Husband hitting | Imamother

smss

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 1:23 am

amother Mint wrote:

Please call shalom task force. They should be able to help you figure out a plan. I’m sorry OP. Hugs!

In the past I would have also suggested this, but there was a recent thread where many posters were saying they could not help them find a place to go or really provide much practical help, which is what OP needs Sad

I'm hoping a community rav might be able to help with finding a safe place to go.

amother

Nemesia

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 2:53 am

OP- I know how you feel and I'm so sorry for you. my dh also thinks hitting is ok. its all a result of his messed up childhood which led to perfectionism stemming from low self confidence and attempt to control. throw some adhd in the mix and voila! talk therapy can help with this a little but I'm convinced that trauma therapy is the way to go. does your dh have a friend/rav he trusts to the extent that he would listen to them if they told him to address the issue in therapy?
your kids will definitely be traumatized from this and will begin hating your husband or worse hate themselves.
I will daven for you.

amother

Nemesia

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 3:43 am

I wrote the previous post about my dh doing this as well.
full disclosure - I also had a dysfunctional childhood in many ways and was hit and even threatened with a belt (I don't think I actually ever got hit with the belt). and when I first had kids I had a really hard time and I used to hit also so I sort of get it. I always knew how wrong it was and that it needed to stop. Over the years b'h I have worked on myself in so many ways to get past my emotionally stunted childhood. I constantly read self help and chinuch books, listen to shiurim, take classes etc.. I feel I can say I have grown tremendously and while I am not perfect, I have become more accepting, mellow, patient, loving etc..
now can someone please tell me what is with the men?? why can't/won't they do this? I just don't get it. why would someone just accept that they are this way and never take real steps to change? they are hurting the people around them with real consequences for the future.

amother

Oldlace

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 4:55 am

amother Gold wrote:

This is so sad. I'm a morah and I would report if a child came to school with a slap mark on his face.
I've taught hundreds of children, and I've never had a child who's parents hit hard enough to leave a mark. It is extremely rare to find a parent who regularly, even lightly hits their kids these days. But on the face?! Hard?! Completely unacceptable. Kudos to you for trying to help your child. Please do everything in your power to stop this abuse.

Your post made me cry, because my siblings and I constantly came to school with terrible marks that were obviously from being strapped and not a single teacher dared to start up with my father and report (3 relatives and a neighbor did over the years and that was it)

amother

Maize

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 5:00 am

amother Oldlace wrote:

And your post made me cry. I am so, so sorry you went through this.

OP, please do whatever it takes to make this abuse stop.

amother

Stonewash

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 7:38 am

OP, this is really concerning. Please consider contacting OHEL and going through the intake process for therapy and other supports. OHEL has a shelter for frum women if you are willing to consider it. I know a number of people who have used its services. However, there is a waiting list. The time to get on it is now and not when things go further downhill. Keep copies of important papers with a trusted friend or relative and maybe a bag of the kids clothes in case you need to leave.

amother

Sunflower

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 9:06 am

amother OP wrote:

I think it would cause a major fight. Based on past experiences I believe it would turn nasty and horrific very quickly.
Also he would figure out a way to “kidnap” the kids and blame it on me.

So you're really dealing with an abuser. Please protect your kids! Take pictures of the slap marks and leave. To your mother, sister, brother, friend, grandmother, whoever you can go to.
It's not easy, but you need to protect your kids.
Hugs and love.
(You can call the police but that's traumatic for the kids.)

amother

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 10:42 am

amother Nemesia wrote:

This could have been me writing this. I am Op. He has a rav, which is the one I spoke to, but my husband presents himself very differently in public, and I think my rav just doesn't take what I seriously. The issues have been for a few years, but this is my oldest so it's only now really reflecting on my children.
My son hates him- he is very scared when he is with him. Then if he expresses it he gets to see the consequences again.

I have also reached out to shalom task force, but just like the other poster wrote, there was a thread about it, and yes I too got no response after multiple attempts.

I feel lost and very very scared.

I saw my 5 year old hitting himself yesterday. Literally, I know that children who are physically hurt can engage in self harm at a later date. But this is terrible.
I am so lost. I am losing trust in a community that is supposed to be supportive. They just push everything under cover.

I live in Brooklyn

amother

Sunflower

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 10:44 am

amother OP wrote:

This is absolutely terrible. Do you have family you can go to?

mandll

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 10:46 am

Cheiny wrote:

That’s something you’re going to have to figure out, but it has to be done.
Do not allow him to do it even once more.

Do. Not. Agree.

Yes, this needs to stop now!

No, I don't think that the solution is divorce..

Find. A. Different. Rav.

Stick up for ur child when getting hit, comfort them & then speak up.

Much love ❤️

amother

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 10:51 am

mandll wrote:

Thank you for this. I really want to work out the marriage if only he would be willing or open.
Do you have a rav to recommend that would be available without waiting a week for a call back?

amother

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 10:52 am

abound wrote:

Are you connected to any chassidus?
Do you have any neighbors you can confide in?
A freind? sibling? cousin?

how would it help to confide in someone?
Is there anything they would be able to do?
I feel like I would need his family's support possibly, but they would get defensive and angry at me.
I've reached out to them in the past and they supported their son.

amother

Sunflower

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 11:01 am

mandll wrote:

She does not have to divorce. But MUST protect her children and cannot let this happen not even once more. It is her responsibility.

smss

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 11:11 am

mandll wrote:

No one wants to get divorced, but this is one of the exact situations that calls for it.

mandll

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 11:53 am

smss wrote:

No one wants to get divorced, but this is one of the exact situations that calls for it.

Y is divorce the first option? She can find a different rav that specializes in these situations & reach out for guidance

we grew up with my mom pinching us, yelling & slapping when she was frustrated. Bh it lessened over the years but it was 💯 traumatic & being that I'm the oldest child I definitely bore the brunt of it.

I definitely learnt a thing or 2 abt how I want to raise my kids but know now that if my dad would've wanted to DIVORCE?! for this then that would've messed us up so much more than the physical abuse.

I always knew that I can speak to my dad...

Lately after being married for a number of yrs my dad started taking matters into his own hands- listening to chinuch speeches & reading different articles. The atmosphere in the house has changed. Once he started taking control of the situation & laying down rules for himself it began having an effect on my mom. She's definitely still the same person & doesn't think that she can change but there is a stability that there wasn't there ever.

Just my experience... ❤️

Rooting for u OP