Is it rude to call?

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Is it rude to call?

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lamplighter

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 10:43 am

I noticed a few people do this, my DH included, and I was wondering if it's ok.

Is it rude to know someone, not speak to them for months or years and then when you need advice or a favor to call and ask?

I'm not talking about a relative that you should be in touch with or a friend that you got into a fight with or stopped calling for no reason. I'm saying stam a person you used to know and spend time with.

life'sgreat

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 10:47 am

lamplighter wrote:

My personal opinion is that yes, it borders on rude (or at least not very nice) and I avoid doing that. But I've come to realize that most people don't feel that way.

Sherri

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 10:52 am

Why is it rude? Do you look at it like using the person?

This is an opportunity to re-connect. You would only have contact with people with whom your contact is consistent? There is an ebb and flow in life, and these are the opportunities to speak to each other again!

Obviously your connection was one that you feel comfortable enough now to call... "Oh, I remember my old neighbor was an expert about such-and-such, let me see if I can dig up his number."

About a favor- I am not uncomfortable when people ask me for one, I am just not as inclined to put myself out as much. I probably would feel funny calling for a favor from such a person, though. I guess it depends on the circumstances.

Kugglegirl

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 10:54 am

I did this recently with a teacher I'd worked as an assistant to years ago. She is a real expert in kria & I have a kid who was struggling. She seemed happy to give me some advice & I think sheps nacas that I am raising a frum family.

I think if it is someone who has a specialty & is in chinuch & the call is not at an unreasonable time (like not 20 minutes before lict, or 10:30 pm at night) people would be happy to hear a question & help. I see that the leading rabbaim & rebizins are taking calls all the time. One rebbizin puts the phone off the hook if she does not want to be disturbed for an hour or so.

Regarding friends & acquaintances-- I think it's reasonable to call with a reason, or not outrageous request--like "We are going to be in your city & wonder if there is a resturaunt/mincha minyan etc." & If they really want to see you they will ask if you will be in for long, or if you want to come for dinner to them instead.

Kugglegirl

mominlkwd

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 11:02 am

Yeah, I think it's rude. I had a "friend" who did this to me a few times. Now when she calls I just ignore her. She doesn't let me know when anything new happens in her life but if something juicy happens to me she'll randomly call fishing for info (even if it's not happy news). Or if she feels like she's not capable that week she'll call and invite herself for a shabbos meal. The first few times I found it rude but now I find it obnoxious.

I do think it's different for men though. My DH gets calls from old friends all the time when they want advice or info. He will also call old classmates from years back to track down someone he needs to get in touch with etc. I notice that while I have a few close friends my DH will tell me "oh shloimy, he and I are REALLY close" even though they haven't spoken since the Mir 10+ years ago. So I think maybe for men it's more accepted than for woman.

lamplighter

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 11:03 am

I personally think it's rude to call (although when people call me for chinuch things, and quite often too, I don't feel used, I feel like - glad I could help, next).
I think it comes from this new-age phenomenon called networking and I'm wondering if it's ok or we have become so impersonal these days - that it's become ok for some people.

seeker

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 11:24 am

I think it depends on the nature of the favor and the nature of the relationship.

I'm ok with saying "Hi old friend, I can't believe it's been so long since we talked... do you have old former acquaintance's phone number? And how's life?"

But if I dropped the 'friend' because I just wasn't interested anymore, I would think it's pretty low to ask a real favor of them as a friend.

zaq

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 11:35 am

To call someone you dropped just to ask advice or a favor is beyond rude. It's called "using people", even if all it is is to ask if they have someone's phone number.If you've had nothing to do with each other in five years and out of the blue you call, better make sure it's just a friendly call to reconnect. If you ask any favor, even if hidden in the middle of chitchat, it will be obvious that that was the reason for your call.

otoh, there are no rules about how often you have to connect to friends. If your relationship is such that you connect a few times a year and a few months have gone by, no problem. But if it's been years? Forget it. Reconnect first. People aren't stupid and they can tell when they're being used.

Liba

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 12:04 pm

Calling for a recipe or piece of advice would be fine. Calling for a favor or looking for free professional advice (like a dentist friend when a tooth got knocked out or an accountant with help on your taxes) isn't so nice.

I have friends who I am only in touch with once or twice a year to check in. We call about mazal tovs as well. I would call them if I wanted their lemon cake recipe as well. Smile

Happy 2B

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 12:12 pm

advice a discussion no problem.. a favor very rude.. even family... I don't appreciate that my family only calls when they need something from me... If you are going to call me for favors then call me when I'm ill when it's my anniversary etc.

red sea

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 12:46 pm

I do it once in a while, just did it last week, but I hope its not too rude, not that it feels too comfortable doing. There are people you know and are friendly with that if not for a move or job change or a carpool change etc you would still be friendly with but life is so busy, busy, busy and for most people I know its that way. I am genuinly happy top get to catch up with them besides for whatever the pressing matter that got me to squeeze in a human phone call (as opposed to text, email, etc) When you meet up with them its still the same relationship as before - nothing changed but the circumstance of having them around day to day. But if you bumped into them you would certainly talk & catch up.

But if a person only calls numerous times, only when they need things that would just be using and rude. Unless of course youre one of the people who are impossible to get on the phone, if youre that you gotta give more leeway.

Idk I think you need a sixth sense to feel out - is it rude using or is the relationship genuine and thats how "long distance" relationships work out sometimes.

Fox

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 12:56 pm

Liba wrote:

groisamomma

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 12:58 pm

If you were very close at one time, or if that person is an expert at whatever your question is then it's not rude. Do make sure to call at least once to update them afterward so they don't feel used.

irrationalrose

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 1:08 pm

I would prefer to email. When you call you put someone on the spot, if you send your question/request in writing they can ignore you if they think you are being rude and can answer if they want to.

MiracleMama

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 1:14 pm

Fox wrote:

Liba wrote:

Agreed.

paprika

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 1:15 pm

When a caller excuses themselves for only calling when they need something, I always say, "so need more things. At least were keeping contact. It doesn't matter what the reason is." The reasons are usually for recipes, telephone numbers, or advice.

mgs

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 3:25 pm

I dont think its a yes and no q.
it depends on the person you ask- if its someone that likes doing favors for others- the opinon would be "whats the problem"
but if its not that kind of person the opinion will be "noway, thats rude, shes just using me out..."

life'sgreat

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 3:55 pm

zaq wrote:

I don't think it's always deliberately 'dropped'.

zaq

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 8:01 pm

life'sgreat wrote:

zaq wrote:

I don't think it's always deliberately 'dropped'.

no, it can be "drifted apart" "went their separate ways" "got busy with other things" but the fact remains that you didn't make it your business to keep up with them. Now that you need something from them you suddenly remember they're alive? Sorry, Charlie, that's rude. Because you know, people make the time to keep up with the people who are important to them. Not necessarily every day or every week--you can be very good pals with someone you speak to or email three-four times a year, and if you spoke to them 3 mos. ago and are now calling for a favor, fine. But if you haven't been in touch at all at all since your graduation or since you left the firm where you both worked or something like that, and then you call and start shmoozing and then casually ask "say, would you mind if my dd borrowed your wedding gown", well, people aren't dumb.

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