PSA-don’t host guests.

amother

Apple

Tue, May 09 2023, 2:48 pm

These PSA threads are making me ill. I don't want to believe that people who are on the receiving end of gifts, meals and invitations can be so ugly. Who brought you up to be so demanding, and ungrateful? You don't like the gift or the meal, don't like it. It's not the end of the world. But have the grace to acknowledge and appreciate that someone put some effort into doing something for you. It didn't mesh with your personal taste? A pity, but that's no reflection on anyone else.

All those years of Beis Yaakov and seminary education were worth zip if you aren't ashamed to make such caustic remarks about people who were only trying to be nice to spoiled, self-centered, thoughtless YOU.

amother

Emerald

Tue, May 09 2023, 3:18 pm

I am very chilled as both a host and a guest and I think serving only cholent as a main course with nothing else left on the table is socially off. I have a relative who did this for years: Challah, fish, maybe a couple of dips, and after that was cleared off, a bowl of cholent and that’s it. We don’t really like fish and we’d be starving and be embarrassed to keep taking challah. And we had to be sleepover guests there so we couldn’t just go home and eat something. Finally out of desperation we started bringing along packages of cold cuts, with the excuse that some of us didn’t like cholent. It was only after this relative married off kids that she started serving normally, apparently after the in-law kids made it clear to their respective spouses that more food was necessary.
All of you saying people who think they should be served more than cholent are entitled, is that actually what you do, or are you just the great defenders of hosts far and wide?

amother

Tue, May 09 2023, 3:27 pm

amother Emerald wrote:

Defender of hosts far and wide

Defender of people who go out of their way to send someone a meal.

Defender of people who don’t want to wear bras in their own home.

Defender of people who nurse in public and the bathroom or anywhere they want.

(FYI, my Shabbos meals consist of fish and 2-3 salads (not dips) chummus, chicken, red meat, vegetarian chulent, 2-3 cooked vegetables, 2-3 starch sides, 2 desserts and fruit. Unless people have been lying to me for years,my food is satisfactory and nobody leaves hungry. But I have gone to homes with little food and I say thank you as the host went to effort and expense to have us and we presumably had a lovely time and enjoyed their company. And when I get invited back I offer to bring a deli roll or a salad with chick peas and meat or yapchik or something else super filling. (Most likely saying I am making one for a kimpaturn so I am making this week anyway and it is no bother.) I also B”H always have food at home, be it whole wheat bread and peanut butter or turkey slices in the fridge or a can of tuna)

Additionally, my guest room has an en-suite bathroom, good beds and it’s own new thermostat. I have stayed in less than stellar places and I always appreciate the person who put us up, whether they fed us or we ate elsewhere. It takes effort and work to host and I and highly disgusted by the complaints I read on the site.)

amother

DarkGreen

Tue, May 09 2023, 3:27 pm

amother Emerald wrote:

I’m that OP. If there was fish, even better. The few times I was writing about was quite literally challah, chummus, babaganoush, red pepper dip… then challah and dip removed and a small pot of cholent for the whole table so everyone gets a scoop.

People responding told me I was unreasonable, but they also indicated their assumption that when I said dips, I was referring to a wide variety of salatim and egg salad/liver (even though in my OP I specifically said NOT salads). Under that presumption, I could see why that would be a lot of food. Taken literally how I wrote my post, which is how it was intended, I was literally talking about what I wrote above.

Everyone of these PS is could be read as a “words unspoken”. This website is supposed to be a safe place for people to come and get something off their chest. Who cares if it’s called words unspoken or called a PSA? If somebody had an experience and she has nobody to talk to about it, this is the perfect place to do that.

amother

Apple

Tue, May 09 2023, 4:16 pm

amother DarkGreen wrote:

Everyone of these PS is could be read as a “words unspoken”. This website is supposed to be a safe place for people to come and get something off their chest. Who cares if it’s called words unspoken or called a PSA? If somebody had an experience and she has nobody to talk to about it, this is the perfect place to do that.

