One and Done AMA | Imamother

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One and Done AMA

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amother

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 12:35 pm

I have a 16 year old son - have known since just a few months into my pregnancy (at 19 years old!) that he was my first and last.

It was an extremely tough pregnancy with lasting complications so I can't say that it was a choice, but it's definitely a choice I made not to attempt it again. I am actively preventing pregnancy so it is obviously completely different than someone suffering from SIF, but there are some similar challenges.

SuperWify

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 12:36 pm

That’s hard knowing from when you’re 19!

Does son ever ask for siblings?

amother

Hyacinth

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 12:36 pm

Does everyone know that you can't have more? Did they always know?

amother

Geranium

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 12:37 pm

How long did it take you to reach acceptance?

amother

Sand

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 12:39 pm

How did you know you couldn’t have more? What was the problem?

amother

NeonPurple

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 12:39 pm

Do you spend a lot of quality time with your son?

amother

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 12:57 pm

SuperWify wrote:

That’s hard knowing from when you’re 19!

Does son ever ask for siblings?

I think back then I was just focused on the trauma and figuring out if I was going to live thorough it and the baby would survive, it took maybe years before I thought about what it actually meant lol.

Surprisingly my son never has. I have asked him a few times out of curiosity, I think he does like being an only child. Probably less now that he's a teenager and he's my only focus lol. I do remember when he was about 5 he talked about how he was going to have a baby (he didn't ask me to, he wanted to have one himself) and how it made sense for him to have it now, since he can just bring it to gan with him every day. Lol

amother

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 1:01 pm

amother Hyacinth wrote:

Does everyone know that you can't have more? Did they always know?

My parents and in laws I was clear about it to right after my son was born, but I am sure they just thought it was the trauma talking and that it would pass. I have gotten a lot of "you'll change your mind"s (not from them, from others). In general I am open about it if someone asks.

I posted in the other thread, about stupid comments we have gotten, about my MIL commenting about a new apartment we were looking at - "This is a big bedroom, you can fit at least 2 bunkbeds in here!". This was when my son was about 2 years old. I very nearly scratched her eyes out. My husband, son and I joke about that comment now but it was pretty eye opening to me back then, since I had been so clear about how he was an only.

amother

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 1:04 pm

amother Geranium wrote:

How long did it take you to reach acceptance?

I think it took many years to realize what it meant. But I remember wondering when he younger, and I was in my early 20s... Now what? Kind of like, there is nothing else to look forward to.

I have always been very matter of a fact and well adjusted about it though. I have obviously gotten dumb comments but they were never hurtful, just made me roll my eyes and marvel at the stupidity of people.

It's probably harder now than it was back then, I am in my mid 30s with a practically grown child and it's strange and unusual.

amother

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 1:08 pm

amother Sand wrote:

How did you know you couldn’t have more? What was the problem?

Mid pregnancy I knew I was never doing it again, even if the current pregnancy didn't have a happy ending (it was not a given). Honestly we never knew what caused the problem, my body just went nuts (this is probably not the medical term used Wink

). I went into multiple organ failure after many many weeks of excruciating pain that was dismissed by the ER docs every time.

amother

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 1:12 pm

amother NeonPurple wrote:

Do you spend a lot of quality time with your son?

Until he turned about 13-14, we were very close. I have always been a workaholic (something I regret now!) so did not spend a tremendous amount of time with him growing up, but we had some great times. My husband traveled a lot and I used to keep him out of school every so often just to do something fun.

Now that he is a teenager he has completely pulled away - normal I know, but it has been very hard Sad

We have a few series that we watch together but I don't count that as quality time lol.

amother

Yellow

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 1:26 pm

Did you ever consider adoption?

amother

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 8:38 am

amother Yellow wrote:

Did you ever consider adoption?

Not seriously. It's a long exhausting process and maybe if we wanted it more we would have.

I do have a fantasy of someone dropping a baby off on my doorstep and taking them in though Smile

amother

Scarlet

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 10:18 am

Were you medically advised not to have more, or did you come to that realization on your own?
Wishing you loads of nachas from your son and iyh grandchildren, and a great relationship (but not too close!) once he gets past his (normal) adolescent pulling away.

amother

Orchid

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 3:42 pm

Does your son know that he will be an only child forever? If so, what age did you tell him? Did you explain why?

Was your son's health affected by your health issues during your pregnancy?

Does your DH talk about it much?

amother

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 7:55 pm

amother Scarlet wrote:

My decision. Although when I did call my OB after I had the baby and he was healthy (in Israel doc is not at birth - I had last spoken to him the day before when he told me my last test results were bad and to go in and get induced asap) he let out a huge deep breath and then said "Let's not do this ever again, OK?" I took that though as an in the heat of the moment reaction, not medical advice LOL

Thank you for the beautiful bracha!

amother

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 8:09 pm

amother Orchid wrote:

He does. I don't remember ever telling him or having a conversation about it with him, so I'm not really sure how. Maybe offhand comments I have made.

At one point (at about 20 weeks pregnant) the docs were recommending surgery for me which would have required to abort, but I agreed to a whole bunch of crazy monitoring and restricted diet so was able to keep the pregnancy. They were very concerned about his lung development (once he was viable) since the results of the monitoring could have required an immediate induction. At one point things looked bad and they were going to give steroids to help him grow, but things calmed down for a bit so they held off. I was induced at some point in my 7th month, honestly don't remember exactly and his lungs seemed perfect. For many years though (until he was 10 or 11) he has terrible pneumonia every winter which sometimes turned to bronchitis. I was an absolute wreck during Covid but he actually did end up catching it and was totally fine, almost no symptoms.

DH has made some really dumb and insensitive comments every so often over the years, but we really don't talk about it much. I do remember having a very clear conversation with him after my son was born and telling him this was it for me, and if that doesn't work for him he can get out now. Recently (after a really dumb comment) I told him this, and he claims to have no recollection. I have also asked him in the past if he wanted to look into adoption or surrogacy and he is not interested at all.

amother

Cherry

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 8:12 pm

Hope this doesnt come across insensitive- but how do you know that a future pregnancy would be similar to this one? Maybe the next one wpuld be smoothless? Or is this a stupid question?

amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 5:31 pm

amother Cherry wrote:

Hope this doesnt come across insensitive- but how do you know that a future pregnancy would be similar to this one? Maybe the next one wpuld be smoothless? Or is this a stupid question?

I don't know. But not willing to find out Smile

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