So much guilt about daycare

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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amother

Mon, May 22 2023, 8:28 pm

Realizing maybe I shouldn’t have started to is conversation bc I don’t think I have much flexibility. I need to make 3-4k a month and a 12:30 pickup wouldn’t work with that. There’s no 2 or 2:30 pickup options near me and honestly with the amount that I’m paying for his high quality private Jewish daycare it would be strange to regularly pick him up before 3:30.

amother

Tanzanite

Mon, May 22 2023, 8:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don't think you should worry about strange.
I think you should do what's right for you.
(I personally have someone in my home, I couldn't find high quality daycare near me, and I couldn't compromise on that.)

amother

DarkKhaki

Mon, May 22 2023, 8:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

I work in a daycare and there is a kid in my group that gets picked up early like 230 because the mom freelances. The Morahs are more than ok with such an arrangement as the kid is so happy when mommy/tatty is the first to show up.

amother

Begonia

Mon, May 22 2023, 8:56 pm

amother Blushpink wrote:

Wow. I’m scared to write how many hours my almost 2 year old is in daycare. What do ppl do with 8-4 pm jobs?? Transportation/ commute home??
That sounds so short to me honestly.

Such a tough situation. I personally would cut my hours as I wouldn’t be able to leave a toddler for so long. The first 3 years of life are so crucial and formative and nothing compares to a mother’s presence. That’s working with the assumption that mom is loving and stable. Good luck!

amother

Begonia

Mon, May 22 2023, 8:59 pm

amother Blushpink wrote:

I know this is off topic, but sleep training also can cause high cortisol levels. So if someone sleep trains and says this about daycare (not saying you do) isn’t that contradictory? We all have to do what works. I personally send long hours but I do not sleep train and most of the time I co sleep. So my baby gets plenty of connection and time w me.

I don’t sleep train or send my toddler out for a long hours due to these studies, ( and motherly instincts). That’s amazing that you co sleep especially with you being gone for so long.

amother

Begonia

Mon, May 22 2023, 9:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

Why is it strange? Do what’s best for your kid. Pick him up early. I use to do that for my kid even though I was paying a lot of money in tuition. We do what’s best for our kids. We don’t need to get our money well spent by keeping our kids away from us more.

amother

Amaryllis

Mon, May 22 2023, 9:18 pm

amother Begonia wrote:

I used to send mine in late. I hope it wasn't too disruptive for the morah. My kid doesn't wake up early, and like most little kids doesn't do morning-rush very well.

amother

Daffodil

Mon, May 22 2023, 9:24 pm

I kept my son home until 3 and spent a lot of time with him. I dont regret it. He wasn't verbal and needed attention. My current youngest is very verbal and loves social settings. She loves playgroup which is 9-2. I could do more hours but I am at home and she loves cuddling afterward. We read books and she watches me take care of the house or cook. She loves shopping with me. But if I was working I wouldn't feel guilty having her there longer because she loves it. Plenty of kids stay longer because both parents work. When they are younger (under 2) and need more attention, I think it's better to do errands with them than leave them at day care. Unless it's a small day care and they do get attention. But you do what works for you. Maybe you get overwhelmed taking the toddler out of the car or she keeps taking items off the shelf. One of my kids did that until 4 years old. It's definitely easier for mom without the kid as long as said kid is happy.

amother

Magenta

Mon, May 22 2023, 10:34 pm

Op. There is only 1 more month in the year. Why post now. Worry next year about next year he will be a year older. Unless the daycare runs in July and Aug. I would start late. I worked in a very professional day care setting every year we have More Than 1 kid that comes very late. Many times we have a child that leaves early. Usually because a father comes home and could watch the kids. We also sometimes have kids on funny schedule. My friend just had her kid skip daycare for a few weeks. She works very fultime but is now on maternity leave she hired a full time nanny to smooth her transition back to work. The kid was staying home with the nanny because she wasn't doing carpool. Now I take her son so it goes according to my hours I arrive at daycare at the begging of nap time they keep him up because he refuses to and first minute he gets there he ends up going to sleep v we ry early which is fine e for the mother.

amother

Slategray

Tue, May 23 2023, 1:14 am

amother Orchid wrote:

1.
Drop the mother’s guilt .
2. In the secular world, 8-3 isn’t considered full time daycare at all
In some cultures (Russian daycares ) are open till 7 or even 8pm and that’s totally the norm in that world .