Even more perfect: compose the post, then close the window instead of hitting "submit." You get it off your chest and nobody else has to read your vitriol.

amother

Emerald

Tue, May 09 2023, 4:17 pm

amother DarkGreen wrote:

Forget about the first course. Just cholent with nothing else for a table full of people is socially off. If it’s too much to put out some cold cuts or grilled chicken, then you shouldn’t be inviting company to begin with. And yes, you should be allowed to vent here.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, May 09 2023, 4:20 pm

amother Emerald wrote:

I would like to see your relative's face when she realizes that all those years she has served too little food. embarrassed

amother

Emerald

Tue, May 09 2023, 4:27 pm

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

I would like to see your relative's face when she realizes that all those years she has served too little food. embarrassed

It was actually hilarious. The whole extended family was there. Her new son-in-law made a comment quietly about lack of variety and suddenly the table erupted. She wasn’t offended in the slightest. Her takeaway was, you’re all a bunch of overeating gluttons but fine, I’ll start serving more food. And she did! Her Shabbos seudah today looks nothing like it used to. BH.

amother

DarkGreen

Tue, May 09 2023, 4:29 pm

amother Apple wrote:

Even more perfect: compose the post, then close the window instead of hitting "submit." You get it off your chest and nobody else has to read your vitriol.

Vitriol? Where?

Another solution. No one has to read anything here. This is a site composed of people who are all here voluntarily. No one has to read anything here they don’t like. You see an OP that you vehemently disagree with? That’s ok. It is your choice to read it, or to click out and go back to the home page. I do it all the time.

Again, this website is a safe place for people to vent when they don’t have another place to do it. Don’t take that away from them.

amother

Magnolia

Tue, May 09 2023, 4:36 pm

amother Emerald wrote:

I guess I and all my relatives are socially off then.

I do serve cold cuts but all that goes with my first course.

Then comes out a big cholent as its own course to have a in a bowl.

Trademark

Tue, May 09 2023, 4:38 pm

amother DarkGreen wrote:

Next time it should read VENT instead of PSA.

Of course everyone can have things that bother them, but it sounds ungrateful when put as a PSA.

A humorous vent saying, I know I really should be grateful but etc comes across very differently.

amother

Magnolia

Tue, May 09 2023, 4:40 pm

amother DarkGreen wrote:

I would actually be pretty horried if a words unspoken column was about lack of variety as a guest. They would never print about something so petty.

ittsamother

Tue, May 09 2023, 4:41 pm

amother DarkGreen wrote:

I 100% agree. Nobody says that when you read a PSA, it's a new law and regulation for everyone. It's literally just the way to bring info to people's attention. We all like to think that we are socially okay, and know how things should be, and are doing things correctly. Sometimes it's important to have your eyes opened and hear how other people are viewing the world, so you can realize that the thing you are doing is making other people highly uncomfortable.

Now, what you do with that information is up to you! You can either get offended that someone dared to be uncomfortable with the way you did something, or you can think about the fact that you want your guest to be as comfortable as possible, and therefore maybe take these new facts into consideration.

amother

Plum

Tue, May 09 2023, 4:44 pm

amother Emerald wrote:

I think it's actually really rude to make a comment like that at the actual table, quietly done or not. That's way more socially off to me than serving just one more variety. That's the kind of thing the actual child, not in law child, might bring up respectfully and carefully at a different time, NOT in front of the whole extended family. That's not hilarious, that's rude. Also, poor role modeling for his kids.

amother

DarkGreen

Tue, May 09 2023, 4:45 pm

amother Magnolia wrote:

I guess I and all my relatives are socially off then.

I do serve cold cuts but all that goes with my first course.

Then comes out a big cholent as its own course to have a in a bowl.

Then clearly you are not the kind of host I’m referring to.
Someone (not me) said it’s socially off to serve literally ONLY challah, chummus, red pepper dip, and cholent.

You said, well then, I’m socially off… but I serve deli also.

Then that’s not you. And I’m willing to bet you put more out with your challah other than the deli.

ittsamother

Tue, May 09 2023, 4:46 pm

And for the record, I'm not much of a cholent eater. I like the one I grew up with, and mine. That's it. When I go anywhere else I don't really partake. So I eat a lot of challah and sure hope there's at least some other food on the table by the first course and by the main course. Nothing major! But eggs... Salad... Deli! Easy stuff! Is it my host's responsibility to make sure there's a whole array? No. But if there's absolutely nothing else on the table as a main, and practically nothing by the first course, I'm going to walk away hungry, I'm probably never going to want to come back because that's just not an enjoyable experience, and I would be hurt to think that my host is so uncaring of my level of comfort when she is the one who invited me. Yes I'm going for the company, but I was specifically invited to a meal. So I do come with the expectation to actually get fed. If I was just going for the company, I would go in the afternoon for a visit.

amother

Broom

Tue, May 09 2023, 5:04 pm

amother DarkGreen wrote:

Magnolia also said it's a big cholent, not one bowl for everyone.