How to cope with my difficult baby and my shortcomings

imamama

Tue, Aug 18 2009, 4:26 pm

For me, co-sleeping is a life saver. I have my baby in bed with me. She's 9 mo, and still wakes up pretty regularly at night, but all I have to do is roll over and pop a boob in her mouth. LOL

I just go right back to sleep once she's latched on.

I did the same with my DS. I started putting him in his own bed when he was a little less than a year old, and BH he's been sleeping through the night for a long long time now, bli ayin hara (watch him wake up tonight LOL

).

I agree with Seraph about wearing your baby, too. You can have both hands free, and the baby is happy that she's being "held."

And don't worry. It gets a little easier as they develop. She'll be able to entertain herself a little better once she can crawl. She'll be able to communicate what she wants when she has a few words.

(Just an aside: When my first kid was born, I really missed having time to read. I'm an avid reader. I would go through a book a week, and it was very distressing to me that I was no longer able to find the time. Sometimes when he was kvetchy and tired, and I knew I wouldn't be able to get anything done anyway, I would stick him in the wrap, and read to him from whatever book I was in middle of, while rocking or bouncing. It quieted him down, and I enjoyed it, too. If he wanted my attention, but I need to cook, or something, I would put him down near me in his high chair or stroller, and give him a very animated blow-by-blow description, with a lot of eye contact and visual aids, of what I was doing. "Now Mama is breaking an egg. Look at that! See? There's a little yellow bally in the glass cup. Do you see any red spots? I don't! Now Mama's gonna pour it in the bowl. Oh! There it goes! Now Mama's gonna take this fork, and mix it aaaaalll up. Mixmixmixmixmix." I know I sounded like a basket case, but he liked it. My point is you may be able to get things done by "including" her in what you're doing.)

Nomad

Tue, Aug 18 2009, 4:36 pm

op,

I totally sympathize. when my ds was also 5 mo old, the lack of sleep I think hit me and I really felt myself starting to lose it

things that helped:

1) Someone gave us a swing as a present and it was a LIFESAVER. ds took all his naps in the swing which helped put him on a normal schedule. I even know someone who had her baby sleep all night in the swing since that was the only way the baby slept!

2) We got a bouncer which was a great way of lugging him around the house while keeping him comfy and entertained and you can bounce it with your foot at the same time while your sitting and doing something else

3) Wearing the baby was super helpful for getting stuff done around the house while keeping baby happy

4) We moved ds into his own room around that time. He slept SO much better than in our room. I realized that he mustve been waking up from every little noise in our room

good luck! u sound like a great mommy. also, last thing - if u really feel like you are about to snap, put the baby down in a safe place and walk away. put on earplugs and take some time to calm down. the baby will be fine. when babies cry a lot sometimes mommies need a breather too.

JollyMommy

Tue, Aug 18 2009, 5:30 pm

you need places/things to plop and put the baby, I have a toddler and newborn B"H and here's some stuff I do when he cries:

put him in a swing (best is fisher price papysan style, the new one has sheep on it)

put him in a bouncer seat next to the washing machine/dryer or dishwasher-- he loves the noise

rock him, jiggle him around

put him on his belly with a pacifier on a soft blanket on the floor-- only when I am watching him in the same room

I also follow the advice of baby whisperer only the part where he eats, gets changed, does something else, goes to sleep. so he eats every 2-3 hours.

the 2 books I would read are Happiest Baby on the Block and Baby Whisperer-- I don't use e/t from either, but it gave me a lot of ideas.

sometimes, no matter what you do they will cry for an hour or more. this is normal I think and just sing yourself a little song like "this will end soon, you will not cry forever, tatty will come home soon and help me lalalala" so you don't freak out.

also-- tips for dinner that have helped me:
in the beginning of the week make a lot of chicken, a big vegetable soup, and a big bowl of pasta. this way you can serve:
chicken and soup
pasta with sauce or pasta with cheese if you have pareve pot for pasta
soup with pasta in it
pasta with chicken
and get through 4 nights of dinner. if you really have time serve a salad on some nights too.

I also make mac and cheese for my toddler in the beg of the week.

for laundry, put the baby next to washer in bouncer, same if you have dishwasher-- they love it.

