PSA-don’t host guests.

amother

Acacia

Sun, May 07 2023, 3:38 pm

OMG! I was legit thinking what you were thinking OP. Didn’t have the guts to make a thread about it. Kol Hakavod!
When I was single I remember davening that I should find shabbos meals that week.
I would be happy with anything as long as I didn’t have to eat alone.
I can’t believe guests express such entitlement. If your not happy at a host don’t go. You are not doing anyone a favor by being their guest. Believe me, there are a ton of people that need meals that will be happy to take your spot.

amother

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:30 pm

Cheiny wrote:

That’s quite judgmental. Every conceivable desire? Not to leave hungry? Not juvenile at all.

Have something to eat when you get home if you are not easy to feed or have a larger appetite than the host anticipated. As a grown-up you can be a little hungry and figure it out. Have you never had to take a really late lunch at work because something came up or their was a problem with your food? Have you never been to a doctor and left crazy crazy late because either s/he was running late or you needed to wait for addition tests?
Have you ever been at the mall and it took soooo much longer and then there was traffic?

State your needs before you accept an invite.

Yes, I have had a vegetarian come without telling me first. She left hungry and was annoyed. And I asked when I invited-any allergies, dietary restrictions or preferences. She said no. (And when I asked after why she didn’t tell me she said because she is shy about it and didn’t want to put me out)
(Chicken soup, salad with deli meat, Turkey with stuffing, roast cooked with potatoes, parsnip and carrots, pastrami rice, broccoli kugel and dessert).

amother

Acacia

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:08 pm

Challah, Dips, Cholent Should not leave someone hungry.

Personally we have that when we don’t have guests because everyone is too full to eat more.

There are some types of host that when you go you eat before and after.
They are not a restaurant. They are opening their home to you.

Cheiny wrote:

That’s quite judgmental. Every conceivable desire? Not to leave hungry? Not juvenile at all.

amother

Apple

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:12 pm

The Shabbat hospitality committee called me at work one Friday morning to ask if I could host someone Friday night. No problem. Ten minutes later I realized, only because we happened to have met this person once before and the topic came up in conversation, that he is vegan. I called home and issued rapid-fire instructions for preparing some vegan foods for him. Our original menu that week was egg challah, chicken soup, chicken, lokshen kugel made with eggs, salad with chopped deli, and cake made with eggs. It was post-Pesach so we had matzah in the house. The young man would have been able to eat nothing but matzah and orange juice had I not happened to recall, for no good reason, this teeny insignificant fact that he neglected to tell the Shabbat meal committee. He was a few months shy of a Ph.D. but lacked common sense. He had real hashgacha protis that the committee happened to call me and not someone who had never met him.

amother

Forestgreen

Sun, May 07 2023, 6:58 pm

These PSAs are getting ridiculous and make everything inconvenient sound like a major incident that will not only cause PTSD but international trauma.
I have left Shabbos meals hungry. So I ate a snack at home. I always have something to eat at home- even if not "fancy Shabbos food" it will do the trick. I go to meals for the company, not food. And even if it isn't "real food" and I am pregnant or nursing- guess what, I will survive. I presume you can too. Its one meal!! If not, because you have low blood sugar or whatnot- always keep a granola bar in your pocket.

I have nursed in weird places. Back seats of cars, airplanes, corners of airports, on the floor, side rooms at a shul (that had a door so I put a chair to block someone entering)... and if that is enough to traumatize someone-- get help. See someone over it so it doesn't continue to ruin your life.

I could go on. None of this is intentionally done by the host. They didn't purposely send flowers to give you an asthma attack. They purposely didn't take a too small apartment where there is no corner to nurse in once kids are asleep in their rooms... (eg- even the master could have a child sleeping there.)

Rule of thumb- if you have weird dietary or other needs-- tell them! We have hosted people with the most unique allergies. We figured it out, warned all the guests to let person A take first because if something double dipped or got contaminated by challah that person would get sick. (Challah was the one thing we couldn't provide because that guest couldn't eat ANY. They didn't wash due to allergies). But if they came and didn't tell us- what could we do?

amother

Sun, May 07 2023, 7:18 pm

amother Forestgreen wrote:

Am I allowed to ❤️ you? Seriously! You have so much common sense which seems so uncommon lately.

amother

Seafoam

Sun, May 07 2023, 7:41 pm

I do think people could have been a bit kinder in their responses considering that the OP said she is dealing with panic attacks.

