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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances
S/o are you playing the game, or are people aware…
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Sep 18 2023, 6:44 pm
Of your real financial situation.

I personally do try to be more open.
We used to have more money at one point…iyh it should turn around quickly again, and when people think we have more money I usually feel the need to let them know otherwise….
Maybe that’s an issue too…


I don’t play any games, but I do sometimes spend more than I should for comfort, taste etc…
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amother
Snapdragon


 

Post Mon, Sep 18 2023, 6:57 pm
I’m not so open about it. We’re paying our bills but struggling. I don’t know who to talk to- some people would just feel bad and why should I make them feel bad? Others would just not even validate because they don’t get it.

BH we are putting a modest amount away in savings for simchos and retirement. We could technically afford to lease luxury cars and wear designer clothes but instead we’re investing that money. So we live relatively simply.


Dh’s family is super wealthy so we don’t discuss it so dh shouldn’t feel bad that he’s the only one who isnt providing for his family on the level that his parents did and siblings are.

My family is prob worse off than we are and if I discuss it with them they’ll probably judge everything I do or just feel bad for me so why should I make them feel bad?

I talk to Hashem about it
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Mon, Sep 18 2023, 7:04 pm
More or less. I pretend to have zero money. I don't care if people think me a stick in the mud because I don't go on vacations, eat out, buy the latest fashions, use disposables, etc. etc. But I have the security of having a healthy nest egg. Not lavish, but healthy. The only person I need to impress with my financial status is myself. All the people I could impress by keeping up with the Cohens wouldn't be coming to my financial rescue if I went broke, would they? So why would I bother trying to impress them, falsely or otherwise?
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amother
Tanzanite


 

Post Mon, Sep 18 2023, 7:12 pm
Bh we are comfortable and I mostly try to downplay it. Dh is the opposite however so I’m walking around in cheap clothes shoes bags etc. while he drives a fancy car and wears designer everything.
I don’t know if that’s called playing the game or what people really think about us nor do I give it much thought.
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Mon, Sep 18 2023, 7:17 pm
I used to live under our finances. now we've had to dip in to savings for therapy... but we I have very wealthy relatives and they don't "play the game" either. I wasn't raised with the nonsense of pretending to be wealthier then we actually are.
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amother
Kiwi


 

Post Mon, Sep 18 2023, 7:25 pm
We're very simple people, we drive an old car and our house needs repairs. We try to give our kids what most kids have and do. I doubt people are thinking we have more money than we do.
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amother
Bone


 

Post Mon, Sep 18 2023, 7:27 pm
My friends are probably similar to us in terms of finances. We don't really discuss it much, I guess we're more private. Everyone prioritizes differently though, I have one friend whose kids go to sleep away camp from a young age, wear designer clothing, lease nice cars, etc. But she doesn't own a home and I don't know if that's even something she cares about. Whereas for my family none of those are worth spending on, but we do visit family all over the world (mostly points but some we pay for), we own a home, and I pay a lot for what I feel is the best childcare available here. We probably have similar incomes but our spending looks very different.
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amother
Stoneblue


 

Post Mon, Sep 18 2023, 7:30 pm
I live less materialistic than some of the people we support with our Tzedaka. We have more money than 90%of our town but you would never guess. We are not from the 90% with heimish shoes, clothes ect. The people who know us, know we have nice income because we are generous.

I hate when people complain they have no money and spend on non necessities. I find the ones who are complaining the most are the ones who are spending.

My pet peeve is that people who know you; have an idea about your financial situation, and appreciate you for your personality, and people you don't know have no clue who you are; so for whom exactly are you showing off for?!
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amother
Latte


 

Post Mon, Sep 18 2023, 7:36 pm
amother Bone wrote:
My friends are probably similar to us in terms of finances. We don't really discuss it much, I guess we're more private. Everyone prioritizes differently though, I have one friend whose kids go to sleep away camp from a young age, wear designer clothing, lease nice cars, etc. But she doesn't own a home and I don't know if that's even something she cares about. Whereas for my family none of those are worth spending on, but we do visit family all over the world (mostly points but some we pay for), we own a home, and I pay a lot for what I feel is the best childcare available here. We probably have similar incomes but our spending looks very different.


