How do I help my angry son?

2boyzn1girl

Wed, Oct 27 2010, 9:41 pm

My sixteen year old son is angry at everyone for no apparent reason. The truth is, he's always had ta'anis on me, and my husband. A while ago, he told me that he believes I love my other son more than him.

But in recent weeks, he's become impossible. He screams and shouts at me at the slightest provocation, and with utmost chutzpah. Today, he came home to find that I had bought him a sandwich he doesn't like. I was in the bathroom when he stepped into the house, and he called me (on the cell), ranting and raving about how could I buy him such a (ugly word) disgusting sandwich when I know he doesn't like it. The abuse went on for about 30 minutes. I told him no laptop, he became uglier. I told him he couldn't stay at the friend he wanted, and he covered his ears, then insulted me.

I honestly don't know how to deal with him. He seems to be doing well in Yeshivah. When my husband tried talking to him when he came home from work, my ds told my husband that all I want to do is make his life miserable, and all day at Yeshivah he thinks about how I 'torture' him.

Truthfully, I don't think he really believes that. I think it was an excuse (but why does he need one?). He has times when he's perfectly happy and smiley. My husband doesn't think I treat him any differently than the others, and I certainly don't love him any less.

We're thinking about therapy. If he'll agree to go that is. Anyone out there with ideas?

A mother in pain

mimishkl

Wed, Oct 27 2010, 9:51 pm

Here is a huuggg!! I had a sister like this. It came from a lack of attention I think. she needed more than the other kids at home. she went for counseling.

maybe if you spend some alone time with him and have a talk with him that the way he is talking to you ans your husband is very hurtful. and he better start changing cause no wife will live up with such attitude.

Hatzlocha

girlygirl

Wed, Oct 27 2010, 10:37 pm

counseling may certainly help. so may a quick reality check - a shocked and hurt sounding "I don't like you? I love you! I love you and that's why I thought you might like a sandwich." then walk away/hang up. He clearly needs time to cool off and think - and him thinking that you love him and he hurt your feelings is better than him thinking about how angry he is at you because of the consequences of his impulsive outburst. One way he blames you, the other way, who knows, you may get lucky and he may blame himself. good luck.

amother

Wed, Oct 27 2010, 11:51 pm

I feel your pain!

I have an angry 16 yr old also and I really miss the days when my kids were little and it was all unconditional love from them!

I want my son in therapy also. He is so quick to anger and he uses horrific language---no thanks to his father's disgusting mouth.

He is such a good kid sometimes and that mood could change in a minute and it is horrible. He knows when he hurts and when he calms down and sees that I am silent, he has said, "Can we start over. I am sorry"

There should be no need to start over with my son. I've told him that there is no way he will be getting married without getting therapy for his anger first. I know that he has a few years to go before he gets married but I want him to know that his behavior is unacceptable. Unfortunately, I have to get his father to be in agreement before I can get him therapy---and of course he won't agree.

louche

Wed, Oct 27 2010, 11:55 pm

amother wrote:

I've told him that there is no way he will be getting married without getting therapy for his anger first. I know that he has a few years to go before he gets married but I want him to know that his behavior is unacceptable.

Good for you, amother! You may be saving some young woman a lifetime of grief. Too bad more parents don't have your attitude.

2boyzn1girl

Thu, Oct 28 2010, 12:07 am

OP here. In my situation, he certainly hasn't learned the behavior from my husband, who controls his anger very well. In fact, his anger is not the kind where he loses it and then calms down. My 15 year old son has that, a short temper, but he calms down fairly quickly, and I don't sense the same kind of deep-seated cold anger that doesn't go away.

Before my son went to bed, I called him into the room and I told him, as per your advice girly girl, that I went to the store to buy him the sandwich cuz I love him, and I knew he didn't like the leftover veal roll that I had taken out of the freezer (from Yom Tov still!), and that I had forgotten that he doesn't like this particular sandwich. I told him that I loved him, and that it hurt me very much when he insults me and talks to me like that. By the time we finished, we were both crying, and I hugged him. But then he tells me, BY THE WAY, I'm not going to so and so's (my sister's) house when you're leaving town tomorrow (I told him he can't go to the friend he wanted b/c of chutzpah). But he definitely warmed up after that.

Thank you all for the advice.

amother

Thu, Oct 28 2010, 1:30 am

Must be an epidemic of angry 16 year old boys because I have one too. Amazingly he can sometimes be pleasant and helpful. When things don't go his way, it's like a volcano exploding.

I'm happy that your conversation with your DS went well. However, if this is an ongoing issue, I think you would be wise to take him for therapy.

unexpected

Thu, Oct 28 2010, 1:43 am

Sometimes empathy is the best antidote to tantrums. When u told him no laptop, no friends etc. he probly thought you weren't hearing him. Sometimes you have to punish but if you empathize at the time of the confrontation and inform him (lovingly) of the consequence later u will get through to him much better. Our teenagers are very good at putting us on the defensive and sometimes we just feel 'forced' to assert our power over them 'for their own good'. It's not. U don't have to play the game.