naming after living MIL

amother

Mon, Jul 20 2009, 3:40 pm

I'm having a weird discussion/ argument with DH, which I don't want to get worse. He's half sephardic, from his mother's side. Obviously, keeps halacha according to minhag ashkenaz, but certain traditions, when not against ashkenazi, he likes to keep, which I generally don't mind.
While discussing possible names for our unborn child ( we don't know if it's a girl or boy)- he mentioned a variation on his mother's name. I said, I do not feel comfortable naming after the living. Also, I'm sure my MIL has no expectations of being named for while living. I thought it was just a fleeting thought for DH, but then it came up a couple of times. Today, he told me that he even asked a Rabbi that we respect, who told him that a variation is not a problem, and can even honor the living. I'm SO annoyed at him! I don't like the name OR the variation, I do not feel like it is disrespecting my MIL, as it is not a minhag of ours to do this. On top of all this, I do not have the best relationship with my MIL and really do NOT like her personality ( which DH knows!!!). Obviously, if there was a need to name after her ( ad 120, of course...) I would, but she's not someone who I'm dying to name after!!
How do I get DH to realize that this is non- issue and to drop it, without insulting his mother? ( Arguments involving his mother usually don't end well, from my vast experience...)

Marion

Mon, Jul 20 2009, 4:17 pm

The sephardim DO name after living relatives. It's not disrespectful. Whether she expects it or not is semi-unrelated to the discussion.

Without knowing the name I can't make any suggestions, but maybe there's a translation (in Hebrew or Yiddish) that you like but means the same thing, or maybe there's something else similar (a different variation?) that you could live with as a middle name.

amother

Mon, Jul 20 2009, 4:22 pm

I'm the OP- I know that for Sephardim this is customary. My point is- we are NOT Sephardic- my MIL is, and she's been married to an Ashkenazi for over 40 years!! I just can't figure out why my DH keeps asking me about this, when there is no reason to name after her. DH's siblings never named for her! Again, I have no problem with this minhag, it's just not ours!

Ruchel

Mon, Jul 20 2009, 4:28 pm

I am a quarter Sephardi only (not on my dad side so it's not my minhag per se) and I still named after my living grandmother ad 120. She also didn't expect it (because we are ashkenazim contrary to her and because even in her family many dropped the tradition after the shoah) and she cried of joy on the phone when my mom talked of it! It is a huge kavod and a segula for a long life.

She is also married to an ashkenazi for 53 years ad 120.

Marion

Mon, Jul 20 2009, 4:36 pm

If he keeps bringing it up it's because it's important to him. Naming minhagim are just that...minhagim. If it's that important to him that he keeps raising the subject ask a Rav. There's nothing in Ashkenazi "halacha" (minhag) that says it's assur to name after the living.

FTR, my paternal grandmother, until her dying day, lived as a Sephardi. She was married to an Ashkenazi man for over 50 years. Her Sephardic mother (from a very fine line of Sephardim) had also been married to an Ashkenazi man. Obviously there were at least some minhagim that he took on rather than the other way around. I certainly remember rice pudding at the seder (no, we didn't eat it). She was proud of her heritage and wanted to share it.

My father's way of teaching us to appreciate our roots, when we got older (like in our twenties, before any of us were married), was to use the Sephardi haggadah for whichever night seder we had no guests.