Very weird seder guest - what to do?

amother

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 11:39 am

So we are inviting a nonreligious friend over for the seder. He asked if he could bring a 60-year-old Jewish acquaintance who was looking for a vegetarian seder. We said sure, and he gave the acquaintance our numbers. This acquanitance called us about four times yesterday -- including at 10 p.m. -- and another two times today, sometimes leaving messages, sometimes not. When he did leave a message, it was long and rambling and somewhat incoherent.

DH and I are a little alarmed now. But we already said we would host this guest. I don't think this guest will be violent or anything, but it could be that he will hijack the seder with his incessant ramblings or weird thoughts or whatever. He just left me another message on my work phone! It's a mitzvah to host the guest, I suppose...but..... What should we do? Can we back out, now that he looks to be a little mentally off? Thanks.

MiamiMommy

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 11:59 am

Why not express your concerns to the friend that's bringing him? Maybe they can offer some insight.

I wouldn't cancel. I'd hate to think of the person not having anywhere to go for the seder. In fact, the thought would probably ruin the sedarim for me!

Mrs Bissli

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 12:06 pm

I agree it won't be nice to dis-invite. Dan lekaf zechut, it may be just his personality, also people communicate differently when it comes to leaving lengthy v-mail, and I don't think 10pm is THAT late to leave messages. As for repeated v-mail, did you call him back? (I also found many vegetarians call more than once to make sure the host got the dietary restrictions correctly.)

Though you may want to pay attention to the seating plan so that someone understanding and willing to intervene if necessary. Maybe the original friend can keep an eye on him. Also your DH needs to show enough leadership not to have sedar derailed.

amother

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 1:17 pm

Thank you. We haven't called him back yet because the first msg we received was at 10 last night (he called before, apparently, but didn't leave any messages). He called both of us again today. Maybe I am overreacting. I think I will leave it to our friend to rein him in, and yes, I think DH and hopefully his FIL will keep things on track. Thanks!

amother

Tue, Mar 23 2010, 10:40 am

So I emailed him and invited him, told him the time and our address. He's called me several times a day, every single day since he got my phone number, sometimes leaving a message, sometimes not. Creepy...

racheleezzy

Tue, Mar 23 2010, 10:45 am

can you ask your original friend whats the deal with this guy... I think since u really shouldt uninvite him, you just need to figure out away to deal with him at your seder.

shirafruma

Tue, Mar 23 2010, 11:34 am

I also think he is either a) lonley or b) super excited to come to a "tradtional" seder and wants to just probably express how excited he is but doesnt really know what to say or do. I find a lot of times not yet frum people are overly nervous around frum people because they think we are in judgement of them... Or he could posslby be both.

DefyGravity

Tue, Mar 23 2010, 11:39 am

I'd get in touch with the friend that put you in touch with this guy and find out a bit more about him. In most circumstances, you don't want to un-invite a guest, but sometimes you may find out information that will cause you to hastily change your mind - and rightfully so. It's generally not a mitzvah to do something that will put your family in danger.

Most likely, this person just lacks social skills, but it's good to make sure.

amother

Tue, Mar 23 2010, 4:31 pm

I did ask my friend. Turns out the acquaintance is a guy he met at a Purim party of a trusted friend, so has only known him for a couple weeks, and lately he's been annoying my friend, as well -- calling him a bunch of times, etc. He didn't seem surprised that the acquaitance was doing the same thing to me. I told my friend not to give out my contact information anymore.

the acquaintance is in his 60s and unemployed, btw.

dochesed

Wed, Mar 24 2010, 1:01 pm

I regularly have such guests for Shabbos and Yom Tov who reside in Ohel or in independent apartments under the auspices of Ohel. Many of them suffer from anxiety disorders so they will call beforehand numerous times to tell me what kinds of foods they can or cannot eat. In the beginning DH and I were very put off by it but then we realized that once they were actually sitting at our table they were very well behaved and not demanding at all. Please give this guy a chance.