How much do you spend a season

amother

Cerise

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 8:49 pm

Tao wrote:

Love reading these threads cuz it makes me feel good about how little I spend in comparison instead of guilty for buying new stuff for the season when last years' still fits LOL

agree that $1600 is crazy, but don't agree that 3 is enough. You need 2 per day in the summer for a toddler (and tbh an older kid as well), and thats assuming they'll be in pjs at night, otherwise you'll need 3. I understand not wanting to wear the same 3 outfits every week for a whole season.
Also don't forget 2 or sometimes 3 day yom tov...

Yes but she wrote 8 shabbos outfits?

I bh can afford to buy middle of the line Jewish store in season. (I will also shop sales but for higher end things I want reduced).

But I get 2 nicer shabbos (this season I got on sale for 100$ each + 85 end of season sale).
One simpler shabbos/ shabbos afternoon(75$)
Cardigan (50$ end of season sale)

Then I’ll get another shabbos outfit when the sales start.

Spending 1,600 on shabbos for one kid for a season is really not typical even if shopping full price Lakewood stores.

Eta 1600 for everything including shoes is much more reasonable even if still high. A 2 year old especially, and you’re not matching anyone, should be able to find rompers under 100 for most.

amother

Bluebell

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 8:51 pm

OP you keep taking about it how you were brought up but what you should be talking about is how you want to bring up your children. What kind of values do you want to impart on your daughter and future children. It sounds as if the value (of image, of high fashion and high spending) didn’t serve you well. Is this sort of spending and the image it projects is worth being a point of contention in your marriage?

What are you, 25? 28? It’s time to separate and individuate from your parents and really think about who you are and what you want. And frankly your husband as the person you chose (I imagine you knew his financial history before you married him) your husband (and his Vision for the family) needs to be part of that equation

amother

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 8:56 pm

amother Cerise wrote:

Yes but she wrote 8 shabbos outfits?

I bh can afford to buy middle of the line Jewish store in season. (I will also shop sales but for higher end things I want reduced).

But I get 2 nicer shabbos (this season I got bonpoint on sale for 100$ each + paade mode sale 85 end of season sale).
One simpler shabbos/ shabbos afternoon(75$)
Cardigan (50$ end of season sale)

Then I’ll get another shabbos outfit when the sales start.

Spending 1,600 on shabbos for one kid for a season is really not typical even if shopping full price Lakewood stores.

I said 1600 for the whole wardrobe
And I wrote multiple times tht 8 is too much

amother

Bronze

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 8:58 pm

Op my dh was brought up wealthy and has very expensive taste but he doesn’t make enough money to justify custom suits or nice restaurants more than on a birthday or anniversary or get a new car. So he manages. We put away about 50k in savings because we know it’s stupid to try live life to show off or please others. We are pleased to know our retirement and children’s simcha/downpayment/college investment accounts are bH being funded.

Once in a while one of us will save up for a luxury item (his parents gift bday and Chanukah cash gifts to both of us) but most of our lifestyle is not at all what he’s used to.

That’s life. (And that’s why I think it’s a disservice to spoil kids)

giftedmom

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 9:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

OP here
I appreciate ur responses
U are correct. I am married 4.5 years
This is my first and first grandchild on my side of the family.

My parents are wealthy and everyone thinks they help out but behind the scenes they don’t. I paid for all my daughter’s clothes this season. My mother didn’t even offer me to reimburse me at all.
I need to still get my daughter shoes, my mother said she will take me and pay but she keeps pushing it off.

Maybe some others responders are correct tht eventually I will not care to buy h and m , Ali and Zara.
But I do appreciate the finer things in life. And I don’t see it changing so drastically
I have friends brought up like me and spending a lot more per season on their toddler. I know my limits. I won’t spend $220 on a bonpoint current season dress.

When I first got married, I didn’t get myself any clothes. I showed up at my parents in a basic ribbed skirt from the gallery and ribbed t shirt. I will never forget how my mother was appalled that I was walking around Lakewood like tht. She said I looked lk a shlump.
Obv we got into a fight tht she won’t take me shopping etc and eventually she got me 4 things.

It’s very hard when u have family pressure but no family help.
So plz everyone don’t judge

So your parents expect you to project the family image without the family funds to back it up. It’s a tough spot to be in. It’s possible your husbands parents expected that you would be supported even if it wasn’t explicitly agreed upon. That can’t be easy on your marriage either.
You’re young and still finding your own way while trying to individuate from your parents who won’t let go without a fight.
Please understand that they’re not very emotionally healthy. It’s possible that they’re actually struggling financially but don’t want others to know. But even if not, it’s obviously unfair of them to expect these standards from you. You’re a married woman and your obligation is towards your husband and the future of your family.
IYH you will learn healthy boundaries, how to gently but firmly answer your parents without getting into a fight, and how to budget responsibly.

amother

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 9:01 pm

amother Bluebell wrote:

I’m actually younger than tht
And I definitely have changed from how I was brought up. My mother never once shopped sales. She walked into stores beginning of season, got what she wanted and walked out.
She never tried going to sales to shop for next year. Or shopping online past season at huge discounts.