It’s not a healthy culture to emulate though 🫣

Try the French where even schoolkids come home for lunch.

amother

Molasses

Tue, May 23 2023, 1:41 am

amother OP wrote:

Thanks, all.
After reading these responses and thinking it through I realized I really can’t make any big changes and I should work on not having so much guilt. That being said I think I will see if I can have him do one early day starting in the fall, with pickup at 12:30. I couldn’t do that every day, and I don’t think there’s a big benefit to picking him up at like 2/2:30 because sometimes he’s still napping and they’re
on a set schedule. So I’ll see if I can do one day a week early.

OP- while I am not encouraging the guilty feelings, alot of the responses you got to your original post were of people who replied that YES, it IS a long time to keep such a small child out of the house considering you arent working full time, and you took out of it that you shouldnt have guilt. You might subconsciously have written this post to get validation that you're doing the right thing by keeping him long hours in daycare, which of course is great if that works for you, but sounds like you took out of the comments what you wanted to hear.
Like another commenter wrote- go with your gut. If you enjoy being with your child, and can make it work to be with him more hours during the day, then run with that feeling. You can never get these years back. 2 years old is still really little.
I personally had a really hard time when I was younger and working longer hours and had to send my 0-2 year olds out to a babysitter. It felt wrong/sad to me to send out such a small child for so many hours, but back then I didnt have a choice. I promised myself then that if I ever didnt have to send out so many hours, I wouldnt. Now I do have somewhat of a choice, I work less hours and can work from home also (the one good thing about covid was that my office started allowing us to work from home regularly), so BH I am blessed to only have to send out 2-3 hours a day, since I make my schedule where I work another 2-4 hours at night after the kids go to sleep, depending on the day and the workload.
I know I am lucky and that not everyone can do this, the same way I couldnt years ago. It's not easy to have to work at night, but I never regret the choice of keeping my kids home for most of their waking hours.

amother

Zinnia

Tue, May 23 2023, 4:08 am

amother Butterscotch wrote:

The purpose of daycare is to care for young children while their parents work. I consider myself a ‘good enough’ parent but BH work full time and so my goodness is irrelevant. I’m unavailable (working outside the home) for 40 hours a week. So yes my child’s excellent daycare is a better option than leaving him alone, since staying home with him is not an option.

You are (purposely?) misunderstanding me.

Daycare has a few purposes, but they all boil down to providing an alternative caregiver for a child when the parents can't (for whatever reason) or won't (for whatever reason) take care of the child themselves.

You are a good enough parent, that means that you are better for your child than daycare is. Meaning, your child will be healthier and happier and better adjusted if s/he spends all day with you instead of spending a good chunk of his/her day at daycare.

Now, if you cannot spend all day with your child because you need to work outside the home to put food on the table, then obviously your child can't spend all day at home with you - even if that would make the child healthier, happier, and better adjusted. Obviously, the child needs a roof over his/her head and food in his/her belly much more than the child needs to spend all day at home with you. I mean, DUH.

However, let's say that you could afford to stay home with your child. If you are a good enough parent, then it is preferable for you to stay home with your child. Period. Full stop.

Now, today's cost of living and lifestyle (we don't grow our own food, for instance) means that usually, both parents need to work to make ends meet. Work from home jobs that offer a decent salary are few and far between. And as a WFH parent myself I can tell you that it is very hard and in some places impossible to find a mother's helper to play with your child while you work from home. That doesn't leave you with too many options, so you choose the best of the bad options and there will always be downsides.

But let's at least admit that kids do best at home, not in daycare, so long as their parents are good enough parents and their home is stable and healthy. And if we don't word it this way then we will never be able to push for change that will allow one-income households, because we'll never have looked the issue in the eye.

