Im really miserable

amother

Rose

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 8:04 pm

I believe that really working one oneself can help a lot. But I also believe that there are situations in which there is no time/energy to do that. Amother who has kids like this and still did it, I don't know what your marriage is like and if your dh can or does ever deal with the kids on his own. But when you are basically doing it all on your own, and your spouse is either just walking away when things get hard or making it worse with his actions, and you just keep going, and they leave the house in the morning and go straight to work and do all your errands during your break if you get one and come home from work and get the kids right away and by the time your fall into bed your brain isn't working anymore... when and how?

And please don't say, "If it's important enough, you can find the time and energy." Not always true.

amother

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 8:15 pm

I do a ton of self help work. I have taken courses (ginsbergs), life coaching, and therapy. I journal and self care on a very regular basis and have been part of a DBT group as well.
It just hits me like a ton of bricks every few weeks or so, that my kids are getting worse and worse. My home is more and more chaotic and nothing is helping. All the "power thoughts" in the world don't change the behavior of my challenging children. I'm so drained mentally physically and emotionally.
I am on long term birth control because I literally cannot handle nor do I desire any more children with issues. I wish hashem gave me normal children. Or some normal children. I don't have one ND child. All my kids are ND. I wish normal parenting techniques worked. I can't wait for moshiach.

iluvu

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 8:36 pm

I will be the third one to say try sod Haddam. I have a son with adhd, I used to resent him and dread him coming home... my relationship with him now is extreme love. He is also a different child. So much happier and calmer. While he still has adhd, we see the good in it, the creativity and energy that comes along with it and not the negative behavior.

amother

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 8:55 pm

Can someone explain what Sod Haolam is? What does it teach? How is it different to the other courses out there?
I am very well versed in this kind of stuff, I have taken many of these style courses both with Torah background and secular sources.
Can someone give me one practical tip that they used in this kind of situation that has made a difference?

Not that my husband will allow me to spend any more money on this stuff.

amother

Brass

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 9:44 pm

This won't necessarily help your children, but it might help you. I also have challenging kids and I felt like such a failure as a mother. At some point for financial reasons I switched careers and started working more hours. I am very successful at my job.

I know that raising children is more important than a career, but spending many hours doing something I'm good at and receiving a lot of positive feedback was very good for my self esteem and wellbeing.

This change meant that the kids spent more time in other people's care, which was not necessarily a bad thing, since they are better behaved outside the home, and sometimes caregivers have more patience than depleted parents. Our improved financial situation and getting out of the house more also helped me feel better.

amother

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 10:56 pm

amother Brass wrote:

This is a really good point. Wow! I don't work aside for a few freelancing jobs here and there. It's a vicious cycle. I'm so drained from my life, I can't imagine working on top of it all, since I don't work I get a few hours a day to decompress and get myself together to deal with the rest of the day.
I can see how finding success outside of my family would feel really good. I have no real skills, no degree, I have no idea where I would work that I would get that kind of empowerment back. All I am is a yiddishe mama and I really am not having success in that area. Maybe it's time for a different focus.

amother

Brass

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 3:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

You might want to see a career coach. But it doesn't necessarily have to be work. It could be a hobby, volunteering, basically using talents you have for a significant number of hours so that you can shine and also get a break from the kids. I find that after that separation I miss my kids and am happy to see them.