Husband hitting | Imamother

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Husband hitting

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View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Hosta

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 12:01 pm

Please protect your children and yourself. Today.

Chayalle

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 12:05 pm

OP can you get a therapist for yourself? A competent therapist might be able to help empower you and guide you more effectively to help your husband change.

Cheiny

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 12:39 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

I wrote the previous post about my dh doing this as well.
full disclosure - I also had a dysfunctional childhood in many ways and was hit and even threatened with a belt (I don't think I actually ever got hit with the belt). and when I first had kids I had a really hard time and I used to hit also so I sort of get it. I always knew how wrong it was and that it needed to stop. Over the years b'h I have worked on myself in so many ways to get past my emotionally stunted childhood. I constantly read self help and chinuch books, listen to shiurim, take classes etc.. I feel I can say I have grown tremendously and while I am not perfect, I have become more accepting, mellow, patient, loving etc..
now can someone please tell me what is with the men?? why can't/won't they do this? I just don't get it. why would someone just accept that they are this way and never take real steps to change? they are hurting the people around them with real consequences for the future.

Because they have rage and abuse issues, it’s not about rationale. When they lose it they’re out of control and just lash out.
This requires extensive help. It’s not a matter of just “telling him to stop” or talking to him.

That’s like telling an alcoholic, “Just don’t drink, what’s the problem?”

Cheiny

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 12:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

how would it help to confide in someone?
Is there anything they would be able to do?
I feel like I would need his family's support possibly, but they would get defensive and angry at me.
I've reached out to them in the past and they supported their son.

It sounds like you’re too afraid or too reluctant to want to take any action.

No, you don’t tell HIS family, obviously in most cases they’ll side with their son,

You’ve been given numerous suggestions here. Please get past your fear of your husband and do the right thing by your kids! They must be your priority and you’re the only parent who is tasked now with helping them!

Cheiny

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 12:43 pm

mandll wrote:

Do. Not. Agree.

Yes, this needs to stop now!

No, I don't think that the solution is divorce..

Find. A. Different. Rav.

Stick up for ur child when getting hit, comfort them & then speak up.

Much love ❤️

Wrong,.“Speaking up,” and “sticking up for the child” will do nothing when dealing with an abuser!
One bad experience and it can be too late! I’m not exaggerating. There have been instances where it went too far. Best case scenario, ACS gets involved, worst case scenario, c’v the child is severely hurt.

Cheiny

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 12:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thank you for this. I really want to work out the marriage if only he would be willing or open.
Do you have a rav to recommend that would be available without waiting a week for a call back?

This is concerning.
What if he’s NOT willing or open? You continue to keep your kids at risk,and allow them to be hurt?

amother

Ruby

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 1:13 pm

OP I really feel for you. It’s a horrible and scary situation to be in but you have to remember that your number one priority is your children. Your job is to protect them - there are no two ways about that.
While you’re waiting to hear from a Rav you can call the Rachel Coalition. They are based in NJ, not sure where you are, but they can at the minimum give you some guidance about what steps to take to get your children into a safer environment.

amother

Seagreen

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 2:04 pm

Would you allow yourself to be hit in the face?

amother

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 2:27 pm

amother Seagreen wrote:

Would you allow yourself to be hit in the face?

Probably yes, but I cant let my kids be hit.

amother

Sunflower

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 2:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

Probably yes, but I cant let my kids be hit.

Oh my

asmileaday

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 2:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

Probably yes, but I cant let my kids be hit.

This is horrible. You do know that it is NOT normal for a spouse to hit another? That it is not normal to allow it or even quietly swallow it?
You are so in denial you need a major wake up call.
I hope you get support and help in real life asap.

asmileaday

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 2:32 pm

Are your parents functional? Can you confide in them and get their protection? This is the one kind of situation where you should tell your parents what's going on.

Unless the reason you are not jumping to action is because you had a dysfunctional upbringing and don't realize how not ok this is.

