Chizuk - daughter rejected because of her size

amother

Pewter

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 11:31 am

My BIL is almost 40 and never been married. He rejects women from their pictures all the time. I wonder (but don't bother telling him) whether any of the rejected women would even be interested in him. He's 39, just finished undergrad, no particular skills or talents. Losing his own hair and looks. Why would someone want him? He's super specific in what he wants but doesn't give anyone he isn't instantly attracted to a chance. This is why he isn't married. He says personality isn't everything and he needs attraction too. Good luck! Meanwhile, my husband married me at 20 when I was a size 2. Now I'm 39 and a size 10/12. He still thinks I'm gorgeous, no matter how life has changed me.

NotInNJMommy

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 11:52 am

amother Pewter wrote:

I think guys who are that picky are using that as a socially acceptable excuse rather than just saying they don't really want to get married.

amother

Pewter

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 11:56 am

NotInNJMommy wrote:

I think guys who are that picky are using that as a socially acceptable excuse rather than just saying they don't really want to get married.

I believe he really does want a family of his own and a home. I think it's the wife part that is hard for him. He's terminally indecisive, generally. Choosing someone to be with is almost impossible for him so he focuses on the basics and misses the big picture. Men like him rarely end up happy.

amother

Oatmeal

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 11:58 am

I didn't read the entire thread but OP just wanted to let you know that I was a size 12- broad build, and yes, would prob benefit from losing a few lb- and was one of the first in my grade to get married to a very tall, thin, super "with it", cool guy. Like way more "with it" than I am. At my wedding we weighed the same amount despite him being super tall and me being on the shorter side. We've been happily married for almost a decade and he's never once complained or really noticed my weight!

I had a few classmates mention to me at my vort/wedding "wow! Didn't know that you would marry someone so cool/good looking..." 🙄 ppl are dumb. All in hashems hands!

I met some of the previous girls he dated after our wedding. They were all tiny size 0-2s. He never liked any of them or dated them seriously and thinks I am goregous Smile

NotInNJMommy

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 12:06 pm

amother Pewter wrote:

Right... marriage isn't just having a family and a house and being a baal habayis in trappings...

Many guys would like to feel more respected etc and esteemed that way...

It's a partnership....and you can't be married without a wife lol Also, that respect/esteem is a product of doing marriage....ie. spouses, espeically a man, needs to make it happen. It doesn't just appear the day after chuppah.

ETA It's kind of like someone saying they'd really like to be a doctor, lawyer, entrepreneur, landlord, etc. because they do want the money, but they don't actually want to do the work to get there. Then no, they don't really want to be a doctor, lawyer, entrepreneur, landlord, etc....

amother

Wheat

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 1:36 pm

NotInNJMommy wrote:

Honestly, I have a friend like this and she's always struggling with Shidduchim because she's matched with a lot of people and she really wants a family but none of the guys seem appealing to her.

Then she told me she's just not attracted to men in general and not sure what to do about it. She really wants a family but a husband, not so much. And she's too frum to do it without a husband.

I think there are a lot of people like this.

amother

Poinsettia

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 1:39 pm

amother Wheat wrote:

I think so too, and same for guys who may not be attracted to ANY women. Period.

amother

Winterberry

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 1:41 pm

amother Cadetblue wrote:

I will just rephrase what most posters already said. OP this is just a filter to keep your daughter from a shidduch that is not for her. It's their loss. Hashem has something much better prepared for her already! IyH he should show up soon and they should have the clarity to recognize each other!

Yes this! For everyone and everything! One step closer to her bashert

NotInNJMommy

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 1:43 pm

amother Wheat wrote:

yes, there are lots of people who don't want a hetero spouse because they aren't hetero but don't want to have a marriage/family outside of halachah, but they obviously don't just say that when they reject a shidduch.

amother

Oak

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 1:44 pm

NotInNJMommy wrote:

Some might just not know that about themselves. Some of us are married off so young.

amother

Poinsettia

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 1:59 pm

amother Oak wrote:

Some might just not know that about themselves. Some of us are married off so young.

Sorry for derailing the thread, but dor those who do "know" by the time they start Shidduchim, what do Chassidishe Rebbes, Litvish Roshei Yeshiva and Modox Rabbis advise?

amother

Holly

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:00 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

I think so too, and same for guys who may not be attracted to ANY women. Period.

My ex husband is gay.

He's closeted and remarried. I don't even "officially" know.

He just got smicha, is on his shul board, gets lots of kovod....

It does explain a good part of why he was just a horrible husband (and to my understanding, still is)

NotInNJMommy

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:02 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

Sorry for derailing the thread, but dor those who do "know" by the time they start Shidduchim, what do Chassidishe Rebbes, Litvish Roshei Yeshiva and Modox Rabbis advise?

I highly doubt they are "out" such that any of the above know or are consulted.

amother

Anemone

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:06 pm

I feel bad for your daughter but if it bothers the guy why start.
My daughter is very thin and tall and has gotten nos because of it.
I had one son who was particularly about the weight and one son (who was tall and very skinny who didn't care)
So I would say no if the girl.wasnt for him
(His wife is a normal size around 8-10)
But if the girl being ready was very large I said no right away. Why waste their time.

amother

Poinsettia

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:08 pm

NotInNJMommy wrote:

I highly doubt they are "out" such that any of the above know or are consulted.

I am sure some older teens confide in their parents, and then parents come to Rebbe/Rabbi to consult..

amother

Bronze

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:24 pm

amother Holly wrote:

Wait, he remarried another woman? That’s so sad for her.

amother

Oak

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:36 pm

I struggle with attraction to my husband. He had alot of issues around intimacy (religious OCD) that affected me and our relationship in the formative years of our marriage. For years I tried to change things, get him help, but at some point realized none of it really helped. At this point in my life I don't feel like I really want any husband. I try my best in my marriage because I'm already in it, not getting divorced for many reasons, but I sometimes wonder if I really have an issue myself, or I'm just messed up from years of marriage to him.
As a young adult I definitely felt attraction (to men, to DH) but at this point I don't. So I wonder if people know this about themselves when they are younger.
OK totally OT.

amother

Taupe

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:52 pm

I rejected a boy while dating bec he was very fat. And it was my right. I’m not very attracted to fat people. That boy that rejected your daughter had every right to say no. Maybe he’s not attracted to fat girls. I feel bad that your feelings were hurt and I’m sure your daughter is a wonderful girl. But he was within his rights. It’s always healthy to lose some weight , unless you are very thin.
Why doesn’t your daughter lose a few pounds? She will look good and will feel great too! I’m not saying she needs to get down to a 10, but maybe a 14?

Chayalle

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:53 pm

amother Taupe wrote:

Anyone can reject a shidduch they don't feel is for them. But it can be done in a less hurtful way. He did not have to say that that was the reason, BTW.

ETA I can't say I have a great opinion of the Shadchan either, in this case. A Shadchan should know how to deliver a negative response with sensitivity.