I also don't see sending kids to daycare because you need to put food on the table as a reason for guilt. None of us asked for this situation, the early feminists included. They wanted women to have the option to work, not for women to be forced to work. This is a completely backwards situation and it is the lot of pretty much all moms who live in Western countries, unless they are fortunate enough to be able to manage otherwise (inheritance, free rent, husband who earns more than enough, etc.). Because it is not our fault or our choice I don't see any reason for guilt. It is what it is. We can lobby for change so that our children will have it better than we have it.

ora_43

Tue, May 23 2023, 4:21 am

Why on earth do so many people think this is an appropriate thread to talk about how awful they think daycare is????

OP said she needs to work. Posts encouraging her to send for a half-day instead of a full day are relevant, since that's (sort of) what she asked.

Posts talking about how daycare is horrible and the staff don't really care and it messes up your child's brain, etc... not the place. Why would you say that to someone who explicitly said she can't afford to quit work?

amother

Mulberry

Tue, May 23 2023, 4:25 am

Why would you say this anyway??

Literally cant understand how people can talk about others like this..if you want to talk to your own grown kids like this, fine.

A mother wants to send her kid out full day even if shes not working at all thats HER decision.

Why do people have to have a reason?

Your kids your life.

amother

Zinnia

Tue, May 23 2023, 4:52 am

amother Mulberry wrote:

I think we both know that it's not mom's place to interfere in how her grown daughter wants to raise her kids, or to tell her not to send to daycare. Unless the grown daughter asks her mom to watch her kids while she works, so she doesn't have to send to daycare...then mom can say yes.

OP asked a question. Like I said I don't see daycare so you can work as a reason for guilt, it's just life in 2023.

Two people responded to OP by inaccurately citing the research's bottom line, so I corrected that...and then someone misinterpreted my post, so I explained myself more clearly. Not sure what your issue here is.

Why don't you ask the poster who brought the research in the first place why she would write a post like that on such a thread. Me, I just don't appreciate research being misquoted, misunderstood, or misinterpreted.

amother

Bluebonnet

Tue, May 23 2023, 4:53 am

amother Mulberry wrote:

It's totally fine to encourage parents to spend more time with their children.

It's ok to point out that Mom is a child's best caregiver.

And yes, everyone should make the right decision for their child (Not just selfishly for themselves) and we will have a happier society.

amother

Zinnia

Tue, May 23 2023, 5:12 am

amother OP wrote:

So there's your answer.

You need to do what you need to do. Really there is no reason for you to question if it would be better if you picked up at such a time, or dropped off at such a time, or sent only for whatever.... It is what it is. For now this is what you need.

When your needs change, you can rethink your daycare options - and remember that if you are a paying client then it doesn't matter if it is "strange" - you pay the daycare for a service (to watch your child) and you pick your child up when you don't need that service anymore that day. It is your money, and your child. And if they don't like it then you will find a better daycare service that suits your needs better. Smile

You said you freelance - try to see yourself vs the daycare as you see your clients vs yourself.

amother

Zinnia

Tue, May 23 2023, 5:13 am

amother Bluebonnet wrote:

It's totally fine to encourage parents to spend more time with their children.

It's ok to point out that Mom* is a child's best caregiver.

And yes, everyone should make the right decision for their child (Not just selfishly for themselves) and we will have a happier society.

* or dad

amother

Tue, May 23 2023, 8:21 am

amother Molasses wrote:

I am in front of my computer most of the day, just not doing billable work all day. If he was only in daycare part time I’d be making even less than now.
And I really don’t want to work in the evenings. It’s the only time I have with my husband, plus I’m pregnant now and more tired I’m the evenings.

amother

Blushpink

Tue, May 23 2023, 8:48 am

amother Mulberry wrote:

Thank you for saying this. This thread is so triggering. My child is at daycare from like 7-5+ I have no choice. I already less work hours than I used to. My commute is the issue.

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