Could have gone on a Pesach Program

amother

Mintcream

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 11:51 am

amother Dahlia wrote:

Huh? She has to help, because it's basic derech eretz & mentchlichkeit! Nothing to do with kibbud av.

OP made it sound like her in laws do nothing and insist that she come to them to act as the hired help. That’s not a requirement for anyone. OP shouldn’t be doing nothing either. There’s plenty of work for everyone on Pesach.

Honestly I’m not sure if op is entitled or the in laws are entitled or both, but if her in laws really do expect her to make Pesach for them then they’d better have a conversation

chestnut

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 11:53 am

amother Mintcream wrote:

That's exactly what OP said, put her foot down and not help.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 11:56 am

amother OP wrote:

Hi,
I married a different background which didn’t bother me except when it comes to Pesach! My family goes on 5star programs and my in laws spend Pesach stuffed into a small apartment and eating very minimally. I always thought my in laws would understand but this year they put their foot down and we have to be with them for yuntif. I am nervous I am going to have to work, cook, clean… because my in laws are very helpless. They don’t really know how to take initiative and I know my sister in law tends to do a lot. I am just super frustrated because my family will be relaxing and eating lamb chops while I am peeling potatoes. And we are also super stressed if they will offer breakfast/lunch or we will have to eat out all those meals while still being there. I know I have a bad attitude about this but is it wrong if I put my foot down and not be helpful? I don’t really understand why we aren’t getting catering or going on a program because they can afford it they just don’t like to spend. It would be fine if they took care of things but it will end up being me and my sister in law.

I dont understand, you were invited and they insisted you come.
You are a guest. Not hired help.
Were you told or asked to bring food? (if so, buy out).
Were you given a list of things to bring?
You dont have to do anything you dont want to do. Its not like you begged them to come or pushed yourself.

You should be helpful when you are there, thats just basic menchlechkeit. But that doesnt mean you were invited to make their Yuntif meals. I dont see where you are being asked to peel the potatoes.

If you are coming from out of town and staying with them then its assumed that meals are with them. If you are local then you may want to basically kasher your kitchen.
If you have any dietary requirements, allergies etc you should def tell them.

If I may - its not yours to question why they dont get catering or go to a program.

LeShana HaBa'ah, bnei Chorin!!

amother

Mintgreen

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 11:59 am

amother OP wrote:

I don’t really understand why we aren’t getting catering or going on a program because they can afford it they just don’t like to spend.

This here is what's wrong with OP's attitude.
Look, I actually get her a bit. DH's family is pretty dysfunctional too and most work falls on his one sister. When we come I'm expected to help with the serving/cleaning/prep....
They have money but are pretty miserly.
Still, I would never have this attitude. I knew all this when I got married and I know they have a right to see their married children and grankids once or twice a year. Uncomfortable? Very much. I do it for DH and I'm glad I can make him happy like that. Sometimes that's hat marriage is about. And like I said, it's once or twice a year. I survive.
I'll be getting off my soapbox now. You're welcome!

amother

Gray

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 12:00 pm

Im so curious what kind of reaction you were expecting from us?
Can you reframe it in your mind, I am so fortunate to have parents who have so much money that I get to go away most years without lifting a finger. I am a perfectly normal person and I can manage on the off years to help out and peel potatoes. It is so nice to spend time with family especially inlaws who want us to come so badly.

amother

Outerspace

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 12:01 pm

No need to be so nasty to OP.

I grew up eating very minimal ingredients on pesach. If I hadn’t and I needed to go to my in-laws for pesach one year who did it would be hard.

Imagine every year since you were little you went to a pesach program where you ate klp food that pretty much is the same menu as all year round. And then one year for 8 days you needed to for the first time in your life eat minimal ingredients. Especially if OP is pregnant it can be really hard on the stomach.

Moving into in-laws is emotionally hard as is. Add a small space and food you are not used to the the equation.

My only advice for OP is be mentally prepared that it will be different than usual and likely a lot harder. You are not going because it is a nice pesach experience. You are going because this is where your husband grew up. It is special for him to show you how he grew up and his what family values.
You don’t have to want to raise your family like that, but try to see the beauty in it. After all this is the lifestyle that shaped your husband and influenced who he is.

Also, to make yourself more comfortable plan fun things to do just with your husband on chol hamoed. That’s how you can get out of the house and enjoy the time together.

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 12:04 pm

Okay. Here’s my workaround for you. Go to shul and meet all the people from the neighborhood. Find someone to be friendly with. Ask if you can stay in their guest room because your in law’s place is too small. (This step might not work for this round, but could work in the future).

Buy lots of Pesach food. Eat it in your room or outside. Hide it in your suitcase in a cooler bag? That way you won’t be starving at your in laws and subsisting on potatoes. (Bonus if your host family offers to have you for a meal).

Make sure you are always full and never cranky. Bring lots of books and magazines, iced coffee, chocolate and anything else you enjoy. Just because your in laws are broke, stingy and have peculiar minhagim, doesn’t mean you need to jump on the bandwagon. Sincerely, been there (ish) and done that.

mom37

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 12:11 pm

It can be really disappointing to not be where we would ideally like to be for the chagim.
Nobody can force you into a decision like this but since it is so close to Pesach and this is the decision you and your husband have made I suggest you go in with as positive an attitude as possible. Try and think of it as a mitzvah opportunity to help your in laws.
I guarantee if you go in with this attitude it will increase everyone’s simcha over YT.
Next year you can re-evaluate where you would like to be for Pesach.

chestnut

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 12:12 pm

amother Chocolate wrote:

All this besides finding a place to stay. When she goes to shul on Yom tov and finds someone, Yom tov might be over soon lol. Renting an Airbnb might be a better idea if they indeed live in a small apartment.

amother

DarkYellow

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 12:19 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

How did you know this before you got married? I had no clue then when I came for the one Shabbos engaged most of the cooking and other work was done by the children/children in law or my mil's friends and that would be the expectation for coming for yontif. Dh did not tell me that he did almost all the Pesach cleaning and that he'd be expected to go to his parents to do that after we got married. It was pretty shocking to me and had I been used to a luxurious and relaxing Pesach like OP it would have been way harder. I came from a home where I was at least used to some level of helping clean and cook.

amother

Mintgreen

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 12:35 pm

amother DarkYellow wrote:

DH didn't keep his family situation a secret, I knew about it before we met.
I'm also coming from a family that doesn't do luxurious Pesachs, but even if they would have done it I think it's a sign of maturity to understand that different families do things differently. This is Op's husband's family. she can't change the situation.
I grant her every right to vent, it's hard! But this vent had a very entitled self absorbed tone.

amother

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 12:37 pm

It’s the OP here and I guess I should have phrased things better. Bottom line is I am expected to do more work than my MIL. We are going because it is Kivud Av vEim but I am struggling with that mitzvah. It is frustrating because we are only doing this to honor my in Laws but my in laws don’t work hard they just delegate. They expect my husband to work very hard, for example right after I gave birth they booked a hotel for Shabbos without asking us and we had to host them for Shabbos. I couldn’t turn them away once they were in our city.

It is frustrating because we spend plenty of time with them, it isn’t like they never see my baby. But now we will be looking at pics of my family relaxing and having fun while we are slaving away. I guess I will take the mussar and try to refocus to allowing the opportunity for my baby to spend time with cousins. I just wish we had a different situation or it would be socially acceptable for us to say we need to be provided food if we’re by you or we will not work harder than you.