Funeral etiquette | Imamother

LittleDucky

Tue, Feb 09 2016, 7:45 am

I just have to say that I am jealous of you if you haven't lost anyone close enough until now... Been to way too many here. (But BH never sat shivah so I hope it stays that way!)
I think the usual rule of thumb is to take the cue from the mourner (including those not sitting shivah- anyone bereaved). What do they want? Some funerals I have been to the family wants to hug. Others just a brief one with super close family/friends. Others- not.

While it depends on the family, sometimes there are cultural considerations. Where is the funeral being held?

Wear somber (but not casual) clothes, don't bring crying babies, don't bring food, keep your phone on silent and bring a box of tissues.
So sorry for your loss.

imasinger

Tue, Feb 09 2016, 8:04 am

A lot is cultural. Is there something at a funeral home followed by graveside?

Get there early, if you can. Expect to sign a condolence register, and have a chance to greet family in a small room prior to the official start. There, you can speak to them, and follow their cues about hugging. Afterwards, the attendants will guide you about where to go and when. Find your seat. Follow local custom about rising as mourners enter. If you are accompanying for graveside and shiva, follow directions from the attendants and/or rav.

I'm sorry fo your family's loss.

markmywords

Tue, Feb 09 2016, 8:44 am

How does it work?
Since it's Rosh Chodesh I don't know if there will be hespedim/eulogies. On holidays there are none. There can still be a funeral in a funeral home with minimal speeches.
The immediate family gathers in a room prior to the commencement of the service. This enables guests to show their support at this difficult time.
If the funeral is called for 1:00, arrive earlier to see them.
You don't need to say much. A simple "I'm so sorry for your loss" can suffice.
You can say more at a Shiva call. Just be there and show them that you care.

What do I wear?
Dress in darker simple clothing. Please, go simple on the makeup and jewelry. When I was in aveilus, one person came with a face full of make up and I was shocked!

What do I expect?
After the speeches, the rabbi will say Kel maale rachamim/tefilos.
They will walk the casket out of the funeral home: aveilim follow, then men, then women.
At the cemetary there are tefilos said: tehillim, etc
Then men take turns passing a shovel around to fill the grave. Attendees stand in two rows facing each other. Availim take off their shoes and walk through the rows as the people say a pasuk.

Do's:
Speak to others about who's organizing meals, seudas havraah (mourners meal with an egg etc) for after the cemetary) and the meals during the shiva week.
Make sure at least that first meal is covered.
Participate in making something or buy something (bagels, tuna, etc).
Wait for the bereaved to speak to you before speaking. Sometimes they will speak to everyone in front of them as a group and that can be your opening. Please, don't sit there endlessly staring at them, silently. IMO, having seen this occur, it can be better to speak first then to increase their discomfort.
Ask your husband how he is doing and what you can do to help?
He will appreciate this.

Don't:
Do not bring babies. Crying cooing babies make it impossible for a mourner to hear visitors at the shiva. If you think your baby will be quiet, he or she will not. If you think you can just run out, you might not be able to.

I would strongly advise against bringing kids the first few days, unless they are neice's/nephews grand kids.
It is absolutely the most difficult time.
First two days primarily very close family and friends come.
No frivolous conversation unless the mourner initiates it and only in response to them, not your own long drawn out story.
Try not to talk about your own losses at a shiva. It can feel like you're hijacking the need for attention.
If you don't know what to say, it's ok. Just be yourself. Tell them you are so sorry for their loss. If you knew the person and have memories of them, those memories are a gift to the mourner. They are cherished moments of remembering them.

sky

Tue, Feb 09 2016, 8:56 am

Just to add to the above

After either the funeral or burial you wash your hands with a cup. Normally there are stations outside the funeral home and\or cemetery to wash. If you don't wash there you should wash before entering your home.

When the aveilim get home they eat a meal of hard boiled eggs and bagels (or round bread I think). You can find out if anyone is taking care of that and offer to handle it if not.
3 meals a day are needed for everyone sitting shiva plus others in the households (young children, spouses, etc) It would definitely be nice to offer to cover a meal.
Furniture also has to be arranged between davening and sitting. Mirrors have to be covered. Meals have to be served, phones have to be answered. There is a lot to help out with, if you have the time you can offer to take shifts to help run the house.

I find many different people handle things differently. Some hug and thank people for coming, and others don't. I would follow the cues of what is going on.

You can speak to other family members before to see who is going to the burial to see if it is appropriate for you to go (or check with DH, it could be he would like for you to be there). this also depends on minhag, some have no women go, some only if not pregnant or not menstruating. It really depends.