DH is having a hard time with me being in school :-(

amother

Mon, Jul 18 2011, 10:29 pm

We need a higher income, so I went back to school and am currently taking a very intense courseload. My husband is getting frustrated by the fact that suppers have gotten a lot simpler, cleaning is not getting done as well as it used to, and (most of all) that I need him to watch the kids at night and on Sundays (my classes are at night, and I study for most of the day on Sunday). (We don't have the money for babysitters, and we don't have family nearby.)

What can I do to make the situation easier for my husband?

Up until now I was a SAHM who made him the elaborate suppers he likes, and who sat and listened to him talk about his day when he came home. Now I just don't have time. I want to find the time to give him the attention he wants, but how? I need every spare second to study. The program I'm doing is hard; I can't slack off. I don't think the issue is time management. I make sure all the stuff my family needs is taken care of, and I'm pretty proud of myself for taking care of everybody as well as I am. My husband is just having a hard time adjusting to all the changes in lifestyle, especially the increased demands on him.

It bothers me because I don't like him feeling upset. It also bothers me because I feel he sees it as him doing me a favor by watching the kids or doing the dishes (which he never used to have to do), and I don't like how grouchy he gets if I don't thank him a million times. I want him to really feel like we're a team working together toward a mutual goal. Right now I think that he feels like it's my goal rather than his, even though we agreed on my going back to school and he's very supportive of the idea in theory. The reality of me being busy is what's hard for him.

Please help me figure out how to make DH happy and pleasant to be around again!!

Tal

Mon, Jul 18 2011, 11:02 pm

First, Good luck with school!

A couple of suggestions come to mind.

You mentioned dishes so I am assuming you don't have a dishwasher. Can plastic do?
I saw (and bought) boxes of 400 spoons (forks & knives too) for $3.99.

At least he will not have dishes.

How long is your semester?

I don't know the age of the children, maybe you can stock up on things to entertain them that will make it easier on DH? puzzles, crayons, books. (will he let them watch dvd?)

Find something DH enjoys doing, get something like that in children's version (not expensive) that DH will enjoy teaching/doing with children.

Fancy meals might have to wait Sad

unless you can find recepis that look nice but are really quick), let me know if I should try thinking of something. (what does dh like?).

Tal

Tue, Jul 19 2011, 12:13 pm

I am sure dh had a theoredical idea of what will happen, but as time goes on it is getting hard on him!
(many men have a harder time with domestic chores)

I don't think it is wise to fuel the fire setting dw against dh.

I think trying to find some ideas that can help the situation is wiser, especialy since it is temporary, (until dw finishes school).

Why should they left with hard feeling?

morah

Tue, Jul 19 2011, 12:46 pm

I can definitely understand where DH is coming from. Assuming he agreed to you going back to school, he probably knew in his head that this would happen but didn't truly understand what it meant until you actually got to this point. Remind him that you 2 agreed to this, and this is how it works. He needs to learn now how non-SAHM families work, because this isn't just until you finish school- you said in your post that you are going to school with the intention of using that for a job (as opposed to just getting a degree to keep in your back pocket 'just in case'). The fact is, when both parents work, both parents have to pitch in at home. Doesn't have to be 50-50 (it often isn't, and it is usually the woman who does the larger-than-50% share, but such is life), but it has to happen. Decide now what will be his chores (start small); also decide what you can do without (does the house really need to be spotless? Does dinner really need to be fresh and cooked to order every night?). Once you are working, you may be able to afford some household help; or maybe you will choose to save the money but keep lower standards of housekeeping. In any event, these discussions need to take place.

Of course, you should thank your husband. I think you should let him know that you appreciate that now is a time of transition, and you understand that it is difficult to have to change the way you've been doing things for the past X years. Yes, this is what comes with your (hopefully mutual) decision to go to school/work outside the home, but that doesn't make it less difficult to adapt. Tell him you know he can do it and offer lots of encouragement, and take it in steps.

amother

Tue, Jul 19 2011, 10:30 pm

It's cute how everyone has a different view! Thanks for your advice. It's true that I need to find time, somehow, to make sure DH feels like he has my attention. Maybe I can suggest a nightly 20-minute chat after the kids finally fall asleep. If it's scheduled it's more likely to happen.

It's true that household stuff and childcare doesn't come naturally to him, so maybe the suggestion of getting more toys and "fun" stuff that he can do with the kids will work. I went out and bought playdough and new crayons, hopefully that will help.

That's a good point about how this is how things are going to be forever, not just now, since I'm going to be working after I finish school. I won't tell him that now, it would depress him I think. But I think I need to get out of this mentality that this is only a temporary thing, and help DH (subtly) learn more skills around the house. One thing I would love for him to learn is how to cook. Unfortunately we've had kashrus problems on the few occasions where he's tried (he learned basar and chalav for smicha, but somehow actually cooking confuses him, and he tends to treif things up). But probably over time it would come more naturally to him.

Does anyone have recommendations for a systematic way to teach a man to cook? He isn't intuitive. He needs lots of instructions and precise measurements. Is there a good cookbook out there for someone like him?

Thanks ladies!

Blueberry Muffin

Wed, Jul 20 2011, 8:20 pm

amother wrote:

Does anyone have recommendations for a systematic way to teach a man to cook? He isn't intuitive. He needs lots of instructions and precise measurements. Is there a good cookbook out there for someone like him?

I think the best way for him to learn to do simple cooking is to show/demonstrate it to him - step by step themeals ur family likes.

good luck to you in school!

morah

Wed, Jul 20 2011, 8:27 pm

For the cooking, I would suggest teaching him some "building block" recipes. Simple stuff like eggs, pasta, rice, steaming veggies. Also teach him a few basic sauces- stuff that can just be thrown on chicken or steamed veggies or pasta. That way, he doesn't need to get overwhelmed trying to do something fancy, but you can rely on him to get a wholesome meal on the table when needed.

chatz

Thu, Jul 21 2011, 1:24 pm

20 minutes a night with DH is good, but going out once a week (or every other week) is also really good. Can you find 2-3 hours that both your schedules can accommodate, get a babysitter, and go for a kid-free walk or something? Invest in couple time - it's important.

I also agree that he agreed to this new schedule in theory but finds it difficult in practice. You've spoiled him (nothing wrong, really), but now the situation has changed and you need him to pitch in more. Transition is difficult.

I don't agree that your husband needs to cook. Find out what he prefers to do. Maybe he would like to cook but doesn't know how - or maybe he wouldn't be able to stand it. Maybe he prefers to do laundry or cleaning or shopping or something else rather than cook. The key is that between the two of you, you need to do X, Y, and Z together.