Feeling bad for not being able to host friend

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Forum -> Relationships -> Guests

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amother

Tue, Dec 22 2009, 7:05 am

I got married two weeks ago and moved to a different city (and country) a week later.

I desperately want to keep in touch with friends from the city I used to live and told them at my wedding that I would love to have them come and stay with us (and really meant it!)

I just got an email from one of my friends saying that she and her husband are visiting my new city next week and are looking for somewhere to stay/ meals etc. She did say that they do not expect us to host them as we are newly married but are asking if I know of someone who can host them.

We have only been in this flat just over a week (and most of that time I have been in bed with the flu), there are boxes and suitcases everywhere and hardly any furniture (the flat has just one bedroom and one other room and is part furnished) so I doubt I can make the place look half decent by the time they arrive. I don't even think I can host them for meals as the table we have is barely big enough for just the two of us.

I feel so bad, I don't know what to say to my friend. I don't know anyone here well enough to ask if they can host these people but even if I did I feel I should be hosting them myself. I am also concerned that word will get back to my other friends that this couple asked to be hosted and we couldn't accomodate, so noone else will bother asking.

I know I've probaby made it obvious who I am :-( I hope my friend doesn't read here :-(

Mimisinger

Tue, Dec 22 2009, 7:08 am

Call the rabbi/shul and ask if there's a hospitality committee.

amother

Tue, Dec 22 2009, 7:23 am

There definitely isn't one at our shul which although is the largest in the frum area of the city is renound for being the least welcoming to guests. The only guests who come are relatives of shul members.

I think it would be rude to ask at a different shul wouldn't it?

greenfire

Tue, Dec 22 2009, 7:34 am

despite the wonderful idea of having guests - it's a bit intrusive to expect a newlywed to host another couple ...

that being said ... the smallness of the apt wouldn't stop me from having guests in general ...

אם יש מקום בלב יש מקום בשלחן

chocolate moose

Tue, Dec 22 2009, 8:12 am

Tell HER to call the shul. You'd like to, but you can't. End of story.

amother

Tue, Dec 22 2009, 9:26 am

I'm the OP

greenfire wrote:

The size of the apartment isn't the main problem. We have one bedroom, one small bathroom (just shower - no bath) and one other room which serves as a living room, dining room and has a little kitchenette in the corner.

The main problem is that we landed in this flat a week ago and since I have been in bed with flu for most of that time, a lot of our stuff is still in boxes and cases and the place is just generally in chaos. It is not as if we can easily have a tidy up either because we have very little furniture and nowhere to to put a lot of our things. Cutlery, crockery and other kitchen stuff is still all in boxes and we just have the little table that was already in the flat (which as I said before is barely big enough for the two of us)

If it had been a few weeks later we would be more organised, maybe have a folding table and some folding chairs so we can at least invite people for a meal. I think that is one of the reasons I feel so bad. There are probably many couples who get their house house straight more quickly and would have been able to do it. I'm also feeling pretty down because I have been unable to do simple things like shopping, cooking, cleaning due to being in bed with flu :-(

ChutzPAh

Tue, Dec 22 2009, 9:37 am

I think that should not have put you on the spot like that 2 weeks after your wedding. They should have made sure they have a place to stay and eat BEFORE deciding to go somewhere. Just apologize that you can't have them due to being ill and tell them you'd love to host them in the future.

busydev

Tue, Dec 22 2009, 9:52 am

It seems to me that your friend understands that you cannot host them as you are so newly married and if you say you have been sick she will totally understand. Even without moving to a new city and into a small apartment it is very hard to host someone (for sleeping and even for a meal) within a month after the wedding. no matter how much you want to, its very hard.
if your husband knows people in the neighborhood maybe he can ask around a bit. or see if there is a city phonebook that has info about an hachnosas orchim type committee. Or tell your friend that youdont really know many people yet and you are sick and you are so sorry that you cnnot help more, but that next time she comes she should def call you first.
lots of luck in figuring this out. and I hope you feel better soon!

Mommy3.5

Tue, Dec 22 2009, 7:10 pm

I think its wrong to ask a couple married less then a month to host you and feed you. Especially, when you have not even had time to settle your apartment.

Yocheved84

Tue, Dec 22 2009, 7:26 pm

There was a thread a few weeks ago about a website where people can find hosts/best hosts for Shabbos or short stays. I forget the name, but maybe someone else on here remembers, and you can direct them to it...

amother

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 5:40 am

OP here.

Is it not rude to simply direct my friends to a number to call? I feel as if we should at least locate a place for them to stay if we can't host them ourselves. They are coming from overseas and can't speak the language.

I'm still in bed with flu and am panicking that I'm not even going to be able to get out of the house to see them when they're here :-(

shalhevet

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 6:54 am

I think there is nothing wrong in being totally honest here and just telling her what you wrote here. In fact, I think it would be good if she read this thread Wink

It's not as if you have anything shameful to hide.

How much I would help depends on why they are coming. If they are coming ch"v for medical treatment, or because they have job interviews in your town, or to visit a dying relative etc etc I would do a chesed with them and ask others, even though it's not so comfortable.

But if they decided to have a vacation and stay at your place, well, they better unbook their vacation, hadn't they. It was pretty insensitive to ask two weeks after the wedding. When I started reading the post I was sure it was going to be a pair of clueless teenagers. A married couple have no excuse not to have more sense (unless, again, it is some kind of emergency and they are desperate).

Tamiri

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 8:14 am

It sounds as if the couple are coming to the OP's new city regardless of whether she's there or not. They don't seem to expect much from OP besides making a few phone calls, which OP isn't up to. And that is all I would say: I wish I could help more, but being that I am so new here and ill in bed, I can't even begin to think of whom to call. I hope we can meet somewhere when you get here.
Finished.
OP is feeling bad because she's a decent person who, under normal circumstances, would probably go out of her way to me machnisat orchim. However, nothing is normal about her current circumstances, and there is nothing at all to apologize for.

greenfire

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 8:51 am

you have to take care of your health first ... just say "flu" and you will shoo them away ...

imaima

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 11:04 am

amother wrote:

well I've actally hosted friends when I had the same living conditions.. turned out ok. it depends on how close you are with them. Maybe you don't need to put up a show, and they just need a place to stay overnight??? But I would feel bad for forcing my friends to host me under these conditions

Mama Bear

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 11:51 am

I dont even understand why youreu feeling guilty, there's no way youre obligated to host anyone when youre mamish newly married.

try http://www.seeyouonshabbos.com/

Barbara

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 12:05 pm

amother wrote:

Mazel tov on your marriage.

Dear Friend --

I'm so excited that you'll be in my city next week. I hope I get to see you while you're here.

I wish I had more ideas as to where you could stay. We only moved in here last week, and to make matters worse, I immediately got the flu and haven't even been able to unpack. With all of that, I haven't had the chance to meet anyone yet. You might want to contact Rebbetzin Insert Name at Shul; its not our shul, but I do hear that its very warm and welcoming.

I'm hoping this means that you'll be in my city frequently. Hopefully next time, when we're more settled, you'll be able to stay with us (even though its a tiny one bedroom, one bath) or at least have a meal with us.

(You might think about buying an inexpensive folding table and a couple of folding chairs if you might have guests.)

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