How not get angry and resentful

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 1:34 pm

amother Freesia wrote:

Giftedmom, what age would you start this from? I have an 8 month old who bites. She bites during nursing, but at other times she will bite my arms when I hold her or my feet if she is playing on the floor. This doesn't happen often, she usually does this only while teething, but she also seems to think my reaction is funny, so she does it intentionally on some level because it gets her attention or stimulation when she wants it. She already has some teeth, so it really hurts me when she bites. Would you hurt back a kid that young? If not then, what age would you decide to hurt the kid back?

I have been told by people that they put a small amount of cayenne pepper in a baby’s mouth when they bit during nursing and it never happened again. Personally I’d probably rather stop nursing as I can’t imagine doing that.
I would start at an age when there is clear intent motivated by wanting to get their way and/or “punishing” me for not doing something they want.
Your baby is primarily doing it because she’s teething, even if she thinks your reaction is funny. Babies bite everything.

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 1:38 pm

giftedmom wrote:

I don’t understand the disconnect between understanding why babies bite and why toddlers hit.
Even if they do it to want to get their way or upset the mom (they try it once and see by the reaction it works not because they know “that’s giving mom pain and I want to give her pain”)that’s not the same as “wanting to hurt their mother”.

Edited to add I told myself I wasn’t gonna get dragged in lol but wasn’t successful I guess I’m making the points in general not to just argue with one particular poster

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 1:43 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

If you don’t see the difference between a baby biting because they’re teething, and your arm was the closest object, and a toddler looking you dead in the eye and bashing your head with a hard object because you didn’t give them what they want, then sorry🤷🏽‍♀️.

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 1:45 pm

Again, not every toddler does this ever. I’ve had to stop this behavior maybe once or twice in over a decade of parenting.
And then again when they reach adolescence, this time verbally.

amother

Hydrangea

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 1:46 pm

giftedmom wrote:

Again, not every toddler does this ever. I’ve had to stop this behavior maybe once or twice in over a decade of parenting.
And then again when they reach adolescence, this time verbally.

Do you mean that if a child says, "You're a horrible mother, I hate you!" you tell them "You're a horrible child, I hate you!" ??

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 1:47 pm

amother Hydrangea wrote:

Do you mean that if a child says, "You're a horrible mother, I hate you!" you tell them "You're a horrible child, I hate you!" ??

No. I say “you cannot speak to me this way, and I will not speak to you as long as you do”.

amother

Midnight

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 1:51 pm

giftedmom wrote:

Hurting someone deliberately to get your way is not communication it’s manipulation. And some children learn that very young.

Children/toddlers are NOT capable of manipulating. They have a need that they need met.

amother

Amethyst

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 1:51 pm

giftedmom wrote:

No. I say “you cannot speak to me this way, and I will not speak to you as long as you do”.

Telling your teenager "You cannot speak to me this way" is appropriate parenting and setting boundaries. Saying "I won't speak to you as long as you do" is catty and childish. Giving your child the silent treatment? Your kids look at you to model mature behavior and proper communication skills. If what they're seeing from you is to ignore those who bother them, soon enough they'll be giving you the silent treatment. I'm all for telling a teenager she can't be disrespectful towards her parents, but I think refusing to talk to her afterwards until she apologizes is modeling toxic behavior

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 1:52 pm

amother Midnight wrote:

Children/toddlers are NOT capable of manipulating. They have a need that they need met.

Then they will learn that they will not get their needs met by hurting me. Potato potahto it doesn’t matter.

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 1:53 pm

amother Amethyst wrote:

You can disagree and parent your teens the way you see fit.
This is a red line for me and I treat it accordingly.

amother

Amethyst

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 1:54 pm

OP, to respond to your original question, I think when babies start talking and acting like older children we confuse them with older children who have more ability to regulate themselves and communicate their feelings. but a 2 year old is just a bigger baby who knows some words! his emotional development is not there yet. So yes, he is still a baby and using what is available to him to get what he wants - in this case, physical force. Not sure if you answered this, but how verbal is he?

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 1:55 pm

I was the OP of a thread thats since deleted bec I’m not sure if my moms here. But she threatened me silent treatment as an adult.
And it hurt like hell.
And she was doing it to manipulate me. That’s what it is. Manipulative behavior. She wanted me to do x and if not y.
And as an adult it pushed me towards mitigating my relationship with her. Because I’m big and “won’t tolerate it”. Well really because it made me feel like she’s not a “safe” person to me. She can’t handle me not doing what she wants and will lash out in a way that hurts me.
Not a change in the relationship externally. No she doesn’t see the difference.
I continued like the bigger person and yet the relationship on my end isn’t the same.
Please think about the tactic unless you have one end goal in mind and jsut one, not to be treated ever in a way you don’t like.

amother

Ballota

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 1:55 pm

giftedmom wrote:

Hurting someone deliberately to get your way is not communication it’s manipulation. And some children learn that very young.

Isn’t that exactly what you’re doing? Think it through logically.

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 1:57 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

Why does a red line have to hurt?
Is that the only way to get your way?
If so how are you different than them? Because you’re bigger?

All good questions. If you figure out a way to quickly and 100% effectively get the message across otherwise please let me know.

amother

Ballota

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 1:59 pm

giftedmom wrote:

No. I’m responding to being hurt. There is a difference.

And you’re responding by hurting someone to get your way. Teaching that it’s a valid method.

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 2:00 pm

giftedmom wrote:

All good questions. If you figure out a way to quickly and 100% effectively get the message across otherwise please let me know.

Why is quickly so important?
That’s the part that doesn’t seem logical.

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 2:02 pm

amother Ballota wrote:

And you’re responding by hurting someone to get your way. Teaching that it’s a valid method.

I’m responding with hurt to get the message across that this is a red line and I won’t allow this behavior, in any way, shape, or form.
It is a valid method to stop others from hurting you.

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 2:06 pm

Why is your toddler or teen not hurting you such a red line even if keeping the line hurts them back?
I don’t see it the same as if a guy on the street punched you. But apparently you do.
What are the overarching goals of your parenting? Because this might counteract those. Spoken from experience.