Shopping with the girls - I'm at my wits end!

amother

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 11:16 am

Wow, I didn't realize that this is such a common issue!

I keep thinking back to my experience with my own mother and I'm quite triggered by it. I also had a very very narrow idea of what I liked, and I gave her a hard time. Her reaction was to force me to 'just try it on'. I felt the pressure to try on about 7-10 different things that my mother liked and I cannot begin to describe how exhausting it is to wear things that don't flatter you.

Is it possible that those experiences set me up for the chaos happening right now, with me being overly permissive and ultimately very frustrated?

amother

Orchid

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 11:23 am

SingALong wrote:

Would you consider making a private appointment at a store? I started doing that with my teens, it’s a world of a difference! I go at night when the store is closed. I go ONCE and in an hour or under 2, we get Shabbos, weekday and robe. Yes I pay for the appointment. (Some stores do for free if you buy stuff.) It’s well worth it. I hate shopping. And I’m done all at once. Plus, because Mrs fashionista sales lady is the one bringing the options, my girls are 10x more likely to like something. They’re much more receptive to fashion advice from a stranger than me, their mother.
If I were you I’d check your local stores and see who offers that. Then let your girls know your going there, they’re coming out with 2 Shabbos, and 2 weekday. The rest can happen on a busy Sunday, or not…whatever no pressure. Camp shopping can be done after Pesach. Then end.

I’m going to do this once my girls hit the teen years. There is no way I can handle the teen clothing drama. My oldest is 10 and it’s already getting to me.

amother

Tuberose

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 4:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

They're impossible.

So far we've gone to 3 clothing stores to try and find a Shabbos outfit for the Spring/Summer. These stores were slightly above my budget but knowing how difficult it is to find something appropriate I let it go.

So we walk inside these fancy stores, and my daughters are sticking to me like insecure little puppies. I have to beg their sour faces to look through the rack and find something they might be willing to try on. Meanwhile, I go through the rack myself, suggesting a few pretty ones, but to them everythings a big NO.

So I encourage them to find absolutely anything they like, and I mean, there's lots and lots to choose from. At the end we have a really small pile of stuff and we get on line to wait for a dressing room.

It's exhausting to stand there and wait, and while doing so I notice that plenty of big kids are not only happily saying yes to their mothers, but are also willing to quickly slip on/off a skirt under their clothes, or throw on a button shirt on top, and somehow find a way to try things on without needing a dressing room. Unfortunately for me, my kids give me the ugliest look when I suggest that they do the same.

What's worse, once we finally get in, if the curtain or door is mistakenly open by even a halfa inch, while they're not fully dressed, my girls start yelling like mad, even crying. This is when my patience runs thin.

It's like they're doing me a tremendous favor by trying on a single dress in the store, while I search for the stuff, hold the stuff, wait in line and even hold the curtain like a faithful soldier so that they can try on the narrow selection of items we agreed on.

I need them to be a bit open minded, and more ambitious in hunting for things that THEY like.

And yes, I get it, they're insecurities are playing a huge role here, but they're being very very unreasonable, and if we keep going like this we'll be running around every Sunday for the next few weeks spending far too much effort on each excruciating fashion decision.

I would really like to get them something in the next 2 weeks because the stores run out of stuff quickly and it'll only get more difficult and more expensive later on. So that's my urgency.

Honestly, I'd love to casually say something like "Ok. We don't have to get anything now. Whenever your ready... whenever you find something you like". I would've liked for them to experience life's natural consequences of having unrealistic expectations and not "liking anything". Unfortunately I have to get them clothes.

What to do?

You’re way too angry and stressed about this. Order a lot online and then return what they don’t like. It’s normal for teens to feel insecure if exposed in the changing rooms!

Chayalle

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 4:36 pm

amother Lotus wrote:

Am I the only one who feels like the girls sound rude, sulky and ungrateful.My girls would kill to be in a fancy frum store.
We buy online cheap how many we can find, have a big try on party and return what's not good
I suggest next for dresses, h and m for skirts, order in.
and tell them to be grateful they are getting clothes. alternatively they can get a black skirt and a couple sweaters if they make such a fuss!
sorry to sound harsh it's just like really....

Not necessarily. It's very easy to push negative labels onto teens who are being....teens. Moody, insecure, shy, self-conscious...(everyone feel free to plug in whatever adjective described YOU as a teen.)

BTW....stuff in fancy frum stores are not always nicer than the stuff you buy online. You can go thru racks and racks of expensive junk, looking for one nice outfit that fits right, that is cut well, that has better fabric (so help me, I sew, and how something is sewn, and fit, etc...means alot to me. Ask my girls, they'll tell you that Mommy is obsessed with the fit.....)

amother

Pistachio

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 5:37 pm

amother Lotus wrote:

no, I dont think so.
Girls have to feel pretty in what they are wearing, especially today when kids grow up faster than years ago.
Girls develop taste and confidence if you start in lower elementary school by letting them choose and pick.... the later you let go, the harder it is for them to make a decision which requires on the moment decisions since sizes and stock disappear in Feb and March.

amother

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 9:35 am

amother Lotus wrote:

Yea, I would think so too, but gratitude is not one of the things they're experiencing.

Insecurity is.

I am tiptoeing around their insecurities, maybe a bit too much, because I want to protect their delicate stage.

So while you're right that they should be feeling so lucky, they're just not, and forcing gratitude never ends well.

amother

Lilac

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 11:06 am

OP I feel like I wrote this! My girls are 12 and 13, and an additional struggle is that they have completely different tastes!
Some tips that help me:
I feel like when I'm stressed the girls feel it and adds to their stress so I try to be or at least appear chilled.
When we walk into a store I tell them not to worry if we don't find anything.... The reduced pressure makes it easier to concentrate.
I have my girls hold the curtain for each other so I don't have to stand there like a guard... This also enables me to grab an additional size while they're still changing.
I also keep repeating to them not to worry, we will only buy whatever they absolutely love. Again, this reduces the pressure and they're more relaxed.

It looks like the rest of the suggestions are the exact opposite if what I'm suggesting. But this definitely makes the experience easier and less stressful.

Iymnok

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 11:51 am

amother Lilac wrote:

I do similar. Make sure they are well fed beforehand. It makes all the difference.