123 Magic parenting method- feeling guilty

amother

Lemonchiffon

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 12:30 pm

My husband and I use this method and we really like it. We really attribute alot of the calm/ happy atmosphere to having a consistent method to deal with our kids.

I had a course in seminary where the teacher taught different parenting methods/ styles. She taught 123 magic and expanded on it. She explained it as a way to give so much love/ positivity/ hugs/ eye contact when interacting with your children in general.

However, when they misbehave- you don’t want to give any of those (ie screaming/ looking them in the eye strictly/ physically potch etc) so instead you minimize eye contact/ emotional intensity and calmly say “that’s 1”, “that’s 2” and then “that’s 3- please go to timeout”. It gives a framework to not lose yourself in the moment- to have the consistency in what happens/ what can be expected.

This way they crave more of the positive attention: love/ emotional intensity and will be drawn to that and behave (instead of acting out to get their parents attention on some level).

Once, my teacher brought her daughter to school and as she was teaching, her daughter came up to her and was kvetching about something. We all saw how she whispered “that’s one” and the girl completely stopped.

Important to note, that 123 magic is generally used as a method for STOP bahaviors - like for hurting/ or doing something wrong that you want them to stop. For Start behaviors (if you want them to do something) you can motivate them in any other other way.

With my children, the training time was the hardest. Like when they were 3 or 4 and kept testing and testing. It can be hard to be consistent and keep doing it, but it really pays off in the end. It minimizes those negative behaviors and you end up having happy, loving moments instead.

(With older kids you can at times change the timeout to losing a privilege or a treat, if needed. But it’s a lot less often BH).

amother

Papaya

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 12:38 pm

I always built in independence and ownership to chinuch because we are a strong willed independent type personality bunch. Built in lots of minor options and opportunities to choose the unimportant as well as sequencing.

Lets get ready to read a story together, Which pajamas do you want to wear tonight? The pink or the purple and then I can't wait to read bedtime story, which book should we choose? Do you want to brush your teeth first or after pajamas?

I too don't care for constant obey or consequence dynamic.

amother

Lemonchiffon

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 12:56 pm

amother Papaya wrote:

This is great and choices definitely empower kids.

I edited to add to my comment above that 123 magic is only used for stop behaviors (such as hurting/ fighting etc), not start behaviors.

I’d love to hear what your approach is to when kids are fighting etc.

amother

Raspberry

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 5:52 am

amother Lemonchiffon wrote:

Yeah, I was thinking about this on Shabbos as I got my little kids in PJs and tried to get big ones to put on PJs themselves. It does sound somewhat creepy and robot-like to tell a kid to get in PJs and if they don't listen by 3 to send them to time out. For that I take the kid if they're little or take away what they're doing (book/toy) if they're bigger and I feel like I've waited or told them enough times. But to stop bad behaviors it seems totally reasonable to me.

amother

Freesia

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 6:52 am

If you allow your child to make the rules at this age, she will soon control your home.
Hashem created the world with the reward and punishment system, it's how the world works. If you teach it to her in a gentle kind way that's best. But if you don't teach her the hard concepts of living with consequences of our actions (good and bad) the world will teach it to her (in school etc) and that is much less pleasant way to learn.

Iymnok

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 7:10 am

amother Raspberry wrote:

That would be using STOP tools for START behavior.
1-2-3 magic works well to train a child to stop doing behavior you don't like. (Hitting, screaming, badgering, teasing...)
The second half of the book deals with START behavior. (Get in PJs, eat your dinner, clean up...). There is no counting involved with that.

amother

Raspberry

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 7:16 am

Iymnok wrote:

Ah okay, that makes more sense. OP at first said she was using the method mostly to get her dd to stop doing things and felt guilty when it worked bc dd was afraid to get a time out. But then she said, "My goal isn't to teach her to listen. It is to show her that sometimes we have to do things even we don't want to- like going to the bathroom before we get in the car or going to sleep." So I got confused. I don't actually know the method.

amother

Starflower

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 7:39 am

I think there are lots of parenting books some better then others some work better for some families/ kids. Most people I think end up taking what works for them from each book and developing their own style.
But what about a parenting course? I find it much more helpful than any book because you can ask questions, clarify, discuss how to apply..

amother

Cyan

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 8:08 am

amother Firethorn wrote:

I think it really depends on the kid an their issues.

If your 4.5 is neurotypical, they should generally respond to fun, play, natural consequences, connection. "Let's get pajamas and then I'll read you a story!" "Let's make a race to see who can get dressed faster!" "Come put your plate in the sink and I'll take down the markers so you can color!"

If there are some issues, like they are unusually defiant or oppositional, this may be from the more benign methods out there.

In general, I try not to view "listening to parents" as a goal unto itself. I think of what they need to be doing and figure out how to get them to do it, without getting into the whole obedience thing.

So, yeah that works 90% of the time. But all children I know have the other 10% of the time as well. What do you do then?

amother

Gardenia

Wed, May 01 2024, 6:12 am

We love 123 Magic! Have been using since my oldest was around 2 or 3. It works very well, most of the time we just have to say that's 1 and occasionally that's 2 and she stops. We rarely get to that's 3 with a timeout or other consequence. Oldest is 11 now, she is a very good kid and now requires very little discipline (and she isn't neurotypical either, she has ADHD, so this isn't a given). The method is great, no yelling, no hitting, no lectures (my family hate when I lecture on why they should or shouldn't do something, even if I do it totally calmly).

As for your guilt - sometimes that is your gut saying this is the wrong method for your family. Sometimes it is guilt from our own underlying issues. You may have to pinpoint and separate what the guilt is about in order to understand whether it is right for you to continue with this method. Parents often feel guilt when disciplining their kids ,it is normal - we love them and don't want to make them feel bad.l It would be more abnormal if you punished your kids and felt happy about it. The question is whether the guilt is related to your own issues or if it is your gut telling you it is having a bad effect. Feeling guilty does not automatically mean we are doing something wrong, it is our mind's way of telling us to double check what we are doing.