Husband hitting | Imamother

Cheiny

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 5:35 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

it shouldn't be a chiddush, but you'd be surprised. As I posted, I have a relative (thru 2nd marriage) whose first husband abused her children. She thinks she did the right thing by being a good wife to him because a wife has to be on the same page as her husband. Now her kids have cut her off.

I've met too many people who think they are doing the right thing in this regard. Also, I don't know if I made this clear, but my therapist told me that davka with abuse, you make it clear it's not okay IN FRONT OF THE KIDS (not, let him hit them or hurt them and then later on address it) so they know you're on their side trying to protect them, and validate that it's not okay.

Unfortunately, when it comes to abuse, it is very common that the wife becomes manipulated by and brainwashed by the abuser, into thinking she should feel sorry for him, and that what he is doing is really ‘not so bad.’ Narcissists and abusers with other personality disorders are great at making the wife feel responsible for their anger and they find ways to also blame everything that happens to them for why they’re abusive.

Cheiny

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 5:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thank you for that advice.
Question- will it make them feel unsafe that I don't trust their father?

OP, PLEASE stop concerning yourself with how protecting your kids will affect their father. He did this to himself.

It makes them feel unsafe when you DO trust their father who hurts them! Otherwise they are going to grow up thinking that a spouse should trust and continue to tolerate the other’s abusive actions against their children!

Every time you start feeling sorry for him, or wondering if you should be taking action, or if maybe what he did “isn’t so bad,” please take out that picture of your child’s face with the marks on it.

devo1982

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 8:04 pm

OP, your children *already* feel unsafe around their father and they see you doing nothing. Where is *your* family in all this? Are they some of the ones gaslighting you with those ridiculous replies? You've referenced his family, but I don't think you can or should count on any support from them, so do you have anyone on your side who can help?

Some wise ima suggested making a list, so I went to Goblin Tools to generate a step by step list for you on how to leave an abusive relationship. I hope this is useful for you.

amother

Teal

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 8:42 pm

OP I am so sorry that you are going through this experience but please know that you’re a yiddishe mamma and you have an unbreakable strength within you.
I’m married to a husband who grew up with an extremely abusive father and a mekelah of a mother who truly believes she’s an Aishes Chayil.
He is from a prominent family in their chasidus and he truly believes he is the greatest asset to humanity known to mankind.
My husband has a very distant relationship with Hashem because he doesn’t have a normal father to model the experience after. I love Hashem and wish He could be a stronger presence in our homes but it’s hard to do that when your husband can’t bring himself to daven or learn. Shul is only about seeing friends and socializing. He wants to have a relationship but feels that he’s not worthy (his words not mine).
CPS made their visits but my Shver very nicely manipulated them into closing every case that was opened.
What’s going to happen in 20 years when your son is going to bring home a Kallah? I was married for a few weeks when my Shver took out his belt to start beating a child who spilled water on him. My Shvigger is his slave and when he starts screaming and ranting she just smiles and asks how she can help him. My husband and his siblings don’t respect either one. The father who beat them and the mother who halfheartedly tried to stop it in the throes of the abuse by sitting on the couch and saying “he’s a nice boy”.
I’m not telling you to drop everything and run this instant but please search out proper guidance that can help ASAP. A Ruv with his head properly attached is a great place to start. If that’s something you’re interested in I’m sure ladies here can help. I don’t know if nowadays Ohel or Shalom task force can provide great help…. I’ve heard some horror stories recently. I’m davening for you, and all of Hashem’s children in painful suffocating situations like these. I’m going to say some tehilim now.

asmileaday

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 9:03 pm

amother Teal wrote:

Ouch my heart breaks for the childhood your husband had to endure. That's horrific.
What was your reaction as a newlywed when your FIL did that? I would freak out.
It's so scary that there are families living like this.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 9:08 pm

amother Teal wrote:

please understand that his going to shul is his relationship with hashem.
I see this all the time; men coming in late to shmooze and socialize. they are hashems children who are doing something that is hard for them just for hashem.

amother

Teal

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 9:14 pm

asmileaday wrote:

