Husband hitting | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 10:59 pm

What would you do if your husband hit your 5 year old at least once a week? Very hard in the face. Like that you see a red hand on the face for a few hours?
I reached out to my rav multiple times but he doesn’t seem to take me seriously.
I’ve tried talking to my husband every which way.
Won’t go for any help.
Asked him to join me in parenting guidance. Also a no.

amother

Hunter

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 11:02 pm

Your Rav should take you seriously. Next to your husband actually hitting your kid, this is your biggest problem.

Why is a Rav not taking a father hitting his kid like that seriously?

I'm not of the extreme anti hitting people, but such strong hitting so often is not okay.

amother

Sunflower ↓

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 11:14 pm

This is abuse. Honestly, I'd threaten to leave with the child and follow through if he doesn't stop and seek help. Take a picture of the slap mark or maybe even a picture of DH slapping him, just it case you need it.
Please protect your child.

amother

Hawthorn ↓

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 11:22 pm

Please protect your child from being hit. A 5 year old doesn’t need to be hit so hard that there’s a mark left over. Oy.

Why is he hitting? Out of anger ? Bc that’s not okay. It’s important he sees the effects it can have on his relationship with his kids. It’s not the 1900s anymore where parents would smack and the kids stayed in line. Nowadays you smack and kids calls CPS lol or rebel. Smacking isn’t the only way to get a kid in line and have them show their parents respect. The parenting styles with my older siblings vs younger siblings are VERY different. Older siblings were smacked and we’re fine but the younger ones call it “trauma” and don’t respond well.

Why is ur husband smacking ? Is he trying to send a message ? Teach a lesson? How does he want his child to process his smack? Maybe there’s a different way to get his message across instead of physical? Bc a lot of the time smacking someone is rlly just the smacker letting out anger.

If a rabbi is the only person your husband will listen to. Then find a different one. But maybe see if there’s a way to communicate this better to ur spouse bc parenting is a joined effort. It’s important for both of your to be able to voice your concerns and come up with a solution.

amother

Clover

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 11:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

I am so sorry OP, this is a really tough situation.

Why would your husband be doing this. Does he get angry fast?

I think you should tell him if he can't stop you are going to have to leave and take your child with you because this is very dangerous and abusive and it could lead to c"v bad head injuries. I would also speak with a different Rav in the community who can help back you up on this because this is not normal.

Cheiny ↓

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 12:10 am

amother OP wrote:

Get a different Rov. Seriously.

Talking, alone, to someone who’s abusive won’t help. He needs help, therapy plus anger management. This is not okay. And yes it’s abusive. A 5 yr old is a baby! (Not that hitting like that is okay for any age child).

If I was you I’d give him an ultimatum. Your baby needs your protection!

↑ Cheiny ↓

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 12:12 am

amother Clover wrote:

Obviously he can’t stop.

I wouldn’t TELL him I’m going to leave with the child until he gets help, I’d leave with the child unless and until she gets a clear commitment, that’s put into action immediately, that he gets help.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 12:35 am

Well I e discussed it every which way.
Kindly, gently and nicely.
He has “his own approach”.
Basically, either be perfect or I’ll force you to be perfect. No looked away from it when it was only affecting me. My ow I can’t watch him do it to my kids.
He does it because he gets angry and doesn’t know how to deal with anything that’s not perfect. Ironically he often hits if he feels my older one is not being nice to a younger sibling.
I’ve definitely considered giving him an ultimatum or leaving- just so that I’m heard- but honestly- where would I go???
If I could lock him out I’d do that.
But I have a few little kids.
My oldest is still preschool age.
How and where would I go?

↑ Cheiny ↓

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 12:42 am

amother OP wrote:

That’s something you’re going to have to figure out, but it has to be done.
Do not allow him to do it even once more.

↑ smss ↓

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 12:44 am

amother OP wrote:

Maybe you should lock him out, and change the locks.
Are there any relatives you could go to?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 12:46 am

smss wrote:

Maybe you should lock him out, and change the locks.
Are there any relatives you could go to?

I think it would cause a major fight. Based on past experiences I believe it would turn nasty and horrific very quickly.
Also he would figure out a way to “kidnap” the kids and blame it on me.

amother

↑ Hawthorn ↓

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 12:48 am

We’ll he’s not Perfect and can’t demand a 5 year old to be perfect.

He needs to get help and you need to make sure you and your kids are safe. Maybe there’s a Rebbetzin or a diff rabbi to speak to who can offer you guidance and help with how to navigate the next steps. You mentioned you had to deal with it before the kids did..if he demands perfection from you and hits you too- then it’s a no brainer- it’s time to leave. Physical abuse is a big Nono.

↑ smss ↓

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 12:50 am

amother OP wrote:

I think it would cause a major fight. Based on past experiences I believe it would turn nasty and horrific very quickly.
Also he would figure out a way to “kidnap” the kids and blame it on me.

This sounds like such a difficult place to be in.
Is there a rav you can turn to who you do trust for guidance how to proceed?

If you don't think it would be a giveaway (like, if it's Lakewood or Brooklyn) maybe you can post your location and people might be able to recommend a rav?

B'Syata D'Shmya

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 12:59 am

amother OP wrote:

I think it would cause a major fight. Based on past experiences I believe it would turn nasty and horrific very quickly.
Also he would figure out a way to “kidnap” the kids and blame it on me.

You are afraid of him. Is he abusive to you too? You know this is not a healthy situation and you need help.
Can your parents be supportive or his parents if they knew what he was doing? Or a sibling, or Aunt/Uncle/Cousin?

I would ask him to start therapy with you with the goal of developing a parenting plan that doesnt include hitting. He could end up in jail for this.

amother

Gold

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 1:07 am

This is so sad. I'm a morah and I would report if a child came to school with a slap mark on his face.
I've taught hundreds of children, and I've never had a child who's parents hit hard enough to leave a mark. It is extremely rare to find a parent who regularly, even lightly hits their kids these days. But on the face?! Hard?! Completely unacceptable. Kudos to you for trying to help your child. Please do everything in your power to stop this abuse.