I do have a caveat though- I have a housekeeper 3x a week so I am not cleaning all day which really helps. if you can get someone even 1x a week you will be a lot happier. I had no help at all when I had my first and I see the diff.

stem

Tue, Aug 18 2009, 7:33 pm

I have 2 things to say:

1) All those other mothers at the park are not necessarily happier or doing any better than you. They may look like it, but you never know what's going on in someone elses home. Don't feel like you're the only mother who is finding it hard to cope. It's totally untrue. Someone once told me that with a newborn (and I consider any baby who doesn't sleep at night like a newborn) you are doing as well as you look. So even if you're dead tired and frustrated, put on some makeup, a smile on your face, and pretend you are just wonderful. I'll bet all the other mothers at the park will wonder how you do it.

2) I've seen from my own and others experiences that many of the most difficult babies turn out to be the most easy going, helpful and listening toddlers and children. In fact, the babies that are the easiest in terms of predictability and scheduling are often much more difficult when they grow up and have to learn that things aren't always so predictable and life isn't always what they expect it to be. My third was my hardest baby and acted almost exactly the way you describe your baby plus more. I really thought I was in for a lifetime of difficulty with him, but now he's a toddler and he's BY FAR my easiest, most compliant, warm and cuddly child, he eats a sleeps better than my older two put together at this point.

sporty

Tue, Aug 18 2009, 9:29 pm

Op, I have not read through all the responses yet but I am excited to see what people had to tell you.

I just wanted to come here and tell you that you are not alone in having a "difficult" baby. I am awed that people have calm docile babies who can be taken anywhere and don't make a peep, who sleep through the night at an early age, who can be put down at home and entertain themselves while the mom leaves the room to do things in the kitchen (or even use the bathroom)...etc.

I love my baby girl more than anything in the world. I kiss her 1000x's in a day. I am sometimes floored that she is mine, that she came from me, I never ever knew that I could love someone as much as I love her. BUT she is FIESTY. I just came back from her 6 month checkup and we walked in and a lady smiled at her in the waiting room and it was all over. She burst in to tears, screamed throughout her entire checkup and it didn't end until I walked out the front door an hour later. As soon as I got outside she stopped. Her screams were loud and piercing. And she gets that way when I: go to a friend or family members house, when I go to the mall, when I eat out on Shabbos!!! I've tried the mall three times this summer with the same result: me pushing an empty stroller and carrying the baby (just like another amother who posted here). If I put her in the stroller she screamed her head off and I got stares from everyone I passed. The looks were "poor baby. what is wrong with the mother??" And in my sweaty flustered embarrassed way I am thinking why is my baby the only one screaming and all the others seem so happy and content?

And I am attempting the mall again tomorrow!!! I will keep trying because one day she wont hate it. She hates it there because there are strangers around and its loud. I spoke to my dr. about it today and it's who she is as a baby - she is a sensitive baby. But she is in her developmental stage right now and it's on me to shape her (what a responsibility!!)

My baby just started sleeping through the night. And it's not reeealllly there yet. She still on some nights wakes and cries and either me or DH has to go in and give a paci but for the most part she does not need to be taken out and no longer eats. Her sleeping longer stretches coincided with starting solids, it was that simple. I was told to let her cry it out a few months ago and it was too hard for me and DH, we are two softies and we could only get through half a night of letting her cry and then we stopped. So we suffered through sleepless nights and eventually she phased out waking up so often all by herself B"H. Because it coincided with her eating solids I believe her waking for bottles was not habit but it was hunger and I am glad we didn't deprive her in the end.

As far as naps....I realized a few months ago she had no set schedule and she was never willing to go in her crib to nap. It took one hour of her screaming in her crib and me standing there, giving the paci, taking her out, putting her back....and all it took was one day....and now every single morning she naps in her crib and usually goes w/o a peep. The naps range in time from 45 min to 3 hours!!!! Whatever she does I take. The afternoon is not as scheduled yet.

She loves walks outside....does your baby? I feel bad because it's been so hot so I havent been going out that much but if I would be willing to walk her in the stroller every day for an hour or two she'd be so happy.

Don't despair OP as you are not alone. I can write a book on having a difficult baby and how alone a mom can feel when she has one because it seems everyone else has easy babies!!! My siblings keep telling me how they saw a baby recently in a store, awake and quiet, just sitting there. Mine would never. Or how they were at a Shabbos meal and there was a little baby there just sitting on a mat quiet like you wouldnt know he was there. DH and I cant ever eat a meal at the same time on Shabbos!!! One of us eats, the other entertains the baby then we switch.

