"How much do you earn?"

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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cinnamon

Sun, Mar 21 2010, 10:38 am

my sister and I were discussing how overwhelming pesach + kids on vacation + work is. I said something like "all my paycheck is going on babysitting this month"
to which she asked "how much do you make anyway"?

I think this is a very personal question and would never think to ask it. Why is it her business how much I make? I figured it just sliped out by mistake but when I told her I thought it is inappropriate she did not understand what I'm talking about and was like "whats the big deal my sils talk about how much they make all the time"

So am I the crazy one? is there really nothing wrong with asking someone how much they make?

pecan

Sun, Mar 21 2010, 10:40 am

A sister is a close relative, not a stranger. I would have no problem asking my sister or telling my sister what I make. But outside of close relatives, it's nobody's business.

imasinger

Sun, Mar 21 2010, 10:44 am

The problem is that it's often equally rude to correct other adults on matters of manners. So perhaps all one can do is say vaguely, "Oh, I wasn't looking to discuss details, just commenting on how much extra babysitting I'll have this month."

Grandmama

Sun, Mar 21 2010, 10:46 am

cinnamon wrote:

This is your sister, it all depends on your relationship. And if you choose to stay private about that, you can just answer her, that you prefer to keep it personal. However, there are times and people that do think it isn't a big deal to discuss it, and some people want to kvetch about how little they get, and how their boss never gives them a raise, etc. Many people talk about it, and don't think anything to announce how much they earn. Others try to avoid answering exactly because they feel it's private. Unless the amount you earn is unusually high, I see no issue with telling a sister any average random figure she expects to hear. Just as you feel she shouldn't be asking, so you can tell her whatever you feel like.
According to etiquette standards though, you are probably right, and it is not appropriate to ask such a question. According to old wives tales, three things should never be asked, how much money you have, how many children you have, and how old you are. Very Happy

cinnamon

Sun, Mar 21 2010, 11:00 am

Well abviously (as I said in my post) I was not comfortable answering not because I make so much (I really don't) but because of the dynamics of my relationship with her.

She was so shocked about this that I was just wondering if I am weird...

Cookies n Cream

Sun, Mar 21 2010, 11:04 am

I also consider this a personal question.

Plonis

Sun, Mar 21 2010, 11:50 am

It is an American cultural thing. I understand that in Israel total strangers feel comfortable discussing finances.

I wouldn't consider it a rude question per se, especially not from a close relative, but that doesn't mean you need to answer it either - just gently brush it off, as you would with any question you prefer not to answer.

life'sgreat

Sun, Mar 21 2010, 11:58 am

I consider it a personal question and would prefer not to share it with anyone. However, I wouldn't be surprised if my sister would ask. If I choose not to share, I'd say so.

In Israel this is a typical question.

sky

Sun, Mar 21 2010, 12:13 pm

I don't feel comfortable sharing this with my SIL. I'd answer something like "not as much as I'm worth/I'd like.." etc. In a joky way.

Ruchel

Sun, Mar 21 2010, 1:15 pm

Even an acquaintance I would answer, unless I make so much I'm afraid of ayn hara. Halevai! lol

chocolate moose

Sun, Mar 21 2010, 2:45 pm

cinnamon wrote:

I'm sure you wouldn't, and I wouldn't either, but in this context, it's important. If you make $6 an hour and the babysitter charges $7, you've lost money before you step in the door, not figuring in tights and some take out food and the cost of some clothes/sheital sets. Not to mention cleaning help.

libramom

Sun, Mar 21 2010, 3:19 pm

when I was single and worked for many years as a mothers helper and got paid very well.
my friends always used to ask me how much I made.
I too think that it is no ones buiseness how much money I make.
some friends got annoyed at me and thought I was wierd. and some totally got it.

apart from it being personal,
I think that such information can cause "kina v'sina"
ppl get jealous
and
"ein habrach shruya...."
there is no blessing on something that is not kept private.

gp2.0

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 12:13 am

I think it's a normal question to ask, but I know a lot of people are uncomfortable with the question. People are usually just curious. Some people are comfortable answering, and some aren't, usually depending on how close the relationship is. Sometimes you might not want to share it if you're afraid the other person will be jealous.

Peanut2

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 1:16 am

pecan wrote:

A sister is a close relative, not a stranger. I would have no problem asking my sister or telling my sister what I make. But outside of close relatives, it's nobody's business.

I agree. But you don't have to share with anyone, and that doesn't make you crazy. I think in Israel people feel comfortable talking about this because it used to be that no one had anything, even the wealthier one.
It's one thing when everyone's commiserating on how little they make.

MrsDash

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 1:22 am

I guess if it's a friend or family member asking me innocently without some ulterior motives, then I don't care to tell them. It is kind of weird if someone I'm not too close with and like asks me that sort of question... Ummm... Are you a tax assessor or something? geez!

happyone

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 5:45 am

Unless you are my accountant, or taking my application for my new second home Smile

it's none of your business how much I do or don't earn.

Very rude.

chanchy123

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 5:53 am

I agree it is something private, no one likes to share with strangers or even just stam people, but your sister or best friend or whatever, are not just stam people and it is legitimate to ask a sister how much she earns.

jewels

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 9:35 am

I would never ask my sister how much she makes. It's really not my business and although we're close enough to discuss everything from Niddah shailos, disagreements with our husbands, and issues with in-laws for some reason I feel like finances are very private.
It also bothers me when people assume things about my own financial situation. I just had a situation recently where I was told by a good friend of mine what another friend thought my financial status was. It really got to me.

challi

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 9:44 am

I found this common place in Israel and among Israeli's. Sometimes it seeps into the non-Israeli's living there as well.

If you don't feel comfortable just say so. Don't lecture though. What may be rude to you might seem commonplace and not intrusive to her. Its definitely not across the board. Its a cultural thing.

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