My DD, 11 is a neb

amother

Pink

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 4:52 pm

amother Dustypink wrote:

I didn’t read the whole thread but I just wanted to mention that a nerd and a neb are two different things. When I was a kid it basically meant the same thing but these days nerd has a positive connotation and neb does not.

She's not the positive connection kind.

BrisketBoss

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 4:59 pm

amother Dustypink wrote:

Nerd is still negative for some of the in-town people and it's not even quite the same meaning as the negative way the rest of the world used it.

amother

Crocus

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 5:07 pm

If she doesn't care and has friends, then you need to accept her or she will feel your disapproval. No one wants their mother to disapprove. I was a neb and didn't care. Still don't. But I do know how to not be one. I try to help my 11 year old dress with it because she cares. I can play the part now but I couldn't growing up. Because I wasn't interested.

rachelli66

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 5:09 pm

There are Social skills teachers now in many areas that work with children on these issues. If she is happy in her own skin then maybe there isn't too much to do. If she needs a bit of help, maybe it pays to look into it.

amother

Springgreen

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 5:14 pm

Op sounds like you and your older daughter are different personalities than younger dd.

If she is happy leave her alone. Celebrate her strengths.

Start by telling older dd many of younger dd's strengths.

Plus...you don't know older dd is right. Often older dd's are not always nice to the younger ones. I have seen it go both ways. Not exclusive to the frum world.
Sometimes subconscious patterns of jealousy (replaced by the new sib baby) are what is playing out here.

Strengthen your connection genuinely with your younger dd. Celebrate her real strengths.

Unconditional love.

hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Aqua

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 5:20 pm

rachelli66 wrote:

Yes, this.

My 10 yo daughter is not an introvert, but she struggles with social skills too.
Bh she has friends but doesnt always respect boundaries and it is worrying.

Bh we have a social skills therapist who is 'treating' her. She is under the assumption that its to discuss her brother with mild special needs.

Sometimes I feel that the child needs outside help. Theres only so much, we, as parents can do.
And often, with someone outside the family, theyl open up more.

This is an area that therapists are trained in..I would recommend this.
Hatzlocho.

BrisketBoss

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 5:23 pm

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

Who remember that song?

I'm a neb, I'm a neb I'm nebby....

I took myself to a broadway show,
I sat myself in the very first row...

That's hilarious! The original is "I'm a nut." I learned it from a kids video called Wee Sing in Sillyville.

nechamashifra

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 5:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

Also, I try to make her look good, and stylish. (She doesnt care for the pony clip all the girls are wearing!!)
She also doesn't care to make sure her hair is styled neatly, and I don't know if I should do her hair for her or give her the confidence to do it on her own even if it won't look so good... And this goes for other things as well.

Is this a Purim joke?

amother

Bone

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 5:33 pm

My DD was a neb, a nerd, awkward. But unhappy in her skin.
We got her therapy. We changed her school.
It took a long time.

By now, she's 16-17, a neb and confident. She found her group of nebbish friends who wear the styles they like, style their hair the way they like, don't care about being perceived as nebby.
And now, she's blossoming.

There's nothing wrong with being a neb, with not caring about being popular or stylish.
As long as she loves herself, is confident in her own skin, and finds her like-minded community to look out for her.

Eishes Chaim

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 5:46 pm

If she’s struggling socially, I would recommend that you get her help. If she’s simply happy in her own skin, I would let her be. And don’t call her a nerd. Those vibes tend to trickle down to the kids…

amother

Broom

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 6:29 pm

I was like this as a child, I did feel excluded a lot and didn’t have friends, I was happy to spend time on my own but I also felt very different to everyone and that was hard.
As I got older I found my place in the more ‘nebby’ circles and have a wonderful small circle of friends, I’m confident in my quirks and I meet people now who are very with it but are jealous of me that I don’t suffer as much from peer pressure, some trends I notice and don’t care about and others I do care about and some things go right over my head.
I’m glad I didn’t fit it with those people in school because tbh they are pretty boring.

amother

Springgreen

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 6:30 pm

Instead of calling her a "neb" call her "authentic" "genuine" "bold brave a trend setter nonconformist unique and original" "intuitive trusts her own judgement confident in who she is"

let her and older dd hear you calling her these names when appropriate and when praising specific things she has done or said

look for the positive and praise it

amother

Skyblue

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 6:49 pm

amother Broom wrote:

Yes BH it is so freeing as an adult not to be obsessed with fitting in and dressing like everyone else and having the things everyone else has. I can have dignity and self-respect and do things my way. I can choose who I want to have a close relationship with and I seek out the people who are independent thinkers and interesting in their own way. I can make a difference in my community because I'm not trying to be like everyone else so I'm free to think about needs and what I can do to fill them.

amother

Snowdrop

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 7:31 pm

As her mom, I think it would be wonderful you tried to impart your own sense of self confidence. Show her love, caring, accept her on her own terms. Not everyone will be popular and socially outgoing. Fortunately, she has a family who cares and supports her.

amother

Heather

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 7:32 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

Cool. I was also happy. Not popular, viewed as weird but didn't care. Sounds like there is literally no problem to be solved here.

Except the problem of OP calling her daughter a neb and being bothered by it.

amother

Skyblue

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 7:55 pm

amother Heather wrote:

Except the problem of OP calling her daughter a neb and being bothered by it.

Yes.

The problem is not with the daughter. The problem is with OP's attitude towards her daughter.