If that's the case you need to find someone in real life that's responsible and functional that you can confide in and start taking action. Perhaps a therapist?

amother

Apple

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 2:34 pm

My mother was abused physically.
& then we were.

She never left him b/c she was too scared.
I am living with the repercussions. & I’m a grandmother.

My father had rage that was uncontrollable.

Op.leave your husband. Of course if he hit you he would hit your kids. It’s a no brainer.
You are responsible for the children you brought into the world. Nobody else. Not your rav, therapist or any one else.

Leave now

amother

Violet

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 2:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

Well I e discussed it every which way.
Kindly, gently and nicely.
He has “his own approach”.
Basically, either be perfect or I’ll force you to be perfect. No looked away from it when it was only affecting me. My ow I can’t watch him do it to my kids.
He does it because he gets angry and doesn’t know how to deal with anything that’s not perfect. Ironically he often hits if he feels my older one is not being nice to a younger sibling.
I’ve definitely considered giving him an ultimatum or leaving- just so that I’m heard- but honestly- where would I go???
If I could lock him out I’d do that.
But I have a few little kids.
My oldest is still preschool age.
How and where would I go?

You don't need to go that far. Just threaten to call the police if it happens again. I had the same problem. I told him next time he does it I'm calling police. I was shaking. He blew up. Exploded. How dare I talk to him that way. He was angry and it became a huge fight for one day. I didn't think it would help. But it left a mark on him. He realized hitting is serious business. He stopped hitting from that day.

amother

Violet

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 2:52 pm

Cheiny wrote:

When rage is in the picture, fear is the only thing that can be stronger than rage in my opinion. If you threaten something that he will be afraid of, it may have an affect on him.

amother

Hawthorn

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 3:00 pm

Is Miryams House in Brooklyn a place to contact? I heard it’s a place where women go if abused etc just not sure if it’s for families. Theyre worth a call so they can help direct you if they can’t help.

smss

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 3:14 pm

mandll wrote:

Y is divorce the first option? She can find a different rav that specializes in these situations & reach out for guidance

we grew up with my mom pinching us, yelling & slapping when she was frustrated. Bh it lessened over the years but it was 💯 traumatic & being that I'm the oldest child I definitely bore the brunt of it.

I definitely learnt a thing or 2 abt how I want to raise my kids but know now that if my dad would've wanted to DIVORCE?! for this then that would've messed us up so much more than the physical abuse.

I always knew that I can speak to my dad...

Lately after being married for a number of yrs my dad started taking matters into his own hands- listening to chinuch speeches & reading different articles. The atmosphere in the house has changed. Once he started taking control of the situation & laying down rules for himself it began having an effect on my mom. She's definitely still the same person & doesn't think that she can change but there is a stability that there wasn't there ever.

Just my experience... ❤️

Rooting for u OP

Firstly, I am so sorry for what you experienced as a child.

When children go through abuse, their brains are desperate to find a sense of safety, and sometimes that's done through rationalizing/downplaying what was done to them.

Your first post, where you said "when he gets hit", set off alarm bells in my head. It is never ok for a child to be hit. Not even once. No one should be reconciling themselves to "well the next time he gets hit, I'll try xyz."

Divorce is traumatic for kids, yes, but ongoing physical abuse for decades is far more traumatic and leaves very lasting damage.

One last point. Some children grow up and feel like you do- grateful to the non-abusive parent. Others feel tremendous anger towards the non-abusive parent that they may not have abused them directly, but they were complicit in the abuse by allowing the children to remain in the situation.

amother

Blush

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 3:19 pm

I’d take the slap myself. Or get in between. Or stop it before it comes if you know it’s coming. Are there any signs that he’s getting ready to slap him across the face? I’d probably start hitting DH if he was doing this weekly and wasn’t listening.

amother

Hosta

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 3:25 pm

Please do not take the slap yourself. That's another level of trauma.

amother

Blush

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 3:26 pm

amother Hosta wrote:

Please do not take the slap yourself. That's another level of trauma.

Well if it’s either or… that’s all I was saying.

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