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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Pesach
Could have gone on a Pesach Program
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amother
Mintcream


 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 9:46 am
amother OP wrote:
It’s the OP here and I guess I should have phrased things better. Bottom line is I am expected to do more work than my MIL. We are going because it is Kivud Av vEim but I am struggling with that mitzvah. It is frustrating because we are only doing this to honor my in Laws but my in laws don’t work hard they just delegate. They expect my husband to work very hard, for example right after I gave birth they booked a hotel for Shabbos without asking us and we had to host them for Shabbos. I couldn’t turn them away once they were in our city.

It is frustrating because we spend plenty of time with them, it isn’t like they never see my baby. But now we will be looking at pics of my family relaxing and having fun while we are slaving away. I guess I will take the mussar and try to refocus to allowing the opportunity for my baby to spend time with cousins. I just wish we had a different situation or it would be socially acceptable for us to say we need to be provided food if we’re by you or we will not work harder than you.

That’s the understanding I got from your op. Really not ok for them to expect you to come and then delegate the work to you. The host needs to do the bulk of the work.

If it were me I’d tell dh they are his parents and he needs to roll up his sleeves, you will only help a limited amount. At the end of the day you do not have the mitzvah of kibud av, only your dh does.

You’re not spoiled for expecting your host to actually host you. If you begged for the invite it would be different but that’s not the case.
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amother
Moonstone


 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 9:51 am
I am not newlywed and by far not entitled and have been making lovely and joyful Pesachs for a few years at this point but I still understand OP.
She could be having a wonderful and refreshing pesach the way she is accustomed to having it and instead she will be having a pesach that is very far from her comfort zone. Kibud av does not mean whoever stomps feet harder gets their way. There are plenty ways to respect them and still have a nice YT.
I am familiar with families like your inlaws, my family is actually like that and worse which is why I no longer go and make pesach at home every year. I am sure if I posted a similar op just switch Pesach program with staying home I would get very different responses....
At this point seem like the plans have been set so use the suggestions above to make sure you make the best of it, but going forward you and DH are boss of your plans and nobody's foot gets to come down on them.
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Cookin4days




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 9:54 am
So go this year do your best to be your best self, have a conversation with your husband next year and say you want to go on a program with your family. No one can demand you go anywhere
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amother
Peach


 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 9:55 am
chestnut wrote:
But do you think a 22 y old who has gone to pesach programs her whole life would know?


Know enough to know they don’t want to know anymore!
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SuperWify




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 9:56 am
amother OP wrote:
It’s the OP here and I guess I should have phrased things better. Bottom line is I am expected to do more work than my MIL. We are going because it is Kivud Av vEim but I am struggling with that mitzvah. It is frustrating because we are only doing this to honor my in Laws but my in laws don’t work hard they just delegate. They expect my husband to work very hard, for example right after I gave birth they booked a hotel for Shabbos without asking us and we had to host them for Shabbos. I couldn’t turn them away once they were in our city.

It is frustrating because we spend plenty of time with them, it isn’t like they never see my baby. But now we will be looking at pics of my family relaxing and having fun while we are slaving away. I guess I will take the mussar and try to refocus to allowing the opportunity for my baby to spend time with cousins. I just wish we had a different situation or it would be socially acceptable for us to say we need to be provided food if we’re by you or we will not work harder than you.


That’s hard Sad
Can you split half the time? You can fly out chol hamoed if you need to.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 10:03 am
You add allowed to set boundaries and be clear about what you can and cannot do. You are allowed to decide you don’t do pesach together going forward. I wouldn’t phrase it as a program vs not program option but about what works better for your family. You can prioritize other times to spend together that are less stressful
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B'Syata D'Shmya




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 10:07 am
amother Mintcream wrote:
That’s the understanding I got from your op. Really not ok for them to expect you to come and then delegate the work to you. The host needs to do the bulk of the work.

If it were me I’d tell dh they are his parents and he needs to roll up his sleeves, you will only help a limited amount. At the end of the day you do not have the mitzvah of kibud av, only your dh does.

You’re not spoiled for expecting your host to actually host you. If you begged for the invite it would be different but that’s not the case.


Im actually agreeing with some of this, OP, they dont get to invite you and then demand you work. They cant force you to peel potatoes, You really dont have to do anything you dont want to do.
Its passive aggressive to invite (OP used the word "insist") and then send her to work in the kitchen. Its not obvious nor should it be.
If OP doesnt want to work hard, she shouldnt have to!
If dh wants to work, he can.
Host needs to provide - whether they peel it themselves, buy or get from neighbors - is not OPs worry.
If MIL demands you make the potato kugel, call dh and have him do it. Say you are not up to cooking today.
If your SIL does the work, thats her cheshbon.

Heres where I disagree with Mintcream:
The mitzvah of Kibud Horim for dh's parents also falls on OP. However that doesnt mean OP has to peel the potatoes, work in the kitchen or whatever. That is not part of Kibud Horim. Kibud Horim is talking nicely to them, being respectful etc.
If OP erupts from the pressure, she has ruined any Kibud Horim, so better she do all she can to keep her cool and good mood.
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amother
Buttercup


 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 10:19 am
chestnut wrote:
(And sorry, grammar police can't resist - Could have GONE to a pesach program)



At least she didn't write "could of"
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amother
Rose


 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 10:28 am
I do not get any responses.
I make Pesach myself every year in my tiny apartment so I get the work involved.
But can't any of you understand OP?
She is used to a luxurious Pesach and she wants to go! Her in laws do not seem to be generous hosts by any stretch of the imagination (so don't think of going to YOUR in laws where you stay in an extra bedroom and hang around the living room and 80% of the work involved is done by your mil!)
They live in an apartment- not sure how OP is squishing in. Either way a 3 bedroom apartment is way smaller and squishier than a 3 bedroom house so you can't compare...