This. I put money into things for the kids.
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amother
Raspberry


 

Post Mon, Sep 18 2023, 7:42 pm
Not playing the game but since I own a home that has gone up in value (which I can't sell because it's way cheaper than renting since I have a low interest mortgage and don't have enough income to ever get another mortgage) I think people think I have more money than I do. Also since my husband drives car service he has a very nice car (a Tesla). So people assume based on that. Ironically the Tesla is cheaper than gas when you drive so much but people don't think like that.
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amother
Cherry


 

Post Mon, Sep 18 2023, 11:08 pm
BH I wasn’t raised with the need to play the game. Interestingly neither was my husband. We actually live Below our means, we don’t do lavish vacations , fancy cars and designer clothes are not important to us and by extension our kids , even (especially!) our adult kids. BH we give a lot of tzedakah. Some of it to a few of our neighbors who have no idea it’s coming from us ( through the Rav who is very discreet) . And to other people/organizations as well. We also help our married kids BH. Interestingly our kids married into simple (financially speaking ) families. Our machatanim know we are better off but I don’t think they realize by how much. We paid more than our share for weddings but didn’t tell the machatanim how much , there was no point . BH our kids spouses were all raised well , have good middos and are appreciative of what we give , especially since their parents are not in such a position.
So if we “play the game” it may be the opposite of what is usually meant. If anything People think we have less than we do.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 18 2023, 11:54 pm
I rather suspect that the only people who will post here are those who don't try to keep up with the Rosenbergs to their own detriment. Those who do either don't recognize what they're doing or are embarrassed to admit it since it is a shallow and juvenile thing to do.
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amother
Cherry


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 12:03 am
zaq wrote:
I rather suspect that the only people who will post here are those who don't try to keep up with the Rosenbergs to their own detriment. Those who do either don't recognize what they're doing or are embarrassed to admit it since it is a shallow and juvenile thing to do.

I would hope you are right. However I know people who look at playing the game /keeping up with the Katzes as the norm and even a “smart” thing to do .
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 12:10 am
amother Cherry wrote:
I would hope you are right. However I know people who look at playing the game /keeping up with the Katzes as the norm and even a “smart” thing to do .


They feel it’s a worthwhile investment for a “better” shidduch which basically all it means that now the couple has a lot of pressure to keep up with those same people…

So don’t get what the return on their investment really is…
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amother
Nemesia


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 12:24 am
Have to admit I don’t get it and never have
What does someone gain by pretending/playing this game?
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amother
Seablue


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 12:26 am
amother Nemesia wrote:
Have to admit I don’t get it and never have
What does someone gain by pretending/playing this game?


Social standing in the community

Friends for themselves

Friends for their kids

Good shidduchim
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amother
Blonde


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 12:37 am
Different people have different priorities and different needs and you can’t know why someone may feel something is a need that you feel is lavish spending. The Tesla mentioned above is a perfect example. I wonder if you all realize how judgmental you sound.
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amother
Tanzanite


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 12:39 am
amother Seablue wrote:
Social standing in the community

Friends for themselves

Friends for their kids

Good shidduchim

We have the first three bh without me playing the game. Okay granted dh is the one who does and he’s the one who got us into the social circles we’re in so you may be right. But I feel zero pressure in those same circles. Like negative zero.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 12:41 am
I don't go announcing how hard it is for me to pay my bills, but I also don't go around spending money I don't have just to make an impression.

BH a million times over I live in a mixed community with every type imaginable and absolutely zero pressure, so no one thinks anything of anyone regardless of what car they drive or how they dress. Everyone spends on what they want and no one really cares. Thank you, X neighborhood in Toms River!
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 6:34 am
I thought I was living authentically to my finances. Not struggling bH but not really doing anything fancy and putting money into savings for a house. We don't buy up to date really anything because it's not our personalities, old cars, only chicken on shabbos, all of kids weekday clothes are hand me downs. But we also have the splurges on take out and trips to see family members that live year round in popular vacation spots.

Again, I thought this was all average but then in the past year, one family member offered us matanos levyonim and a different one told us about a great house going for sale for only $750,000 and we should get it. We also both have family members that are extremely wealthy and I think people assume that they have and would help out as needed (they haven't since needing flights to/from EY Shana rishona)

I guess the game is really in the eyes of those around us and if we're living up to their standards
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