Having a hard time with my daughter

amother

OP ↓

Sat, May 18 2024, 10:03 pm

My almost 13 year old is so needy it's draining me. She probably has ADHD and literally does not stop talking, asking for things and commenting on everyone and everything.
Everything that I do or anyone in our family does she reacts with negativity and attitude. She still has meltdowns. Whatever I do is never enough and always not normal.
She is really unpleasant to be around, I feel terrible to say this but every motz shabbos I feel completely depleted from being around her so much.
She has been to therapy on and off but doesn't want to go back.
I tried to get her to go hang out with friends but none of her friends live in our neighborhood. She's mean to her siblings , chutzpadik, and is the constant victim in her mind.
She has so much going for her, she has so much good in her life, she gets tons of attention and special things but she is just always miserable and intent on making everyone else miserable too.

I'm not sure how to handle this, I thought between therapy and growing up it would get better. Its not and I know that I'm pulling back from her. I don't know what to do, I'm human too.

imasinger

Sun, May 19 2024, 6:48 am

Part of this may be related to her possible diagnosis, and part may be related to her age. A lot of teens are moody and resentful. It can get better.

Here are a few practical thoughts that might help. I'm sure that not all can work, but perhaps even one or two might help.

- If she's acting moody and miserable, she's probably feeling moody and miserable. Keep in the back of your mind that no matter how rotten she's making your life, her own is probably worse. You couldn't pay me enough to go through early teens again, not for anything.

- Get an evaluation and diagnosis. If she has ADHD, medication can be a help. If there's something else going on, she's old enough to begin to understand herself, and that might help her agree to therapy or at least reading and learning more about how others deal with life.

- Be proactive. Work with her to make a Shabbos plan every week. Have her sit with you to make a list of activities that she can refer to on Shabbos. It's important that she do that with you, rather than you telling her things. After Shabbos, have her rate the choices on the list in order of preference, that helps her move away from thinking they're all equally terrible. Help her get to the library, save some special game time for her choice but only if she is kind to her siblings for a time (which you will start small and gradually work to increase), etc.

- Invite one or more of her friends to sleep over and spend Shabbos with you.

- Put a huge effort into looking for the positive that she says or does, particularly with siblings, and giving it enthusiastic positive attention.

- Set aside daily time for undivided attention, making sure it's Nurtured Heart style, and not compromised in some way.

- I agree with amother Green above me -- parenting class or coaching can be very helpful, both in a practical sense, and to help you know you are far from alone.

- Find out how she is in school, and what she enjoys doing when she's there. If there's a special interest you can support, it can sometimes help to avert a bad mood or meltdown if you ask specific, interested questions about an area in which she has some knowledge or expertise.

Hang in there!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, May 19 2024, 8:52 am

This has been going on for years now and I've tried so many things, including medication and therapy and coaching for me. I have validated her and praised her and given her special time and special privileges, I quite frankly am just drained.
I don't see any improvement and at this point she has stopped taking medicine (which wasn't helping much and the side effects were making other things worse) and she stopped therapy. She had been to a few different ones and she's just not interested anymore.
I can be more proactive about helping her figure out shabbos plans each week. She isn't looking for plans, I just know that she needs them. She's perfectly ok shadowing me and whining all day.

amother

Apple

Sun, May 19 2024, 9:57 am

No two kids are alike but I also have a difficult teen and it doesn't get easier it only gets harder as they become older.

What has been helpful for me is keeping these principles in mind:

Safety, I will keep myself safe from you. I will keep my distance is necessary and not antagonize you

I will validate and listen to your point of view

It won't make me change my mind. You can't manipulate me.

I will remain calm and loving but I won't feel terrible for you so that I become so enmeshed that I can't be effective anymore.

These are books I would recommend:
The uncontrollable child
Parenting a teen who has intense emotions

amother

Snapdragon

Mon, May 20 2024, 12:00 am

Sod Haadam.
The class runs from after succos to june and is about 7-800 dollars.

I am speaking as a mother of a girl who is shidduch age. She is not at all ready to start dating. She did not outgrow the hole in her heart that I tried to fill with my own limited capabilities. She sounds similar to your daughter. I also tried therpay at 9, 12 and again during high school with no results.
I am only doing sod haadam now, but the chochma I see makes so much sense. And I am slowly seeing improvements.
The best part for me is that there is no blame laid on us mothers, if anything so much hand holding, support and encouragement.

Rabbi Russel's book : Raising a Loving Family is helpful as well.

Hatzlacha!