Husband hitting | Imamother

amother

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 3:43 pm

Thanks everyone for your replies.
It's alot to process.
I wish he would be open to hearing from others, I would so be willing to work on things. Everything. The marriage, parenting etc.
I'll have to figure out what I will do next.
On another note, listen to the least helpful comments I've got when trying to consult with wise people:

"With shalom you will get everything"
"you have to respect him"
"It's ok for children to be hit"
"Anyway emotional abuse is worse than physical"
"Well, why did you have more children?" (which also shifts the blame to me)
"That's men"
"You don't have a monopoly over difficult husbands"
"You should see the really bad husbands out there, and then you'd be greatful"
"Just count your blessings"
"I've seen worse"
"kids are flexible"
"are you perfect?"
"look away".

amother

Hosta

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 3:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

That's terrible. Shame on us.

smss

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 3:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

Oy, oy, oy. Can't Believe It

There is sooooooo much better support out there and you deserve it and I hope so much for you that you get it ❤️

amother

Nemesia

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 3:59 pm

Cheiny wrote:

Because they have rage and abuse issues, it’s not about rationale. When they lose it they’re out of control and just lash out.
This requires extensive help. It’s not a matter of just “telling him to stop” or talking to him.

That’s like telling an alcoholic, “Just don’t drink, what’s the problem?”

exactly - and what does an alcoholic need to do - AA/therapy for addiction. - and/or trauma therapy to address the root causes.
when they are calm and rational they should be able to acknowledge how wrong they are and seek help for the future. in my case my dh does acknowledge that he is wrong and 'stuck' but doesn't seek outside help to get unstuck. I find that women are often more open to getting help and changing and men aren't. they are willing to accept this 'shortcoming' as ok when it isn't. they don't even try to seek help. my dh went to therapy for a few short months which helped only a little. and gave up as soon as he had a chance to take a break. and I was viewed as the wife that 'forced' (convinced actually) him to go. if only he would go of his own volition instead of continuing to mess up his kids one by one.

amother

IndianRed

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 4:00 pm

Just a question here. Following this post closely & sending love to OP

Going back to not too long ago, this was the way that a lot of parents raised they're children.

It's traumatic & sad but this is the fact.

So would it have been less traumatizing for the children had they're parents gotten divorced?

Last edited by amother on Mon, Aug 21 2023, 4:01 pm; edited 1 time in total

scintilla

Mon, Aug 21 2023, 4:00 pm

OP I'm so so sorry for you. I hear so many people saying get out, protect your children, do what you have to do and I know it's not that simple if you don't want to end up on the streets. I know it's also a lot at once. I do think you need to be prepared that it may come down to choosing between trying to work on your marriage and keeping your family together, and keeping your children safe. That's really really hard and takes a lot of strength.

I don't have any practical advice for you, I haven't been in your shoes but I've been in similar ones to your child's (there was no actual hitting so there was never anything for anyone to see) and there was nothing my mother could do for various complicated reasons. We all did unfortunately suffer the consequences. I wish you a lot of strength and hatzlacha.

amother

Valerian

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 1:51 am

I was hit as a kid one time where I bled loads and thought I would have to go to the hospital but it stopped

In any event the emotional abuse I endured was much worse than the physical. I am not saying not to deal with it, but just putting that out there

OP reach out to Shalom task force, I have never used them but have seen them advertised they should be able to guide you. It also sounds like you need some personal therapy to strengthen yourself before you can change this dynamic so reach out to them for further guidance about what to do in this situation

