Kids who don’t take no for an answer

oneofakind

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 11:53 am

Validation definitely has it's place. Imagine this:
You: I really want a mink coat
DH: But we can't afford it
You: But I still really want a mink coat
DH: I told you we can't afford it. This discussion is over.

Or
DH: It would be really nice if you can get one. It's a shame we can't get one. I'm sure you it would look great on you.

For kids just nagging for stuff, people above had great ideas.

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 1:07 pm

There is so much wisdom in this thread. So many good answers and suggestions. I really appreciate all responses. Thank you!

amother

↑ White

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 2:49 pm

amother Dustypink wrote:

Consequence of
hitting=hold her hand down firmly. "We don't hit" if she does it one more time, remove her from the situation for a little bit. repeat the sentence.

Mess=she has to help you clean up. She will spritz or wipe.
Try to not give her enough of anything to make a huge mess to begin with. Small portions and little bit of water or use sippy or non-spill cup. Once you see that she is getting bored with whatever she has, don't let her sit any longer, remove the potential mess or remove her from it.

Saying no=you go calmly over to her and guide her to do the thing. She might have a bit of a fit adn that's okay.

And example of this is if you tell her 'come here' she says 'NO!' so you say 'I'm counting to threeee' and while you count, you go over, take her hand and bring her to where you stood. what this is doing, is teaching her that there's no way to defy mommy/daddy because this is gonna happen anyway, even if she says no.

If she spills
do this: 'Come, I'll help you clean up the mess' and you get the product and a cloth. then you make it a non threatening experience to clean up. This is a consequence, not a punishment; when we spill, we clean. If she refuses, I sometimes hold her hand and make her do a tiny bit, and then tell her how good she was for helping me while I clean the rest.

do not do this: 'Do you want to help mommy cleeeaan?' and then when she says 'NO' get into a discussion of consequences and messes and people falling and ants....

You want to lead the conversation and activities. it is simply you guiding her and teaching her how to follow your lead. You are the only person in the world who cares about her enough to teach her how to be a mench. How to navigate the world. If she can learn the rules of the game now, she'll be better off playing later when the setting changes and the people are strangers. She will have an innate feeling of right and wrong, sequence of actions, and repercussions for bad actions/personal pride for good actions. In the end this way is making her more compliant with future interactions with other people and it' a tremendous chessed.

We’re already in bad patterns I wish there was a way to start fresh.
Thanks for the input.

amother

Magenta ↓

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 3:36 pm

I didn't read all the answers but saw that most said to validate which is 100 percent true. I also taught my nagging children the concept of "there will be other opportunities" especially for children on the anxious side.

It could also be the child is generally bored or unhappy. Make sure your not too controlling, age appropriate. Every 8 year old is different and sometimes you need to let go a little.

amother

↑ Magenta

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 4:29 pm

I read through the answers now. Does your child have issues with flexibility? Sharing her feelings? Your child seems to be missing a skill.

amother

↑ Valerian ↓

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 6:51 pm

amother Dustypink wrote:

Benefits of what? This method over doing what clearly doesn't work for them? Or benefit of neurodivergent?

I was responding to your post from yesterday 7.28pm (I don't know how to quote 2)
You wrote their way of thinking has benefits...?
They aren't neurodivergent as far I can see

amother

↑ Valerian ↓

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 6:55 pm

amother Ivory wrote:

What does it look like when an adult does this? Can you give some examples? Do these people usually get their way or does life teach them the hard way?

I feel like adults who don’t take no for an answer are successful in our culture.

They don't take a no Laugh

They'll ask repeatedly ppl when told no until they get what they want. It's possible it helps them be successful but it's also overstepping boundaries and as a spouse and daughterinlaw they walk all over me Banging head

amother

Yolk

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 7:24 pm

Not a suggestion for you, but the Lubavitcher Rebbbe said we can learn from kids who don't take no for an answer that we need to beg Hashem for moshiach and not take no for an answer. May your daughter help bring moshiach already.

amother

Coral

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 8:45 pm

amother Magenta wrote:

I read through the answers now. Does your child have issues with flexibility? Sharing her feelings? Your child seems to be missing a skill.

This explains my 11 year old Can't Believe It

Thanks everyone for sharing such beautiful ideas here!

amother

↑ Valerian

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 8:52 pm

amother Yolk wrote:

That's a positive way of viewing it 😀

amother

↑ Ivory

Thu, Dec 07 2023, 10:41 am

amother Yolk wrote:

Love this!

amother

Nectarine

Thu, Dec 07 2023, 10:53 am

Redbird wrote:

I have a son like this. I used to chalk his issues up to anxiety, and but I'm realizing that's not fully quite the explanation. Its that he has a really hard time feeling negative emotions. Disappointment, anger, fear, ect. are all too much and when he feels any of those things he goes right to fight mode.

Look up what Becky Kennedy has to say about Highly Feeling Kids, and see if it resonates.

Where can I find what she has to say? I tried googling

amother

Phlox

Thu, Dec 07 2023, 11:42 am

I just came across this parenting class recording that deals with this topic. Starts at about 6 minutes 35 seconds in:

https://raizelreitshiurim.word.....es-28

She basically says you have to be consistent about whether you do or don't allow for negotiation.