I gotta fix myself...Help!

amother

Wed, Oct 28 2009, 2:29 am

im generally pretty calm with the kids until they hit that last calm nerve. then I explode.

my dd 2.5 has been crying for two weeks already non stop. just in a crabby mood, tired and complaining all day.

the other day I managed with her fine until she kicked me or hit me in the face I forgot. I potched her on her thigh. it probably hurt I lot....I felt terrible, I promised myself I wouldnt let her get to me and I would be calm even if she stabs me with a fork.... but....

yesterday my dd was throwing a tantrum..

I tried getting her into the elevator and she didnt come. we lost the elevator, we had to wait another few minutes. I dragged her from the stroller to the elevator with her kicking and screaming and I was mind you holding another child. she just started shrieking on top of her lungs and laying on the floor, I slapped her face. it was red embarrassed

. I felt awful. had to drag her from the elevator to the house then into her bed. finally I gave her a pacifier and she calmed down... I just kept apologizing to her.

I have nothing against hitting for discipline so all of you who spare the rod dont comment. im not interested in your negative comments. im looking for advice as to how to not let her press my buttons and get to me and falling and failing yet again.

I do not want them to hate me, I dont want to hurt them. I love my kids. but there are those moments when my nerves are shot and one on top of the other.. they hit that last straw.

I've been pretty good taking a different approach in general , being calm, soft spoken and its not helping those moments. I cant count to ten I cant breath, I dont want them to see me bash my head in a wall which is sometimes what I feel like doing...my hands go in fists and I feel like erupting.. I dont know. I gotta stop. how?

His Wife

Wed, Oct 28 2009, 2:36 am

I've been reading How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk, and although I'm only just past the first bit I've already imposed changes to my chinuch attitudes.

The book promotes empathy with your child. So, for example, when my DD (also around 2.5) is screaming and doesn't want to do what I requested instead of shouting I would just empathise with her crying by saying - It is frustrating and it makes you sad that Mommy wants you to leave your toys and come to the elevator etc. Surprisingly, once you have identified with the emotions they feel it is somehow easier for the child to put aside these feelings and then comply.

Not sure if this will help you.

Best of luck, Chinuch is a difficult thing and we just do our best.

amother

Wed, Oct 28 2009, 2:41 am

I can totally relate. I find myself struggling with the same problem. I usually get like this when I haven't gotten enough sleep, feel bad about the state of my house, or am not getting along with my husband and/or other people. For me it is also about a deeper issue involving low self-esteem and frustration over how I am living my life and not feeling fulfilled. I find that when I start to focus on loving myself and making time for the things that are important to me (other than child-rearing and home-keeping and chores) like friends and hobbies I enjoy, I am happier and less likely to snap. I am more patient, compassionate, and loving and can let tantrums and meltdowns just ride their course. Just some thoughts.
You are not alone, I understand how it is. I can describe countless meltdowns my dds have everyday, many times a day. It's part of the age and I also think they feed off my bad mood. Also, when I feel bad about myself, I tend not to be conscious as a parent and don't tune into dds needs and this leads to big problems.

amother

Mon, Nov 02 2009, 5:55 am

amother wrote:

Could u possibly be me??!! - Reading that felt like reading a large episode out of my life. Really thought it was only only me and didnt even know how to phrase this issue when I felt I needed to post it here.

His wife, though im not the op thank you - am ordering that book now.

greenfire

Mon, Nov 02 2009, 6:06 am

so you feel awful for smacking your kid red across the face ... yet you believe in not sparing any rods to spoil the child ...

confusing Scratching Head

first off take a deep breath ... you need cooperation from your children and having a temper tantrum - well just puts you on the same level as the child ...

try to be factual - repetitive if necessary ... and find consequences that do not include hitting or giving in afterward with tons of apologies ...

create a chart with points - have a little store that at the end of the week she can "shop" for prizes according to the amount of points she has earned ...

always be factual - you are the adult - stay calm ...

also - try to figure out what it is that pushes your buttons over the edge and try to back off before ... so if for example you feel your blood begin to boil - you know your gonna scream, slap, or whatever - take a time out for yourself ... hopefully in time you will be in control and both you and your dd will be more peaceful with your interactions ...

good luck !!! Hug

oh and very important have timeout when she misbehaves or hits - she should not hit a mommy either ... a chair or a step for 3 minutes of quiet then an apology or she cannot go on to the next thing ...

shirafruma

Mon, Nov 02 2009, 7:50 am

AMEN MY SISTAS!