I spoke to my dr. all about this today and he told me just because she is like this now, doesnt mean as a toddler she will be the same and vise versa for the quiet well behaved babies!

Just this morning I was thinking about what it was like 6 months ago when I became a new mom. And you know what image entered my head? A black hole. It was so unknown. I learn as I go and feel clueless at every stage I enter. I didn't know it would be so hard.

Sorry for writing so much! You are not alone!!

sneakermom

Tue, Aug 18 2009, 9:41 pm

Is there a babysitter you could drop your baby off for two hours, every couple of days? This way you could use that time to sleep, shop or clean....or just clear your head. You need to make something like this a priority, tell yourself your doing it for you child so that she could have a normal mother. I know a woman with a very large family who used to do this all the time it was the secret to her sanity.

On the whole I usually feel it its important to be attuned and try to get an idea why the baby is crying and not to let a baby cry too much. But at the same time there are times when letting a baby cry is fine. Like if you are trying to get something done in the house and the baby is fed and changed and has been held you could settle her down in a swing or on the floor with toys and let her cry. Maybe after a while she will get the message that now it's alone time.

How do you handle crying....I know for me it is really hard I get crazy like I can't really think properly when a baby is crying in the background. I have learned to tune out more over the years and I think my baby's have become more independent because of it.

It does sound like your baby is having a hard time though. I wonder if you could give her massages, or soothing baths to calm down her little nervous system. And I agree with I forgot which but the one that mentioned the importance of structure, that really helps intense kids deal with life...at least it becomes predictable.

You sound like a really great and normal mom. Your child is blessed to have you as a parent....and remember this stage is disappearing as we speak. I find that at nine months the baby's are much easier already and at twelve months...little mentchies.

Toot

Tue, Aug 18 2009, 9:51 pm

First of all, this is a fantastic thread. All the advice is really excellent, thanks everyone!

I am one of those mothers who has a really mellow baby. She's 4 months now, and she has pretty much always slept long stretches as night, I take her everywhere with me, and she can entertain herself on her playmat or rocker a lot of the time. But I still empathize with the OP about the intense feelings of frustration and anger when she won't stop crying, or won't fall asleep. Sometime I scare myself at how quickly I go from patient to completely unnerved. But like everyone else said - I just have to remember that the crying will stop eventually, that she will fall asleep, and that she will grow out of this.

Also, my baby does not really like the stroller, I think she doesn't like being strapped in, and in this weather she also gets really hot. I am also constantly pushing an empty stroller and holding her, wondering why all the other babies stay in their strollers...

Oh, and my magic get-her-quiet trick? Holding her while bouncing on a yoga ball. That's how I often get her asleep for her naps (she's much better at falling asleep for the night than for naps during the day). It works every time!

Hatzlacha OP, and enjoy your princess!

amother

Tue, Aug 18 2009, 11:30 pm

My two cents worth -- every baby is different and you have to find what works for you and for your baby.

My dd was really, really challenging -- she didn't sleep at night for more than 2 hours until she was around 3, I think. She didn't nap longer than 20 min. until she was 9 months old. She is 10 now, and is still a VERY light sleeper. We tried EVERYTHING with her and the only thing that saved our sanity was co-sleeping, which we did AFTER trying various CIO methods (although, I must admit, I did not do the just let her cry all night version b/c I couldn't handle it and I was up anyway).

You couldn't put her down AT ALL until she was over 6 months and then it was only the exersaucer and only if it had cheerios on it and I was talking to her.

So, we wore her ALL the time. She didn't need to be entertained, but she needed a caregiver. When I was cooking or going somewhere, she went in the backpack, otherwise dh or I had her in a sling.

Let me tell you, after 4 years of being married with no child, to having a baby like this, my emotions were extremely conflicted. I *so* wanted this baby, but I didn't realize she'd be like *that*

Eventually, she mellowed out, and we got through her first year. I had twin boys 3 years later, and my husband joke (although it's true) that the two boys together were easier than dd. One of my boys was a mellow baby. You could literally set him down in bed after he'd been up for 2 hours and he'd just go to sleep. It was unbelievable.

That said -- try the backpack. If you don't have one, borrow one. Give your baby time to get used to it, but it will make you feel more "free" because other than showering, you can do just about anything with a baby in a pack. Also, dh used to be able to get a nap with the baby in the sling in a recliner chair. He would literally read to her and then he'd go to sleep and she'd somehow sleep with him -- didn't work for me though.

