Call me a mean mommy but I was at my wits end

amother

Linen

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 7:23 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

No, it's not productive. OP should feel terribly guilty over this. Not get validation & be told that her child will forgive & forget.

Most people don't change from having rocks thrown at them. Sorry. If you haven't learned that at this point, that's unfortunate.

You sound very triggered based on all your posts here.

notshanarishona

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 7:23 pm

Many 3 year olds would not stay in bed if you walk out of the room. My son is 4.5 and we still stay in the room till he falls asleep, because otherwise he may randomly decide to get up and start emptying out his dresser or other fun stuff. It’s called being a toddler.

amother

Lightpink

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 7:24 pm

Sounds like you were frustrated which blinded you and cause you to make a mistake. I would definitely apologize to her in the morning and let her know that what you did was not okay. This will hold you accountable in the future and will also model the correct behaviors for her. It’s important for her to know hurting another person is not okay. When you’re calm and it’s not bedtime I’m sure you can strategize TOGETHER on what would work! I find walking them back to bed without any words is the best method. No communication whatsoever besides showing them this is the only option and there’s no room for negotiation. Good luck !

amother

Eggplant

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 7:24 pm

effess wrote:

Moms, be kind to an overwhelmed mom!
She’s willing to learn from you if you say it nicely.
Getting rocks thrown her way will not help.
She knows it was bad.
Read between the lines, she’s not feeling good about herself.
Your kind guidance can help her and her dear child.

If OP has abusive tendencies and behaviors, then talking nice to her on imamother won't help her. She needs serious professional help. For the sake of her children.

amother

Eggplant

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 7:25 pm

amother Linen wrote:

Most people don't change from having rocks thrown at them. Sorry. If you haven't learned that at this point, that's unfortunate.

You sound very triggered based on all your posts here.

An abusive person won't change from this thread either.
And actually, making them feel horrible might have a better effect then making them feel not guilty & like it's not that big of a deal.
I'm not triggered. I'm angry. Angry that a mother has locked her little baby in to their room & has twisted the arm of the same baby. And has threatened same baby that she'll do it again.
Everyone should be horrified about this.

amother

Linen

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 7:26 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

If OP has abusive tendencies and behaviors, then talking nice to her on imamother won't help her. She needs serious professional help. For the sake of her children.

You yelling at her isn't gonna make her pick up the phone and call a therapist.

CPenzias

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 7:26 pm

happy7 wrote:

Not a popular opinion, but you might want to try a hook and eye on the outside of the room.
You tell her, I am going to close the door for five minutes. If you stay in bed for the five minutes, I will open the door. If not, I will have to keep the door locked until you are sleeping. You tell her: I will always unlock the door before I go to sleep.

This is a fire hazard. It's not ok

amother

Linen

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 7:27 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

An abusive person won't change from this thread either.
And actually, making them feel horrible might have a better effect then making them feel not guilty & like it's not that big of a deal.

I think you need some help in emotional regulation. No one is saying that she handled this situation well.

Rappel

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 7:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

She has a normal bedtime consisting of a book, shema, kiss, tucked in and a cd to listen to. She has a weighted blanket which doesn't even help. She gets right back out of bed and runs around wild until I send her back to bed. She does it as a game. Idk what else to do. She doesn't understand the concept of a reward chart.

Super Nanny gave me a solution, years ago. Basically, your child is seeking the reward of your attention, even negative attention. So there's a way to fix that

Here goes:

When I need to train a child to stay in bed, I set myself up with a pen, paper, and a reward I like (chocolate!)

First time I put the child to bed, they get the full ceremony (shema, hug, words) etc.

Second time, I say a short sentence like "it's sleep time now" as I place them back in bed.

After that, I place them back in bed without any words (read: attention), and without any emotion. Often not even eye contact. My affect is boredom.

Along the way, I mark a tally chart, and I reward myself for each tally.

The first night, my kid can get out of bed 40-50 times. The second night it can drop to 12. Third night, 7. 4th , 5th, 6th? Congratulations, your kid is bedtime trained!

This solution saved my sanity, and allows me be a kind mother. Use it and enjoy!

amother

Eggplant

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 7:28 pm

amother Linen wrote:

You yelling at her isn't gonna make her pick up the phone and call a therapist.

And telling her that her child will forgive by morning, will just make her not feel bad about doing it again.

CPenzias

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 7:29 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

No, it's not productive. OP should feel terribly guilty over this. Not get validation & be told that her child will forgive & forget.

The op already feels bad! That's why she posted here. I'm trying to give constructive advice. Are you?

amother

Eggplant

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 7:29 pm

Rappel wrote:

This really works, but takes a ton ton of patience.
And it doesn't involve physical force.

amother

Lightpink

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 7:29 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

And telling her that her child will forgive by morning, will just make her not feel bad about doing it again.

Eggplant, is this post triggering your inner child? I’m wondering why you’re responding so harshly.

amother

Linen

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 7:30 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

And telling her that her child will forgive by morning, will just make her not feel bad about doing it again.

I haven't seen that to be the case actually.

When people say things like that, they are telling someone, "Hey, you messed up. It's true. But you are a good parent inside and you know how to do better next time. Your daughter still loves you. Show her how much you love her too by learning better coping skills."

You really need to relax.

amother

Eggplant

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 7:30 pm

CPenzias wrote:

The op already feels bad! That's why she posted here. I'm trying to give constructive advice. Are you?

I have said several times that she should seek professional help. I also posted that she should take BC till she gets said help.
And I think she should tell her husband about it tonight and see what he has to say about it.

amother

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 7:32 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

This really works, but takes a ton ton of patience.
And it doesn't involve physical force.

I have tried this. And at this point it's turned into a game and she keeps doing it. I thought by ignoring her and figuring she's not tired she'll eventually get tired. But last night she was up very late and I didn't want a repeat

amother

Eggplant

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 7:32 pm

amother Lightpink wrote:

Eggplant, is this post triggering your inner child? I’m wondering why you’re responding so harshly.

No, bh not.
I just feel so bad for the child & am angry at the mom. As per OP, it's not the first time she has done something abusive to the kid. That's very very scary.