I feel like you guys are singing my song! I always hid in secret that sometimes my kids are killing me, that I cannot cope. I never want to be "THAT" mother..you know the one whose kids are running wild in shul, in the store, everyone talks about how she cannot cope...Last week my son was home from school so I had both kids home to enteratin and shabbos to make AND we are going away so I had to finish making our plans AND AND AND it never ended and THEN DH came home and complained that supper was horrible and the house wasn't "as clean and neat as it normally is..." I then threw a can of green beans on the counter and cried...

Next day my son had to go the dr..so I had to shlep both kids..my daughter has this THING about SHREIKING, so she a tantrum and I took he rin the bathroom and potched her on the tuchas. And told her not to cry. And I don't feel bad about it, thats what I feel bad about. Sometimes I think I am a monster! I scream at my kids sometimes b/c I need 5 minutes of quiet, then I lay in bed at night thinking about what I am going to do after all my kids (Hashem should bentch me with more) are grown up..Did I waste these years being angry and bitter or did I do my avodas Hashem and raise my children b'simcha!??!

Shalshelet

Mon, Nov 02 2009, 8:34 am

One thing I'd like to add to the aforementioned suggestions. I have found that it can be difficult for a child (and most adults too!) to constantly switch gears on the fly (like Avraham Avinu did). Try preempting your child a few minutes, hours, days, etc. for the experience so she can be prepared. Also, it may be helpful to talk WITH her about what is acceptable behaviour (you may even throw in a reward if that is motivational). ie. "Darling, tomorrow after your nap we're going to the doctor for Sonny boy. He's not feeling well. When we get there, there should be some toys and books in the waiting area for you to play with. After the doctor, we're going to make a quick stop at the market. On our trip we are not going to scream or yell, right?" when you're almost ready to leave, you could say, "Darling, we're going to be leaving very soon. When Mommy puts on her coat, it will be time for you to put yours on so that we can go outside to the car. We're going to go shopping now. You can help Mommy pick out some cereal while we are there."

greenfire

Mon, Nov 02 2009, 8:40 am

shirafruma wrote:

...my daughter has this THING about SHREIKING, so she a tantrum and I took he rin the bathroom and potched her on the tuchas. And told her not to cry. And I don't feel bad about it, thats what I feel bad about. Sometimes I think I am a monster!

how on earth can you potch a kid and then demand that she don't cry ?!?!?! Crying

amother

Mon, Nov 02 2009, 9:22 am

well, ill add to this thread by saying I am in the same boat, and its nice to know to an extent that I am not the only one. I dont potch or anything, but I do tend to scream/shout, and my patience wears thin quickly. I see all these parents around me being calm and happy, and I envy them, I feel horrible envying, but I cant help it.
Everytime, I shout I hate myself more, its like a peice of me dies everytime this happens. This is not the type of mother I invisioned myself to be, this is not who I am. And yet the kids tend to push my buttons so easily, and half the time there is nothing wrong with what they do, its all me. I know I need to mend my ways, because I want a happier, better home. Its just so so hard. But I started implementing some things such as when I feel that I am about to lose it, I leave the room, luck myself in the bathroom (if I am at home) and sort of "meditate" for a few minutes until I calm down then I come out and talk calmly, sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt, but I am working on that. Another thing I do, is when kids act up or whatnot, I try to think before reacting, I try to observe the situation first see what I need to do and then do it. This is sometimes hard if its done outside as there are other people outside, but I learned to completely ignore them, let them stare, instead I consintrate on my kids and what needs to be done and tune out everyone and everything else.
I am tired, exhausted, drained, parenting is the most challenging thing I had to ever do, and I work on myself EVERY SINGLE DAY!! I am also trying to learn patience, which is very hard. So I am hoping with time and effort I will change and thus effect a positive change in the kids!