CAn I give my guests an ultimatum?

amother

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 8:25 pm

I invited guests over for both Shabbos Lunch meals on Yom Tov. We made up that they would come at 12:00 pm. At 12:50 when they did not show up, my husband and I thought that either they got the days mixed up or something happened and I was going to walk over to their place after the meal. My husband and I made kiddush at 1:00 and washed DH was starving. The wife walks in at 1:10 and said they went to a shul far away and ate at the kiddush her husband and kids followed about ten minutes later. Of course I didn't have extra challos so I gave the husband Matzoh meanwhile my husband and I started eating the fish and salad which by the way was so soggy b.c I made it at 11:30 when I prepared all the other food. Bottom line is they hardley ate anything b.c. they probably ate alot at the shul kiddush. I threw out almost a whole cholent, kugel and most of the kishka. Now they are supposed to come back again and when she calls I want to know if I can tell her she has to be here by 12:00 or basically she shouln't come, what do you think?

amother

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 8:28 pm

Why don't you say something like "We'd love to have you if you can Daven with dh is his Shul.
Since each Shul finishes at different times, this seems to be the only way it would work for us to have guests over."

greenfire

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 8:30 pm

don't give them an ultimatum shock

speak to them nicely and ask them their plans so you can prepare accordingly ... also let them know that you'll be making kiddush at such & such time ... and have extra lechem mishnah which you should always have for guests regardless ...

amother

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 8:32 pm

They usually always daven in the same shul as Dh. This is the first time they tried a new shul in the opposite directions about 25 minutes away from our shul across the street. I could make less food but thats not the point. My Dh doesn't eat until lunch time (I do). Wwhy should he have to wait until 1:00. I believe you should not eat at a kiddush if you are going to be eating at someones house. I'm sure plenty of you work hard cooking and want people to eat YOUR food.

Love My Babes

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 8:38 pm

firstly, that is so rude of them. but u can ask if she is going to eat at the kiddush, so u dont have to prepare food that is unneccessary. u can say to her also that ur husband comes home at 12 and u like to start right away.

Fox

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 10:00 pm

I have a relatively regular guest who does this -- I don't know if he oversleeps, hits all the local kiddushes, or what, but he shows up an hour or more after we expect him . . . and we don't start terribly early.

When he calls now, I'm very specific: "We'd love to have you; we'll be making kiddush at noon." I don't wait more than ten minutes, and I don't worry about lechem mishna. Granted, this is a guest who makes a regular practice of this, so I probably wouldn't make quite as big a deal if it seemed like a one-time event. But I would definitely give them a specific time and stick to it!

BrachaVHatzlocha

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 10:46 pm

We tell people we're eating at noon. If they're not there by 12:30, we start.
If it was a one time thing, give them another chance, but explain that you start @ 12 sharp (but will have matzos available, if you want to add.)
I've had guests come late many times. so we start and they join us. it's happened a few times that they never showed up..... you cant' wait forever!!

Isramom8

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 9:46 pm

Verify that they're really coming, and whether or not they will arrive hungry. Beyond that, you can start your meal 15-30 minutes after the stated time, and just greet them warmly when they do arrive. But you should say "We really start at 12, 12:15 tops, because the kids are so hungry, or because (whatever)" so that they know clearly that you won't wait.

Ezrachar

Thu, Oct 08 2009, 3:50 am

When we lived in a bigger city, which had many different shuls, we always told guests "we eat lunch at 12:00" or something of the sort. Never before 12, because that isn't really fair, and we usually waited till 1215 or 1230 before we started eating. But even friends of ours who had been over previously or went to the same shul, we always said "we eat at 12". I don't think it's rude. Just make it a statement of fact, not an ultimatum.

sky

Thu, Oct 08 2009, 9:15 am

I wouldn't give an ultimatium if they are already invited. I would just remember it for next time when inviting them and mention it there.

Can your dh make kiddush when he comes home and eat a small piece of cake and then you can wait for them to come.

chocolate moose

Thu, Oct 08 2009, 10:06 am

We stopped eating out/having guests by day because the shuls near us have large kiddushim by day.

Before they come again, just ask them their intentions & tell them truthfully what happened last time. I think that's fair.

If they eat at the kiddush, maybe they can stop with the fish course, then they can just come to you for cholent and you and your dh can eat the fish course in the meantime. We do that a lot.

levial

Thu, Oct 08 2009, 4:22 pm

No ultimatem. Just explanation.

"Ok, we're looking forward to seeing you. We are starting at 12 like last week... I'll have extra bread/matzot for you again if you end up staying at the shul kiddush"

I'd downsize the food. I'd get over the soggy salad.

cheeseblintz

Sun, Nov 15 2009, 9:03 pm

After these guests ruined lunch last time, why invite them back? Sounds like they like to eat at kiddushim and aren't really that into coming for lunch anyway. Save your effort for guests who will be more appreciative.

Mimisinger

Sun, Nov 15 2009, 9:53 pm

IMO, no ultimatum and no mention of lechem mishna!

Say, the meal starts at 12:00. Period end of story. If by chance, people come late, something happens, whatever, we have lechem mishna, but I invite people to a meal to spend time with them, not to feed them (soley).

Meaning, if I invite you, I want to talk to you, not have you arrive an hour late and expect to be fed.

A couple of weeks ago, the dh came over and said his family was sick. So, I packed up shabbos meal for his family of four and sent it home with him, everything from fish, to salad, chicken, challah, dessert, etc. The only I did not include was wine (they had)...

If they come late again, after saying that lunch is at x time, then don't try again.

DefyGravity

Mon, Nov 16 2009, 8:29 am

I wouldn't have waited an hour for guests, after a half hour, we would have made kiddush.

I don't dress the salad until we wash for motzi, so there's not a problem with the salad getting soggy.

Furthermore - even if your guests hadn't gone to the kiddush, there's no guarantee they'd eat a lot of food, and you still may have had lots of leftovers. Why are you throwing away nearly an entire kugel, kishka, and cholent? To me, that's the worst part of this post. I can't fathom all the waste.

healthywoman

Mon, Nov 16 2009, 10:12 am

You got it all wrong. this is what happens. when you invite them say you are eating at 12 (lets say) if they say shul doesnt end then or something say ok come when u can but we might start without you.
very simple.
Actually thats what happened to me and it was fine.