Of course it's hard for OP! She sounds like she's going anyways (I'm still unsure why you don't have a choice), but I would ask MIL for a list of tasks she'd like done the next day every night and then tell her which ones are feasible for you.

Hope you have good Yom Tov!
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 10:29 am
Thank you for better understanding situation. I know in the past if the kids aren’t around they will go on pesach program. So it is very clearly they don’t want to work. The problem is both me and my husband love spending time by my family and have a hard time by his. It’s just difficult to navigate as a young couple how to say no we wont come in future it was too difficult for us.
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 10:30 am
amother OP wrote:
Hi,
I married a different background which didn’t bother me except when it comes to Pesach! My family goes on 5star programs and my in laws spend Pesach stuffed into a small apartment and eating very minimally. I always thought my in laws would understand but this year they put their foot down and we have to be with them for yuntif. I am nervous I am going to have to work, cook, clean… because my in laws are very helpless. They don’t really know how to take initiative and I know my sister in law tends to do a lot. I am just super frustrated because my family will be relaxing and eating lamb chops while I am peeling potatoes. And we are also super stressed if they will offer breakfast/lunch or we will have to eat out all those meals while still being there. I know I have a bad attitude about this but is it wrong if I put my foot down and not be helpful? I don’t really understand why we aren’t getting catering or going on a program because they can afford it they just don’t like to spend. It would be fine if they took care of things but it will end up being me and my sister in law.

OP, you said twice "put their/my foot down". What does that mean to you? How can your in-laws require you to be with them? I'm getting a feeling from this that it does not mean to you what it means to me.
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SuperWify




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 10:32 am
amother Rose wrote:
I do not get any responses.
I make Pesach myself every year in my tiny apartment so I get the work involved.
But can't any of you understand OP?
She is used to a luxurious Pesach and she wants to go! Her in laws do not seem to be generous hosts by any stretch of the imagination (so don't think of going to YOUR in laws where you stay in an extra bedroom and hang around the living room and 80% of the work involved is done by your mil!)
They live in an apartment- not sure how OP is squishing in. Either way a 3 bedroom apartment is way smaller and squishier than a 3 bedroom house so you can't compare...

Of course it's hard for OP! She sounds like she's going anyways (I'm still unsure why you don't have a choice), but I would ask MIL for a list of tasks she'd like done the next day every night and then tell her which ones are feasible for you.

Hope you have good Yom Tov!


Literally. Poor girl.

I’d also be very upset if I was unwillingly forced into uncomfortable small accommodations and meant to do all the work for my in-laws, while I was family was wined and dined by the pool in Mexico or the Bahamas.
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amother
Birch


 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 10:32 am
So with such a great disparity between the two situations, I think in the future you should not split things so extremely. Dh and his immediate family will want a seder or yt together here & there. Also good for your children.

So make the best of it this time. But in the future plan more strategically. Because if you only go for first days or last days it will be much more manageable in tight quarters & give you time to enjoy your sides luxurious pesach too.

As far as helping, mentschlach & consider it a workout, bonding time with sil. They still are the family of your husband & children and remind yourself that you do it for dh and kids.
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 10:34 am
amother Dahlia wrote:
I think this is what happens when one is used to going to hotels for pesach & never being home. They don't know what it means to make pesach & that there's a ton of work involved.


I don’t think it reflects badly on the OP. It seems like she is aware of the work and wants to opt out of the whole experience.

My question is are the in-laws very well off and can afford the hotels, but choose not to?
Or how exactly is it supposed to work?
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amother
Dahlia


 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 10:41 am
imaima wrote:
I don’t think it reflects badly on the OP. It seems like she is aware of the work and wants to opt out of the whole experience.

My question is are the in-laws very well off and can afford the hotels, but choose not to?
Or how exactly is it supposed to work?


It's not a must to go to a hotel. Just because someone can afford to go to a hotel, doesn't mean that they have to go!
There's nothing wrong with being home for pesach.
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SuperWify




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 10:44 am
amother Dahlia wrote:
It's not a must to go to a hotel. Just because someone can afford to go to a hotel, doesn't mean that they have to go!
There's nothing wrong with being home for pesach.


No, but putting all the work on your children isn’t either fair. If they can afford it they should hire help maybe… or order at least some food ect.
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amother
Arcticblue


 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 10:44 am
If your DH likes spending time with your parents why cant you just go? Who cares what your in laws think? Go for a shabbos dont spend pesach with them it sounds miserable
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notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 11:02 am
Personally I would say to bad to your inlaws and go a different time. If I had a choice of an enjoyable 5 star vacation or a cramped hard working yom tov, I don’t think I would be selfless enough to choose the one I didn’t enjoy. You do what is best for you and your marriage
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amother
Steel


 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 11:12 am
OP, what does your husband want to do? He wants to go to his parents even if it means much more work for him?

If you're both on the same page, you can just spend every Pesach with your parents and go to your in-laws some other time, for Shabbos.

You do not have to switch back and forth every year.
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Tue, Apr 16 2024, 11:17 am
This thread literally left me feeling sick. Beginning with the heading - could have went Twisted Evil - and then the actual post which was just beyond. It’s either Pesach parody and I’m too tired to realize it or I accidentally dropped in on the young imamothers of planet Z in a distant galaxy far from human intelligence. Thank you for helping decide I’m much happier getting back to what I was supposed to be doing. Wishing everyone a nice chag.
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