self conscious | Imamother

amother

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 2:34 pm

how do you deal with the self conscious feeling you get when you see someone you havent seen in a long time and you know how fat you look to them? I have a wedding coming up and I just know what people will be thinking when they see me and I am so insecure about it! I need to have a positive frame of mind but cant seem to get it. any words of advice or support?

Yocheved84

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 2:51 pm

Sharing some advice that other imamothers gave me a few months ago:

- Your friends will be looking at you as a friend--not as a specimen which is bigger or smaller than the last time you saw them.
- If you have makeup, hair/nice hat, nails done, etc., people will see your beauty--not the pounds you've gained. Sorry if this sounds vain (but having gained 80+ pounds in the past year), I've made an effort at simchas to make sure my hair looks good, my nails look good, my teeth are white, makeup is good, etc. Those things go a long way.

Now, this may sound a bit cynical, but I feel like many people participate in LH after simchas, and it's not just about weight. e.g. "Did you see how old looking she got?" "Did you see how she spoke to her kids?" "Did you see how fat/thin/etc. she got?" People will always find *something* to comment on.

Just focus on the kallah at the simcha. Also, if you act in a confident way, it helps to deflect these feelings. If your head is buried in your chest and you're looking down and not confident, people will see that.

Hope you enjoy the simcha. You'll be ok Smile

amother

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 3:06 pm

you are 100% right about ppl gossiping after simchas. I know for myself, I feel much better when I see someone else who also got fat. as cruel as that is, its true (and im not proud of it). not that I gossip about it (I just think it) but I always hear others gossiping.
you are right about acting confident. I think that is the main thing. im working on that.

thanks for responding. it helps to know that others also feel this way.

life'sgreat

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 4:37 pm

I found that the best thing was to make sure I feel really good about how I look, even with the weight gain. Although I've had uncomfortable moments sometimes, with some even stupidly commenting with no tact. I've also joked about it when in place.

amother

Tue, Jan 05 2010, 5:44 am

I feel like op all the time. I always feel ppl are looking and judging about everything. the challenge I think is to remember on all aspects of life your dh and your own opinion counts most

Yocheved84

Tue, Jan 05 2010, 9:57 am

I forgot to add some advice given to me by a Rebbetzin. It has nothing to do with religion, but it made perfect sense.

Wear clothes that you will feel both confidant and comfortable in. If you're gasping for air because you've stuffed yourself into a girdle, you won't be in a good mood. And if your shirt is too tight in the stomach region, you'll be focusing on it.

If money is an issue, go to Goodwill or something for a shirt that is a litle bit bigger. Bottom line: If you're uncomfortable physically, it will show mentally.

Stay strong Smile

Hatzlocha.