Shalomtaskforce.org

Hatzlocho

amother

Cyclamen

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 2:35 am

OP, I'm going to be a little open what it's like growing up in a home with physical abuse.
First and foremost is the FEAR. We were always scared. By the time I was a teenager I'd hide out in my room whenever my father was home (B"H there was a lock on the door). He's knock but I would just say I was getting dressed and would never open.
Second was a combination of hate and disrespect. It came to a point where we would do things intentionally even if it meant getting slapped, smacked or beaten. My brothers especially because they had less fear. For example if we were told to do something we didn't want to do we still didn't do it even though we knew we'd get hit. It's the most INEFFECTIVE parenting method.
My mother finally got divorced a couple of years after my first sibling's wedding. I was in high school then. The older kids were able to help my mother do it. While it was embarrassing for us we were all very very glad it was finally over. It was many many years of suffering for our family. Maybe if there were more resources available 40+ years ago my mother could've left after a year instead after 20.
OP, please please don't put your kids through this. Don't listen to all the horrible advice people give you like "kids are flexible". Kids are like clay and every smack leaves a mark. Physical and emotional. As they get older the hitting will only get worse and worse as he will need to hit more often and harder to "control" them. If you can't get support from your community call the organizations that can help. Call TODAY.

Tof Umachol

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 5:11 am

Smacking a child in the face hard enough to leave a mark several times a week is both physical and emotional abuse. Completely irrelevant to talk about which is "worse."

Your situation sounds really tough, OP.
I hope you get the guidance and support you need in real life.

amother

Ultramarine

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 7:26 am

amother Chestnut wrote:

Hitting that leaves a mark is one of the things a mandated reporter is required to report. If your kids are in school, showing up with a mark on their face, a teacher or principal will be calling CPS. Is your husband aware of this?

This. Your dh doesn't seem to care what you say but let him know the facts. A teacher who sees the marks may call cps on him. And if will make your and his life horrible. Especially when they ask the kids if their father hits them and they say yes. And they examine your kids bodies for bruises. Op if he is slapping your kids you are their only advocate. It's hard when you have no community support. But you need to help them.

amother

Seashell

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 8:08 am

My father in law used to hit his kids.

DH now refuses to have anything more than just a cordial relationship with him. He also does not have a relationship with his mother, because she didn’t “protect” him from his father.

We do not ever spend Shabbos or Yom Tov with his parents, and he doesn’t let our kids visit by themselves either. The in-laws don’t understand why, but DH has not been able to tell them the damage they did.

amother

Cyclamen

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 8:39 am

amother Seashell wrote:

That's more than I did, only a couple of my siblings chose to have a "cordial" relationship - most of us had nothing to do with my father after he left (I.e was forced to leave). We actually didn't blame my mother because she was also scared of him too thought most of us didn't have a great relationship with her because she lacked the skills to connect emotionally.
OP read our stories and know that if you don't get real help your kids lives will be affected forever.

amother

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 10:59 am

amother IndianRed wrote:

I agree that divorce is traumatic. Actually, it's my biggest fear and it is against every bone in my body. It would shadder my world and crush my soul.
That is why I have looked past it for so many years.
My post did not mention anything about divorce.
My question was how to deal with my kids who are being raised with such a father.

amother

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 11:00 am

amother Cyclamen wrote:

I appreciate your stories. And that is why I am panicking. I don't know where to turn. I am trying to get help now from a therapist. Thank you

amother

Eggshell

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 11:03 am

amother OP wrote:

My post did not mention anything about divorce.
My question was how to deal with my kids who are being raised with such a father.

I hear you, and I get this is a huge and difficult decision.

But your husband won't get help. So this isn't going to change, except for the worse.

Divorce is less traumatizing than being raised by an abusive father.

amother

Mintgreen

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 11:04 am

I have a family member (married into my family, 2nd marriage) who has several children who cut her off (and some who have a bare-minimum relationship with her) because her husband (who is no longer living) was physically abusive to them, and she did not stand up to him and protect them.

Long-term traumatic repercussions to abuse which she thought at the time was "normal" and they'd grow up and be okay.....

amother

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 11:04 am

Tof Umachol wrote:

Thank you. THIS is what I say ALWAYS. Physical IS emotional. Especially when it doesn't match the "crime", cause the child can't process it! He's like, what did I do to deserve this?
I appreciate you validating this. Thank you