being polite? | Imamother

life'sgreat

Wed, May 25 2011, 12:59 am

amother wrote:

how nice a quality do you think being polite is, quite nice, very nice?

I personally think it's an incredibly nice quality though of course some people are just very charming on the surface only

I don't think it's a 'quality' as much as something that all of us should strive for.

zaq

Wed, May 25 2011, 9:03 am

For some people politeness may be an inborn trait, but etiquette is a learned set of rules that can be followed even by those whose essential nature is not to be that way. Politeness and charm are two different things; a person can be charming even while being quite rude, or be unlikable or downright offensive while punctiliously following the rules.

I wouldn't call it "nice" any more than I would call it "nice" to follow the rules of the road. It's not "nice", it's more like standard operating procedures that keep social traffic moving smoothly and preventing crashes.

havefaith

Wed, May 25 2011, 11:21 am

I'm confused what polite is. I have a neighbor who lets all her orders come to me then picks it up. borrows money from me. but when I see her in the street she barely says hello or smiles. then to other ladies she puts on the biggest smile and shmoozes like she's the sweetest lady. so I dont know what polite is anymore.

Fox

Wed, May 25 2011, 11:47 am

Obviously, "politeness" is subjective. What is considered "polite" in some circles would be the height of tackiness in others, and vice versa. We see this conflict all the time here on imamother!

However, I believe that there are specific characteristics that can be linked to middos that we claim to consider important:

* Attempting to see the positive in situations.
* Avoiding habitual complaining.
* Speaking in a well-modulated voice.
* Considering others' needs and wishes as important as our own.
* Attempting to help others whenever possible.
* Being generous with compliments.

Of course, this is an incomplete and unrefined list, but it covers a lot of ground. It's possible that someone could be "faking" these qualities and really being genuinely evil. But I've never understood how being unpleasant and evil is necessarily better than being pleasant and evil. Perhaps so people are inspired to avoid you? Truthfully, I don't need to take the moral temperature of everyone who crosses my path. The cashier at the drugstore may be harboring all kinds of murderous thoughts, but I'm unlikely to know about it regardless of whether she presents herself pleasantly.

My other observation is that cultivating the habits we associate with pleasant behavior actually leads to the middos associated with them. Let's face it, if you consistently do everything I listed even 75 percent of the time, you're probably going to be a pretty good person in spite of yourself. Of course, there are exceptions. We all know that Hitler was kind to animals. But barring the presence of big-ticket issues, simply doing these things most of the time is good enough!