Pls explain showers to a daft Aussie, (not the water kind)

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 4:53 pm

We don't have engagement showers down under (actually if you take E"Y as your point of reference we are not down under at all Tongue Out

)
You give a gift before or at the wedding and maybe bring flowers or a small gift to the l'chaim

is the myth about all Americans being wealthy true that you guys can all afford to give 2-3 gifts per marrying couple? I don't think so
so what is the point of these affairs? It just sounds kind of greedy to me.
could someone explain it to me?

DefyGravity

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 5:02 pm

I usually give one gift, not two or three. If I'm invited to the shower, I'll give the gift at the shower. I generally spend X number of dollars on the gift, and if I give a shower AND a wedding gift, it will generally add up to X.

amother

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 5:04 pm

so then what is the point of having the shower bichlal? If you are going to give a 1 gift anyway then why make a party for it?

busydev

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 5:06 pm

I give one gift. If I get invited to a shower then its usually a "thing" gift- bowls, platter etc. (amount spent depends on how close we are and what I have available- usually between 5-25 - I someties by a nice bowl from walmart or split a gift with friends)
If no shower or in a different city its a check. (between 10-20)

DefyGravity

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 5:08 pm

I have a feeling that if there wasn't a specific event for gifts, some people would forget to give a gift altogether. I know I have. It's also a nice reason to have a party with just girls for the kallah before her wedding.

busydev

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 5:08 pm

the point? its a social scene- everyone gets to talk and spend time with friends and its fun to see what the kalla is getting. (from other peoples perspective) When I have a classmate showers we usually have a game and its a reason to get together and see evryone again.

chaylizi

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 5:10 pm

in my city (and I don't live in a rich place) they make hostess showers. Everyone pays x amount of money (depending on how many hostesses there are) & the ladies going shopping try to get the kallah as many items to help her set up her housekeeping as possible. So I got a microwave, toaster, blender/mini food processor, shabbos china, milchig/fleishig dishes & the corresponding silverware, 2 sets of pots, and the list goes on. That way you are getting the kallah everything she needs (or close to it) & she avoids getting 3 challah covers & 5 sets of napkin rings. I don't have to shop for or wrap a present & I know that a family that probably could not have afforded this, is beyond grateful. People did it for me. I participated in the showers of my friends after I got married. I think it's very nice.

amother

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 5:15 pm

As an Aussie, try explaining a pre-wedding party to any non-Australian! The hostesses participate and give money to a cause chosen by the Kallah.. ie: the Kallah's school, Yad Eliezer, etc.

busydev

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 5:17 pm

Thats what they do? But at least with a shower you help the kalla start her home. it can be very expensive....

amother

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 6:21 pm

The cost of the pre-wedding is in addition to any gifts for the couple.

So yes, weddings here do get expensive. Pre-weddings generally cost between $20-$25, gift for the couple and babysitting if you need it.

chocolate moose

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 7:57 pm

In AmericA, anything goes. You can give just one gift and be yotzei.

Lately, I only hear about showers for a needy kallah, but it's possible that since I'm out of the age group, that could be why I don't hear about them in general.

PinkFridge

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 8:45 pm

chaylizi wrote:

It's a beautiful minhag, started when times were lean and continued now.
And, you can always be a half hostess (which usually is just a bit more than a sheva brachos hostess comes out to).

But even without the hostess showers, everyone registers somewhere so standards showers are usually tachlisdik too.

amother

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 9:34 pm

OP here,

chaylizi wrote:

now that sounds like it has more of a tachlis but I hope they aren't expected to give yet ANOTHER gift for the wedding.

amother wrote:

As an Aussie, try explaining a pre-wedding party to any non-Australian! The hostesses participate and give money to a cause chosen by the Kallah.. ie: the Kallah's school, Yad Eliezer, etc.

I was just about to write about that.
Yes we have something called a pre-wedding, you can also call it a social affair but with a tachlis. money is given to the cause of her choice, she speaks a dvar torah or gets someone to do it for her etc.
it's not just friends but all women who are invited to the wedding are invited to the pre wedding

busydev wrote:

Thats what they do? But at least with a shower you help the kalla start her home. it can be very expensive....

so nu...we give wedding presents

amother wrote:

Apparently if you can't afford you can just give them 15 or what you can afford. No one is going to check up on you or get on your case to pay more.

chaylizi

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 9:41 pm

amother wrote:

now that sounds like it has more of a tachlis but I hope they aren't expected to give yet ANOTHER gift for the wedding.

Certainly not. Also, people do either shower or sheva brachos here. Most people don't volunteer for both.

busydev

Tue, Mar 09 2010, 5:27 pm

ok so a shower is a pre wedding party plus giving gifts instead of giving at the wedding. where I come from all women invited to the wedding are invited to the shower nd the kalla usually gives a davar torah and thank you.
if you are giving 20 dollars for a gift plus another 20 dollars to the orginazation (or whatever your currency is) thats 40 whereas I only give 20 dollars.

amother

Tue, Mar 09 2010, 5:34 pm

ok so thanks for explaining that coz I was starting to think the kallah get's 3 gifts after reading that other thread with the multiple engagement parties.

one engagement gift
one shower gift and one wedding gift.

thanks for setting me straight Tongue Out

Tefila

Tue, Mar 09 2010, 6:46 pm

B'h
A shower I will participate in as far as joining together as a groupd to get a gift for the chooson and kallah whereas for the chausnah I will be giving something on my own. DOes that make sense?

amother

Tue, Mar 09 2010, 9:18 pm

in australia you buy an engagement gift to give at the lchaim and then a wedding gift. I generally spend about $50-70 on a wedding gift and $25 on engagement. If it's someone I am close with we will spend close to $100. I do think that couples deserve to get some good presents (or cash) for their wedding when they needs money to set up their home. I wish I could afford to give more than I give now.

When I got married, I got about 2,000 dollars worth of gifts and about 700 dollars worth of cash. it was hard to set up my home with so little. I think that cash gifts are the best personally.

busydev

Wed, Mar 10 2010, 12:39 pm

So I got married a year ago.
I got one gift from many people. Some did give a check and also added to the group gifts from the shower. but it was very usually an $18 check and prob around the same to the shower gifts. tho there were a few exceptions.
I got one "engagement" gift from my grandparents and everything else was pretty much given by the shower or with the reply cards.

so I guess you could say that there are 2 gifts (potentially)
1 by the shower and 1 "by" the wedding(or reply card).

and apparently thats the same by you (australians)
1 by the engagement and 1 by the wedding

torahtots

Mon, Mar 15 2010, 6:49 pm

Yes, I agree with busydev. In America I don't see people giving gifts at the l'chaim/engagement. One smaller one at the shower and a larger one or check at the wedding.

o

Crazy!

I live in Israel now and of course had to have a shower back home. I came up with the idea to ask people (with a cute poem, not in a rude way) to give a check and a picture of what they want me to buy with it - the poem said it was both to help Israel's economy and because I couldn't shlep all the gifts home with me. And then of course I could really use the money to buy whatever I actually needed, since between DH and me we already had a lot of things and didn't necessarily need a set of pots or whatever.

I also showed a video at my shower, of my place of work, my (then) fiance's place of work, us at the kotel, where we were going to live, etc.

There are usually a bunch of hostesses who plan and pay for the party. Then they all chip in to buy a big gift. (In my community it's usually a KitchenAid.)

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