Also, have you or your doctor ruled out reflux? Many babies I know who were labeled "colicky" had some form of reflux. There are mild medications that can make a world of difference, if that is an issue.

Good luck, and just know that you're not alone and take lots of pictures, b/c someday I'YH when your baby is 10, you'll try and remember what it was like when she was a baby.

(btw - my very high maintenance baby is a WONDERFUL dd who helps a ton and is very sweet and well-adjusted even if she still doesn't sleep well)

amother

Tue, Aug 18 2009, 11:57 pm

OP Here,
To the amother just above this post:
I really appreciate what you wrote, especially one part, which really hit home for me. It took DH and I a long long time to conceive our baby, so I think that my feelings of frustrations make me feel extra guilty, because I think "How could I feel frustrated when I wanted this baby so badly for so long? How ungrateful am I being?". I try and realize that all parents have frustrations with babies, and just because we had to work so hard to conceive, doesn't make the frustrations any easier to deal with. But the rationalization doesn't always work and I often think that I feel so conflicted about my feelings!

I once read that mothers who experienced infertility and then became pregnant, are much much more likely to have post-partum depression because their expectations of motherhood were so high. I wonder if that plays into my feelings. I don't think so, but anything is possible.

Anyway, I truly truly appreciate everyone's feedback. It is so nice to know that there are others out there who know what I'm going through. It's also nice to know that not all of my children will necessarily be this way.

Thanks everyone. If anyone has anything else to add, I'm all ears!

amother

Wed, Aug 19 2009, 1:17 pm

I'm the amother who had IF issues and the difficult dd. I also did have diagnosed PPD after a subsequent birth. Then, I went back and realized that maybe a lot of the crying I did after dd was born were PPD related. PLEASE talk to your OB and just ask him/her what he thinks. Everyone has some sort of "baby blues," but sometimes they dont' go away. BH, my ppd was treated with limited therapy and meds, but it felt so good just to be happy again.

I also agree wholeheartedly with the poster who said that just because it took us a long time, doesn't mean it's not allowed to be hard, or we're not allowed to complain.

I remember specifically one time when dd was about 3 or 4 months old and I was nursing her and she was crying (while nursing -definitely a reflux symptom) and I was crying and I just kept saying "I have this wonderful baby that I wanted for so long, why is it SO hard, why am I not happy?" That should've been a HUGE clue, but I just waved it off and plugged through.

Good luck and many hugs.

leomom

Mon, Aug 24 2009, 3:40 am

My two cents, too! I'm surprised no one has mentioned this yet (unless I missed it)...

GAS. In my experience, at least 95% of the time one of my babies was fussy and crying (if the baby was not hungry, wet, or just plain old tired), he/she needed to BURP OR POOP. 8) That sums it all up. Burping and pooping. Baby needs to burp or poop, baby cries. Baby burps or poops... baby feels better.

The key is to do the following when baby is fussy:

1. If you've just fed her, hold her over your shoulder and pat/rub until she burps. Even if she doesn't burp out loud, it will help her.

2. Check baby's diaper. Change it if it's wet or dirty.

3. While you're doing that, check to make sure nothing inside her clothes or on her hands or feet is irritating or hurting her. (A string around her toe? A scratchy tag? Her foot not quite in the foot of a footsie-onesie?)

4. If she might be hungry, even if you think it's too soon, nurse/feed her. Could be just a little. She could even just be thirsty (and if you're nursing, the milk that comes out first is thin, for quenching thirst. It's summer, it's hot...

5. Speaking of which, make sure she's not too hot or too cold (from air conditioning).

6. Try shlepping her around on your shoulder if she's tired, or rock with her in a rocking chair in a darkish room. Or put her in a bouncy seat or stroller and "ignore" her and see if she will just rest or hang out... and probably poop. Very Happy

7. If she just will not settle down after all this (you could also try a walk outside if the weather is conducive and you think she is tired or needs some fresh air)... then she has to poop. I'm tellin' ya, she has to poop. Try rubbing her tummy, bicycling her legs in the air... or hold her facing out with your arm over her belly so it presses on her a little... try different things. Maybe a vibrating bouncy seat. You're basically stalling for time while trying to find things that feel soothing, until she poops.

And remember that five months is a little, teeny, tiny baby. Expect it to be unpredictable for a while still, and then it WILL get easier. Just go with the flow for now!