S/O Sons vs. daughters at Seder

amother

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 2:53 pm

Someone wrote on the thread about financial support:

Quote:

Throw the tomatoes but a son being at his father's seder is different to a girl being at her father's seder.

I am intrigued and curious about this statement. Can anyone explain?

lamplighter

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 2:58 pm

I said that statement. It's not halacha or anything it's just my feelings. Men run the seders, the minhagim follow the father's, a son being at his father's side at a seder has a different vhiggaddita lbincha vibe, then being at his FIL.
That doesn't mean it has to be this way exclusively but it is different.

amother

Calendula

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 3:02 pm

lamplighter wrote:

I 100% agree and it pains me that my MIL doesn't see it this way. She feels bad for her daughters to have to make pesach, so she is more likely to invite them for first days so that they don't have to make a seder or walk home with the kids late at night. The sons get invited less often cuz "let them [the dils] go to their mothers". At the point where we had been married 8 years, we'd only been their twice for first days. Finally I plucked up the courage and called MIL telling her that DH is bothered about it and wants to be present at his father's seder. He wants to learn the nusach of reciting the hagadda and learn specific minhagim (as a bachur he didn't much pay attention). The next year we got invited Smile

Since then, nada. We mostly make sedarim at home but every two-three years we'll go to my parents. It is what it is.

amother

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 3:18 pm

lamplighter wrote:

But fathers have equal chiyuvim of "vihigadita livincha" to their sons and their daughters. It's not the sil at his fil's seder, it's a daughter at her father's!

amother

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 3:19 pm

amother Holly wrote:

Well, not that I necessarily agree with it, but I would imagine the reasoning is for the son to learn and carry on his family's traditions when he eventually leads his own Seder.

Does this need to be accomplished by the son going to his father every year for the seder though?

(And are we the only family that has blended traditions from both of us at our seder? I doubt it, because both my father and my fil have traditions that they inherited from their own fils.)

mommyhood

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 4:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

We’ve blended things but not actual minhagim more ways of entertaining kids and keeping people involved, things moving. I definitely don’t think a son has to go exclusively to his fathers Seder but I know we gained a lot from seeing my in laws Seder together. I was able to pick up on things and ask questions that dh would have thought to tell me had I never been.

amother

DarkPurple

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 4:57 pm

amother Pistachio wrote:

Does anyone have a source that this applies to a married child?
Definitely once you have children it's a Chiyuv for you to tell your children.

Do you have a source that it *doesn't* apply to a married child?

amother

Glitter

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 5:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

We make our own seder but do it like my parents seder not my in laws.
My husband didn't care for his parents seder and I love mine. Also we only went once to in laws for first days our whole marriage. (15 years)

Chayalle

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 5:30 pm

The Seder is about Sippur Yetzias Mitzrayim most of all. And that can be accomplished with daughters. Our daughters sit at the Seder and DH transmits the story to them. They are very important to us (and we will miss our married daughter very much, but there are chances it works out for them to go to her in-laws. And we don't interfere with that.)

amother

Outerspace

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 5:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

I would think not as every married man is now the father and his children are the ones who need to be taught by him.

While he was under his father's roof, it was absolutely necessary. I don't think it applies once you have moved out and have a family of your own. I think parents can invite their sons or daughters at that point.

Ema of 5

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 5:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

We went to my in laws and my parents for many years. My husband wanted to be with his parents for simchas Torah, so we would go to my parents for the first days of succos and his for the second days, and then switch for Pesach. Once we started staying home, my parents started coming to us. (Until then, once they were no longer staying home, they had switched off with my other siblings who were in their own homes for Pesach) My husband and my father led together, and many of my family’s minhaggim have just naturally slipped in.