However, I also think it is unhelpful to tell the OP that her perspective of the situation was legitimate. She needs to learn that while it is OK to acknowledge her feelings of disappointment, she needs to work on her cognitive distortions of unrealistic expectations of others.

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, May 08 2023, 12:03 am

amother OP wrote:

Am I allowed to ❤️ you? Seriously! You have so much common sense which seems so uncommon lately.

Aww thanks. ❤️ back at you for the guts to write your OP.
Common sense has gone out the window. People don't think about the others perspective. Just their own. Honestly I think all the snowflake coddling, helicopter parenting, trigger warnings (over every thing...), let's treat everyone like toddlers even the college age students-- has done us no good.

(And I meant intergenerational trauma, not what auto correct said was international... but I guess that can work too!)

amother

Hawthorn

Mon, May 08 2023, 12:26 am

As a hostess, I appreciate hearing ways of making guests more comfortable. That's not the same as getting a PSA that I must do things a certain way.

In the case of the nursing mother, I think her perspective was distorted by her anxiety. Not sure how to address that, but we do have to be compassionate and respectful, while still explaining that it's out of line to make demands.

amother

Catmint

Mon, May 08 2023, 2:48 am

amother OP wrote:

My take away today is that you should just not host guests, as you will inevitably be offensive.
I have only been on this site for about a 1/2 hour today, and I have heard PSAs about inadequate nursing accommodations and not having enough variety of food to people’s liking.

My take away, just don’t invite. And if someone is so stupid and selfish that they invite you, be smart and stay home.

What other brilliant reasons to no host have you learned here?

Actually, I genuinely don’t host. I am fed up of all the judgement I see on this site/from other frum women. I am beyond reasonably certain that something about my marginally-dysfunctional family, moderately bad food, non-pristine house will offend someone and worse, lead to LH about my family. I can barely accommodate my own family’s host of bizarre needs let alone non-family members. So I actually agree with this PSA, even if said in jest. I actually wouldn’t personally care if someone whipped out their baby’s milk supply at my Shabbos table, and I would never expect them to nurse in the bathroom, but I really don’t have the patience to host babies. Or anyone else. So I don’t. Yes I am missing out on the mitzvah of hachnasas orchim but so what. 🤷🏻‍♀️ At least I won’t have one of the IMAs on here doing LH about my lousy food/house/kids/Shabbos wear/hospitality.

amother

Lightcyan

Mon, May 08 2023, 5:38 am

amother Honeysuckle wrote:

Why is it ok to poke fun of other peoples posts and open up a new thread for it?

Totally not ok.

Would you do this in real life?

It's not okay to poke fun.
But sometimes, a little fun takes the pain out of a situation.

Many of these PSA threads are coming across as "my way or the highway".
Why should I do things the way you expect?
Why can't people say that there is more than one way of doing things?

I respect your view that there ought to be more food on a Shabbos table. You respect mine that I don't think that way.
I respect your view that you need light and company to nurse. You respect mine that I prefer privacy even if it means nursing in a bathroom.

Why put out a public PSA that this is not the right way to do things? It's quite frankly absurd!

It's also painful.
People who have put themselves out to host someone are feeling criticized. In public no less.

Is it better to post a criticism of a host on a public forum than to poke fun of that criticism?

I originally posted this under my user name. I've changed it to amother because of a specific reaction. That also shouldn't be happening.

amother

Tue, May 09 2023, 11:10 am

While we are at it, I think I will never make a meal for someone either. Apparently sending the wrong thing is traumatic, makes people cry, and makes you look like a horrible person. Better to not send over , ignore them and stay in your own lane.

(Also, make sure you wear a good bra with proper coverage and support when you are alone and in your own home, when you are cooking dinner for your own family.

amother

Tue, May 09 2023, 11:11 am

amother Honeysuckle wrote:

Why is it ok to poke fun of other peoples posts and open up a new thread for it?

Totally not ok.

Would you do this in real life?

Should I respond to them on their own thread? Would that be better?

And if we were in person, I would probably be poking my friend and rolling my eyes.