My husband had actually gone to get something and I didn’t have him in the room when it started. I started crying because I was scared and we ran home in the middle of the seuda. Flash forward a few years and it’s happened more than once and I have little kids to shield from this. Happened recently during a seuda and I ran outside to the yard with some kids and DH positioned himself as a human shield to protect one kid who was playing obliviously with a doll and he didn’t want to startle them by grabbing and running out the way I did. Please daven for my husband to find the healing he needs. This abuse has its effects on so many other people besides for the common victims. I didn’t know it was this bad when I got married. BH TYH he is the world’s best father. I thank Hashem every single day that my children lucked out. He would move mountains for them and is kind and caring beyond words.

amother

Teal

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 9:15 pm

amother Babyblue wrote:

I send him out to shul to socialize!! I know it’s great for him to see his friends and I’m reminded of Devorah haneviya who sent her husband to put the wicks in shuls so he’d have a reason to step in there.

amother

Brickred

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 9:16 pm

Didn’t read through all the comments but as a child who was beaten till blood many times over by my father and my mother not protecting me and my siblings has created such deep trauma that at the age of 40 (with many years of therapy) I am still suffering from his abuse every day.
To the Morah who commented that she never had any students come with marks on their faces let me tell you a little secret, people like my father and OP’s husbands are very well calculated, back in the days when we would get hit my father made sure we don’t go back to school till all the evidence and bruises were gone. You never know what goes on behind closed doors, on the outside we looked ok, I never had a single teacher ask me if I’m being abused because they couldn’t tell.
OP I beg you please seek help, don’t let your precious child suffer, there is no excuse for any parent to lay a hand on a child let alone beat them the way your DH does.

Cheiny

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 9:28 pm

amother Teal wrote:

I would never expose my children to such a horrifically dysfunctional and abusive and dangerous environment!

asmileaday

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 9:30 pm

amother Teal wrote:

Sending hugs Hug

. I'm glad your husband was able to break the cycle. Wishing you both lots of healing. You are probably traumatized too (honestly I would stop going to them, they don't deserve your company).

Op I hope these stories strengthen your resolve not to tolerate this any longer. Sending you lots of hugs and strength too.

CPenzias

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 9:33 pm

asmileaday wrote:

Sending hugs Hug

I was going to say the same thing. I wouldn't go. Even if it only happens 1 in 10 times, it's not worth exposing your kids to it.

amother

Cyclamen

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 9:39 pm

amother Teal wrote:

I'm sorry but your kids are being exposed to the abuse even if you think otherwise. Why on earth do you take your kids there? Tell your FIL straight our that you won't be coming anymore unless he stops his sickening behavior. What do you stand to lose? Is he supporting you? Maybe you'll be able to help your husbands siblings and save them.

CPenzias

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 9:45 pm

amother Cyclamen wrote:

Even if he's supporting. I wouldn't want that money. That's blood money. She's going to have to spend it and then some later on for trauma therapy for her own kids. Don't take your kids there. Your fil doesn't deserve to see them. I'm sorry for being so harsh. He hits his kids with a belt? Eww I can't get past that.
I'm a public school teacher and years ago I was teaching a middle school class and had a student who was really disrespectful. I called home and mom didn't know how to deal so she sent dad to school. He came with a belt and hit her in front of me and the guidance counselor. I never called him again. I didn't care how nasty she was. No one deserves that!

amother

Teal

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 9:55 pm

amother Cyclamen wrote:

Sorry but this reeks of judgement. This is going on for 40 years he will never change. You should all consider yourselves blessed to not have to deal with circumstances as such. And my husband is a workaholic with a nice 6 figure income BH but thanks for assuming we are living on handouts so that’s the reason I give my rachmanus of a Shvigger naches from my kids.

Cheiny

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 10:02 pm

amother Teal wrote:

Please rethink this. Your mil can come to your home, on her own, to have nachas from her grandchildren.

You should not be bringing your kids to their house to see the sick dysfunction there! Do you want to damage them? Your mil’s nachas does not and should not have to happen in her own home while her disgustingly abusive husband is there, and it should certainly not come before protecting your children!

amother

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 10:10 pm

amother Teal wrote:

Wow, these stories are all so terrible.. Why do you visit? Any why do you allow children to get hurt in front of your eyes? (even if they aren't yours? ) Just curious, no judgement

amother

Topaz

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 10:12 pm

amother Teal wrote:

Your husband’s siblings are still being abused?