How not get angry and resentful

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Toddlers

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View latest: 24h 48h 72h

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:42 am

amother Navy wrote:

If I was your child, the only thing I would be learning is fear of communicating with my mother.

Hurting someone deliberately to get your way is not communication it’s manipulation. And some children learn that very young.

amother

Buttercup

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:42 am

OP, it sounds like this is your first child. You have to think about why you take it so personally. I have had some very very challenging toddlers, and I don't take anything they do personally. They are little, they can't handle waiting, they can't handle big emotions well, they need us to love them and be patient with them, and teach them, and keep them safe.

Its not about you, he's not out to get you, he is struggling with his overwhelming feelings.

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:43 am

giftedmom wrote:

From personal experience, no, it doesn’t happen again. No power struggle. A quick message that if you hurt people you will be hurt back.

Ok that your own personal experience.
There are other experiences.

amother

Cornsilk

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:43 am

I think you should take parenting class.

If the thread was How to not be overwhelmed and frustrated, okay. The point is if you're struggling with anger & resentment, no time like now to readjust your mindframe to something healthy. Don't keep coming from an unhealthy and bad place at this. You have your whole life ahead of you.

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:44 am

scruffy wrote:

Doesn't it teach them that if you're stronger then you can get your way by hurting others?

No, I haven’t seen that. Maybe it teaches them to not start up with someone stronger than them and that’s not a bad lesson to learn.

amother

Navy

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:44 am

giftedmom wrote:

Hurting someone deliberately to get your way is not communication it’s manipulation. And some children learn that very young.

Hes communicating a feeling to you. 2 year olds dont manipulate

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:44 am

scruffy wrote:

Doesn't it teach them that if you're stronger then you can get your way by hurting others?

Yeah they quietly wait their time…

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:45 am

amother Navy wrote:

Hes communicating a feeling to you. 2 year olds dont manipulate

No, not everything is communicating a feeling. 2 year olds can 100% learn that if they hurt someone they will get what they want. I don’t know why that concept is so hard to understand. It’s simple cause and effect.

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:45 am

amother Buttercup wrote:

OP, it sounds like this is your first child. You have to think about why you take it so personally. I have had some very very challenging toddlers, and I don't take anything they do personally. They are little, they can't handle waiting, they can't handle big emotions well, they need us to love them and be patient with them, and teach them, and keep them safe.

It’s not about you, he's not out to get you, he is struggling with his overwhelming feelings.

Yeah I agree with this and mushkamother at beginning of thread, highlighting that resentment means you’re not taking care of your own needs.

amother

Red

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:46 am

giftedmom wrote:

You go ahead and feel bad for them
It stops the behavior. Abuse is abuse no matter who does it. And I will not be abused in my own home by anyone.
I am modeling intolerance for abuse

By abusing them back?

amother

Buttercup

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:46 am

giftedmom wrote:

Yes maybe I should
I 100% have seen 2 year olds who fully understand that hurting someone can get them what they want. That kind of behavior is abuse, yes.

So teach them by showing them that they won't get what they want, and then by teaching a replacement skill that WILL get them what they want.

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:47 am

giftedmom wrote:

The only tool in the belt is to hit them back?
What else do they get hit for in that case?
And if you use other methods for other things then why hurt the kid in this situation?

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:47 am

amother Dandelion wrote:

Ok that your own personal experience.
There are other experiences.

Forsure. I’m only sharing my personal experience here. For me, this is my red line. I don’t have that many other red lines in my parenting. I haven’t needed to do this more than maybe once or twice.

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:47 am

amother Red wrote:

By abusing them back?

By defending myself yes

amother

DarkCyan

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:48 am

OP, I see this all the time with first time moms.
You attribute older actions to younger children

Your child isn’t hurting you because they want to see you hurt. I also have a 2.5 year old (very speech delayed so can act much younger) and I have had many toddlers

They hurt for attention. That’s it! My toddler loves to hurt me more if I respond “no hurting mommy!” He just wants my reaction and attention

This is something that just gets amplified as they get older and it never ever goes away, but try giving positive attention! That means, ignore or silently address bad behavior, and give a lot of attention to good behavior

When they are older, they may need some attention for bad behavior, but never ever can you take it personally. Ever!!

Toddlers don’t think like that! I find my kids only start to think “I want to hurt mommy because I’m feeling hurt and she hurt me” once they reach around 7/8 years old.

Before that, they are not hurting you to “get you”

And always keep in mind, no child is ever acting up for no reason! It’s very reasonable that you don’t need to give him attention 24/7, or while your cooking supper. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want it, and he knows that the way to get your attention is by hurting you. “Yay! Mommy stopped cooking, she’s looking at me/ yelling at me/interacting with me!”
You don’t need to give home attention all the time, just realize that’s why he’s doing it

amother

Navy

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:48 am

giftedmom wrote:

If your child hits his sibling are you going to tell that sibling 'Hit him back he deserves it!'?
I dont know why this is so hard to understand

amother

Buttercup

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:49 am

giftedmom wrote:

And you can use the same cause and effect to teach them what works to get what they want, WITHOUT hurting them.

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:49 am

amother Buttercup wrote:

So teach them by showing them that they won't get what they want, and then by teaching a replacement skill that WILL get them what they want.

That might work but can take a while and I will not allow myself to be hurt in the meantime. Zero tolerance policy. Full stop. Sorry if that triggers some people. I will not be mistreated by anyone.

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:50 am

giftedmom wrote:

That might work but can take a while and I will not allow myself to be hurt in the meantime. Zero tolerance policy. Full stop. Sorry if that triggers some people. I will not be mistreated by anyone.

Is a baby crying mistreatment? Curious how you decide when the behavior is mistreatment.
Why is the kid hitting so triggering to you?

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:50 am

amother Navy wrote:

If your child hits his sibling are you going to tell that sibling 'Hit him back he deserves it!'?
I dont know why this is so hard to understand

No but most of the time I won’t get involved

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