Is this understandable?

amother

Wed, Dec 29 2010, 2:36 am

We usually have guests, a few for each meal. Usually they are singles or young couples. Very occasionally they are families we are close to. Usually they ask to come. Currently dh has been having health problems and isn't able to help with anything. I have continued having a few, easy guests most weeks. "Easy" to me are usually singles I know well and I know I can expect to help out at the meal and stuff. Or maybe a really close friend with kids who I know is super helpful whose kids won't be an issue with mine. A single mother with a few kids asked if she could come this week. To me this family does not fall under the heading of easy guests. Also the main reason I have the guests is for my husband's morale. He likes visting with people and having guys at the table. He is not very fond of other people's kids. Ecspecially when he isn't feeling well. She knows I have had guests recently. I was considering having one or 2 single guys for one meal this week. But I said no to her. I feel bad, but I just don't think I can handle this family with a few kids this week and I don't think dh would enjoy it. Do you think that is understandable? Should I not have other guests because I said no to her? Do you think she will take it as a personal affront or is it obvious that 1-2 single guys is not the same as a single mother with a few kids?

geshmak

Wed, Dec 29 2010, 4:07 am

HindaRochel wrote:

You don't have anything to explain to her. If she asks you can say, quietly "my husband has been ill and he finds it comforting to speak with other men..."

Ouch, isn't that pouring salt on the wound of a "single" mother?
Personally, I would rather not give an excuse, than take the chance of hurting her.
I would simply say "I am sorry, but it wouldn't work out for me at the present time".

amother

Wed, Dec 29 2010, 4:40 am

I already told her that as she knows dh isn't doing well and I am not coping well enough to host her. my question wasn't what to tell her. It is what happens if I now have 1-2 single guys to cheer my dh up which I can manage because 1-2 single guys are much easier than a single woman with children. Is that something obvious? Is it insulting? In everyone's opinion do y'all think she will take it personally, like I don't like her and don't want to have her, or is she likely to understand that a family with only one parent watching a few kids is much more hectic and difficult than even a few single adults? Besides the fact that a few guys will be enjoyable for dh a woman alone that he won't be talking that much with plus some other kids he doesn't have the patience for are not. I am pushing myself to have guests for dh's benefit.

zipporah

Wed, Dec 29 2010, 4:46 am

I guess I wouldn't give it that much thought... if someone asks for a raincheck, I just think that week isn't good. If they have guests some other week (or even the same week), then I think the other people asked first or have a time specific reason for that day, or maybe are using their raincheck. I wouldn't feel ill will.

HindaRochel

Wed, Dec 29 2010, 6:10 am

geshmak wrote:

HindaRochel wrote:

You don't have anything to explain to her. If she asks you can say, quietly "my husband has been ill and he finds it comforting to speak with other men..."

Why? Her husband is ill, and he wants the company of other men. How is that insulting to a single mother? It isn't saying anything about her. Many men would prefer the company of another male...nothing against the woman. She wouldn't be saying "your kids are too noisy" she would be saying...look, he's ill. He wants some guy talk.

HindaRochel

Wed, Dec 29 2010, 6:14 am

amother wrote:

I don't think it is insulting. If she does take it personally, well imho that's her problem not yours. If she doesn't understand that your husband needs company and he would prefer male company, than it is her problem, not yours, and I wouldn't worry about it.

ora_43

Wed, Dec 29 2010, 6:52 am

HindaRochel wrote:

geshmak wrote:

HindaRochel wrote:

You don't have anything to explain to her. If she asks you can say, quietly "my husband has been ill and he finds it comforting to speak with other men..."

It's insulting because it implies that if she were married, maybe they'd want her company (along with her dh).

It also might make her self-conscious in the future, she could feel like OP's husband would prefer a man around and is only tolerating her.

ora_43

Wed, Dec 29 2010, 7:09 am

I like greentiger's advice. Or just not inviting the two guys.

Maybe she would understand that it's tougher to have her over than single guys, but that's still kind of upsetting, nobody likes to feel like they aren't an easy guest. Not that it's your fault of course, but I can see how in the mother's place I might be hurt.

Liba

Wed, Dec 29 2010, 7:38 am

Is she a next door neighbor who is going to be watching who comes and goes from your house? Does she know you didn't already have the male guests coming?

I, personally, would do the same. I am not up for guests right now, but we have a bucher coming IY"H for shabbos. He is a help when he is around and isn't any trouble. A family with kids is a lot more work and I would have to say no.

anon for this

Wed, Dec 29 2010, 8:41 am

I'm a single mother (widow) with several children k"ah. I don't eat at other people's homes on shabbos because we prefer to eat at home, but if I asked you for an invitation and was told that your dh wasn't well and would prefer not to have children around, I definitely wouldn't be offended. I don't think I'd be bothered either if I was told that it just wasn't a good week.

HindaRochel

Wed, Dec 29 2010, 11:13 am

ora_43 wrote:

I guess I would see it more in terms of his wants not his rejections, but I can see your point.