Overwhelmed | Imamother

amother

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 8:26 pm

I work all day.
DH has been out of work for a year. I can’t make him be more productive. I’ve tried. He has ASD and executive functioning is a mess.

He goes to minyan three times a day, has a nightly chevrusa, cooks dinner. I do everything else.
Apparently he job hunts but I don’t see any evidence of it.

I’m exhausted.
Anyway this is a pointed complaint. I find it very hard to put my two year old and seven month old to bed. Baby needs to. Ruse before going down. DH leaves for maariv at 7:45 every night, usually when I am putting baby down. Toddler has huge sleep issues and won’t go to sleep for hours but she runs around the house, depending on her mood, either causing chaos or screaming for me, and DH leaves to go to minyan. I cannot keep her in the room, she absolutely cannot stand when I nurse and will tantrum or attack me.

Tonight I was nursing on the couch to try to watch her- DH left for minyan. She was in a rare good mood (pretending to sweep the floor with a broom. Baby brother was in a horrible mood- he is cranky in the evening and just wants to nurse/ cuddle) she said she needed potty and I wasn’t able to put him down to get her to the potty in time. She made in her pull-up and was very upset— she’s been having more accidents the past week or so. She was potty trained early and likes to not wear a diaper and is pretty reliable- I only put her in a pull up for sleep.
Anyway, she got really upset and I’m really upset. I don’t want to tell my husband not to go to minyan/ chevrusa / but I can’t handle bedtime

Yes I know I only have two.
I think I said something about it once and he told me “oh other women have three times as many kids and manage”

I’m so done. Ps: I posted recently a different thread where I said I feel like I can’t bond with my baby.

I’m just so overwhelmed right now. I’l have been overwhelmed probably since my first pregnancy and it’s not getting better.

I don’t really have anyone around to ask for help. I don’t know how I can deal with this anymore.

amother

Sage

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 8:32 pm

I'm so sorry. And I'm giving you a big virtual hug right now, because I really feel for you.

You really need IRL support. I understand that you feel like you don't have a free minute in the day. But this is really, really important. Please try to connect with a therapist, even if it's on zoom and you have to be creative about the time. You can't continue like this.

In the short term, make it clear that you need dh to be home during bedtime. He can go to early mincha and late maariv. No reason at all that he needs to leave davka then. Be firm in this request.

amother

Cerise

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 8:33 pm

Let him go to marriv later and help you out. And I would get really annoyed if my dh told me women handle more than me If I was the primary breadwinner. How would he feel if you told him men did more than him?

amother

Copper

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 8:34 pm

He needs to find later maariv. It exists. Maybe not in his favorite shul or closest shul but it exists

amother

Tangerine

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 8:36 pm

Other women do not have three times as many babies and toddlers. And if they do (triplets) they have baby nurses and nannies.

I hate it when men say this.

I have 7 kah and I can tell you with full experience, a nursing baby and toddler at bedtime need two hands on deck. It's physically impossible otherwise. By the time you have a large number, usually either the DH has learned to help. or the older ones do.

amother

Slateblue

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 8:38 pm

Ur kids might be overtired why don't u try bedtime like 640/7? It can be minutes from when kids go from tired to crazy

amother

Plum

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 8:40 pm

Were you screened for ppd? It often goes unnoticed and people just write it off as overwhelmed.

amother

Sage

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 8:42 pm

amother Plum wrote:

Were you screened for ppd? It often goes unnoticed and people just write it off as overwhelmed.

It's possible that op has ppd but if her circumstances don't change, treatment won't help very much. The first step is to figure out how she can ease this truly overwhelming burden that she's shouldering.

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 8:42 pm

Just put it out there that you can be legitimately overwhelmed AND also have PPD. They're not mutually exclusive. Actually, being legitimately overwhelmed increases your chance of getting PPD

amother

Plum

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 8:44 pm

That is true. But it also needs meds asap before it gets worse.

amother

Tangerine

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 8:46 pm

What does PPD have to do with anything? She needs help at bedtime.

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 8:52 pm

amother Tangerine wrote:

What does PPD have to do with anything? She needs help at bedtime.

Read her other thread.

amother

Tangerine

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 8:57 pm

amother Vermilion wrote:

Read her other thread.

I didn't, but she works all day. She needs help. Call it whatever you want, the problem is that she's doing everything herself, and the solution is more help.

amother

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 9:02 pm

Just to clear up-
Thanks everybody for your concern.
I had a couple therapy sessions covered by insurance and my doctor prescribed me a low dose of Zoloft, it was somewhat helpful in taking the very worst of the edge off.
At the very least it made me more functional.

I still feel like I can’t handle my situation though

amother

Nemesia

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 9:12 pm

Can you get one of them on an earlier schedule? I would try to put one of them to sleep while dh is still home. So lets say 7:00-7:30 is putting dd2 to sleep and then you can nurse baby in peace or the opposite nurse baby while dh still home....

amother

Sage

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 9:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

You need ongoing counseling and support from a therapist, not a couple of sessions.