For me to shop online and not go to stores is huge. I rlly do miss the store experience. For myself and my daughter.

I want my daughter to always want to look put together but realize tht yes we take the time to search for a good deal.
If u see something full price tht u like, keep an eye on it. It will go down eventually.

Listen, this might change in a few years after another kid or two.
Who knows ….

My husband has come a long way in excepting and be ok with my standard. As have I gone a long way in lowering it.
We both have what to work on still in this area and come to a middle ground
Iyh at due time

amother

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 9:09 pm

giftedmom wrote:

Thank you for ur kind thoughtfully worded response
It’s very difficult for us in many areas.

Seperate topic completely but Such as buying a house.
Ppl come up to my husband and shul and say oh I heard ur shver is buying u a house and unfortunately Thts not the case AT ALL!!
But on flip side my parents are putting non stop pressure tht we shld buy a house and now is the perfect time. They started putting pressure Bec they started realizing tht ppl think it’s weird tht im still renting a basement.
They keep saying that there’s never a comfortable moment in life to buy a house. They know ppl tht bought houses on credit card. What tht means idk. And they mk it sound lk Thts ok which is not!!

It’s been very difficult to hold our ground and keep saying no. We don’t want to take on the expense of a mortgage. Utilities. More cleaning help etc

My parents claim they will help with the mortgage but we know better than to believe it will last more than first 6 months.
But we know what’s best for us and we won’t give in.

We know our boundaries in certain things.
But I also enjoy fashion. And have learnt how to shop much cheaper than how my mother does.

For all of u asking abt savings, yes we put money aside every month. A few 100

giftedmom

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 9:24 pm

amother OP wrote:

You have it in you to resist the pressure. Continue doing the same I other areas and IYH you will eventually have money for a house. Almost no one buys a house at your stage without any help. It takes time to build yourself up financially. It helps to spend less and save more, possibly invest so the money doesn’t lose value in the bank.

amother

Peach

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 9:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

Kol hakavod to you. It's really difficult. I understand it because I spend waaaay less than the way I was brought up because my husband couldn't (and still can't) accept my spending. The difference is that he was brought up with parents who spend A LOT and expect their kids to do the same.
I started setting a budget before the season and figuring out the wardrobe accordingly. I did really well and the perk was that my MIL asked me to help her shop for her kids (and even bought some stuff on Ali like I did. I was shocked)

amother

Cerise

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 9:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

But if you want to buy a house you may want to be more aggressive with saving.

And I understand your position- my in laws used to be wealthy and are much tighter these days. They bought everyone else houses etc. and people don’t know we are on our own. Bh bh hashem has been kind to us and we bought a house, it’s incredible what hashem can do.

amother

Cyan

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 11:09 pm

Hi OP,
I just read through the whole thread and wish I can give you a hug! I also have emotionally unhealthy parents and it’s HARD! It definitely strained our marriage and still does somewhat. It took years of self work and boundaries and learning about eachother and now we are a strong unit bh. We actually moved a plane ride away and built ourselves up here. The last time my parents came to visit I noticed how they really saw me as my own person doing what’s best for my family and that was HUGE! So keep setting your boundaries and work with and trust your husband and iyh you should see loads of brocha in your life!
With regards to the clothing, yes that’s a lot but I totally hear where you are coming from. I would try to balance a bit. At this point in my life I can bh afford to buy whatever I like but I still do some more expensive designer and some lil legs. You’d be surprised at what you can sometimes find at gap, Nordstrom rack and off fifth too. I also learnt over time that the value my mother puts on clothing is so high that it makes life so shallow. I still love pretty things and appreciate designer and my one and only daughter has quite the wardrobe. The difference is in our approach. It’s not the focus of our lives. Our Torah values, relationships and middos come first.

imaima

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 11:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

Op here again

I would like to also explain my husbands side
He grew up in a home tht always had financial struggle.
He is not used to this concept at all. He can’t fathom spending $100 on a dress.

It took time for him to adjust to my standard - which has been lowered since I got married - but he sometimes still can’t get it.

Just like a lot of u can’t understand why I don’t buy stuff on Ali or H and m.
He can’t wrap his brain around my upbringing.

It causes a lot of tension many times.
And when I posted the original post, it was after a tense conversation about how much I spent this season on clothes.

We have the money for it. The credit card will get paid. But he just can’t understand it

I think noone here can understand the concept of spending thousands on a child pre-marriage and spending nothing on her post-marriage, while keeping all the expectations.

It’s a very tough spot to be in OP!
Also, finer things don’t have to cost in the hundreds. Actual European brands can be cheaper. The reason why many things in Zara etc are recommended is because they are still well-made, which cannot be said about the stuff in frum stores.