I'm Ashkenazi and married Sefardi AMA

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 11:41 am

amother OP wrote:

So sorry bnei brak!

I actually know quite a few marriages where the woman was ashkenaz and the man was sefardi that ended in divorce. I'm kind of curious what happened in your case, but I totally understand if it's too personal/painful to share. You didn't start this AMA Wink

Not painful at all!
I have no idea how things are in the US but lots of sfaradi families are very very close knit- it can be good and bad.
In short: it's a whole different mentality.

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 11:58 am

amother Glitter wrote:

Where do you live? How your husband’s family deals with converts? My mom is ashkenazi and my dad a convert and they dont fully accept me, is sad…

Wow that must be so difficult. I'm sorry they aren't more accepting. What type of sefardi did you marry? Some are much less accepting of geometry than others.

I'm in the Tristate area. Well, I hope they're accepting as someone in my ancestry is a convert (don't wanna say too much). I've never experienced anything from my husband's family that soul tell me they aren't accepting.

The fact that your mother was born Jewish would make me think they have nothing to hold against your yichus.

amother

Glitter

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 12:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

I married a SY. I have lots of regrets, he doesn’t. I think he never liked his community

amother

Glitter

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 12:16 pm

amother Red wrote:

Sefardi here. The reality is that Sefardim say we accept converts but nobody is very comfortable with it.

True. It all started with a Takkanah in 1935, but thats something else. Its a sensitive topic and its not worthy

XOXO

amother

Glitter

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 12:31 pm

amother Red wrote:

Sefardi here. The reality is that Sefardim say we accept converts but nobody is very comfortable with it.

And I think Sefardi women are usually in charge. It just looks different

I would like to add my 2cents here: people born after 1990-93, 30ish yo, doesn’t really care about this Edict agains converts and they truly accept converts. Older generations are something else

Hatzlacha Raba!

amother

Red

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 1:44 pm

amother Glitter wrote:

True. It all started with a Takkanah in 1935, but thats something else. Its a sensitive topic and its not worthy

XOXO

I don't think so because Israeli Sefardim (of all ages) don't really accept converts either. Everyone wants to wait 4+ generations and see if the grandchildren stick with it.

amother

Hotpink

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 1:46 pm

amother Red wrote:

I don't think so because Israeli Sefardim (of all ages) don't really accept converts either. Everyone wants to wait 4+ generations and see if the grandchildren stick with it.

I really only think this matters if youre syrian. There was a thread last night that was removed.
Im sefardi and we dont view geirim any different than someone who is FFB. My israeli BIL is seriously dating someone whos mother is a giyores. My MIL and my BILs rebbe looked extensively into her geirus and spoke to the bais din. She is a sweet, regular, eidel BY girl.

amother

Red

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 2:02 pm

amother Hotpink wrote:

I'm not Syrian and my parents aren't speaking to my brother because he's dating someone whose mother converted. (For the record, I do not agree with their behavior)

So I think it's definitely an issue for non Syrians

amother

Hotpink

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 2:04 pm

amother Red wrote:

What type of sefardi are you? How do your parents identify frum level wise?

amother

Glitter

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 4:22 pm

amother Glitter wrote:

If they live in Brooklyn its very understandable

Its also very understandable if they live somewhere where the Takana is imposed, because it directly affects the social living: no alyahs, schools, etc etc

But if its just bigoton, try to speak to them and show how important it is to love the convert

amother

Red

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 4:36 pm

amother Glitter wrote:

They don't live in Brooklyn, or somewhere the takana is enforced. They mostly run in Israeli circles.

They are not alone. It's something that people say they accept but when push comes to shove they don't want it in their family and they don't want their kids playing with the kids.

amother

Glitter

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 5:19 pm

amother Red wrote:

I know how it is. It’s sad because most converts are way more religious than born jews (like your flexidox parents) and still have to face this. Its never about religion, its always about racism. I dont judge your parents because they are just reacting to the community feelings about it

amother

Moonstone

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 5:26 pm

This whole thread is very interesting to me. I’m the product of a mixed marriage, went to a regular BY and fit in with the general community. I honestly don’t think we looked or acted differently from the other kids in my class. We davened at a Moroccan shul but culturally we’re just American I guess. My father attended Ashkenaz schools his whole life and doesn’t act any differently than the Ashkenaz relatives I know. Yes we have a feisty Moroccan grandmother that I love so much and makes the best Moroccan food Smile

So far everyone in my family married Ashkenaz but we were all open to dating sefardi. Many of my sefardi cousins also married Ashkenaz just because there are more of them out there, not as a preference. While there are definitely ppl out there that wouldn’t let their children date Moroccans it didn’t really make such a difference to anyone in my family. Those ppl wouldn’t date us regardless because we use plastic, don’t have yichus, go outdoors without makeup etc it’s not our crowd at all. My husband and I have some family differences but the only cultural differences we have are more related to growing up in different cities. I can’t honestly think of one difficulty we faced due to my being Moroccan and he ashkenaz.

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:47 pm

Sweetmommy wrote:

Can you elaborate please?

I think the opinion that the man is the king of his household is a much louder sentiment among sefardim. I'm not saying it's wrong. I just think the husbands demand it more and make it more known. (To be honest, I think a lot of ashkenaz men wish they could be more on this side of things.)

Definitely the gender roles are much more traditional.

Sefardim being warmer, I see as being true. People are much more themselves and open to chatting and being authentic. No one cares how religious you are; you are always welcome.

Less interest in higher education. They are very successful in business and trades.

Lots more skepticism of government and medicine.

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:50 pm

amother Orchid wrote:

When it comes to your childrens shidduchim ,if you had to guess what do you think they will probably marry ? (happens to be I usually see the girl become like her mother and the boy like his father)

My kids are so so young. There's really no way to tell. I'd be happy with either. It really comes down to middos and compatibility.

I might lean toward them marrying ashkenaz. I'm kinda bias. Perhaps the girls marrying ashkenaz and the boys marrying sefardi? I don't know...