please help | Imamother

amother

Wed, Aug 10 2011, 8:30 am

My 10 year old dd has been invited to go the country for shabbos to my parents and dd doesnt want to go coz she gets very homesick. My parents invited her only if she promises not to cry and be in a good mood. (last year she was there and was crying both friday and shabbos night)

My question is if I need to push her to go adn tell her to behave and not cry, jsut to push away any homesick thoughts? And, how is she ever going to learn to be away for a few days? She is getting big and she has to learn..

Please advise me. Thank you..

Fabulous

Wed, Aug 10 2011, 8:39 am

Ten is still a little young and some kids are homesick forever. I don't think it's something you have to push, especially not at that age, she will resent it. Why can't you all go as a family and then maybe the next week, she herself if she wants.

amother

Wed, Aug 10 2011, 8:40 am

My experience is that they seem to know when they are ready. One of my dds asked to go to camp at age 7, the other only wanted day camps in the city. The one who didn't want to go away started going on youth programs to Israel as a teenager and now she lives there.

On the other hand, I was sent to sleep-over camp when I was 13 and cried for 2 weeks solid, but everyone was very nice about it and just before they were ready to send me home, I snapped out of it and had a good time and learned some useful skills. But as I said, nobody was critical of my feeling homesick, they empathized. That's an important part of it.

Anon1

Wed, Aug 10 2011, 8:41 am

I don't see why she has to be pushed into something she isn't ready for...it takes longer for some kids to be comfortable. Maybe start her out with a one night,closer to home sleepover,so she knows if she gets scared or homesick,you can come right away to pick her up(And do pick her up if she does call and ask). A two day, far away from you trip seems like a bit much for this particular kid.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Aug 10 2011, 4:59 pm

I hear you. My 8yo dd has terrible separation anxiety.*

IMHO, if you push your dd to go and she has a bad time, she'll only be worse. It will reinforce her feelings that she can't be away from you without getting upset, and she'll feel like everyone thinks she's a big baby. Some kids are just really attached to home, parents and security. Let her grow up at her own pace, and when it's her decision to go she'll really feel like a big girl. Until then, don't let her feel like you're trying to "get rid of her for a while". I know that's not what you're doing, but that's how kids interpret it.

*My poor DH would love to go on vacation with me for a week, but not only would dd freak out and cry the whole time, but last time we went away with her she insisted in sleeping in our room, even though she had her own bedroom set up right next to ours. I told him "Look, she'll only be little for a short while, and we have the rest of our lives together. It's only a week, you can live without 'it' until we get home!" Wink

(We're newly married, my dd is from a previous marriage.)

Barbara

Wed, Aug 10 2011, 5:33 pm

amother wrote:

No. You don't need to push her. When she's ready, she'll be ready. There is no *need* for her to go away at this point, unless there's something you haven't mentioned.

When she is ready, I'd suggest that she try a weekend nearby, so she knows that she can come home if she really wants to. Knowing that she can come home may make it easier for her not to want to come home.

I also think that your parents are putting too much pressure on her to be happy and not miss you, and that may be making her even more nervous. I know it would have made me more nervous.

shalhevet

Wed, Aug 10 2011, 11:39 pm

No way. If it might have worked, it certainly won't work with your parents pressurizing that she mustn't cry - so if she does get upset, instead of sympathy, she's going to get told off for breaking her promise!

Why does she "have to learn" to be away. It'll come in its time - I promise you she won't be homesick after her wedding.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Aug 10 2011, 11:44 pm

shalhevet wrote:

LOL, I know plenty of young kallahs who get terribly homesick. As soon as they have their first fight, you can bet she wants to run back home to her mama! Some people just don't adjust to change well. The thing is, pushing it too soon isn't going to help anything. It is what it is.

amother

Thu, Aug 11 2011, 9:21 am

Op here.

Thanks for all your replies. The thing is my dd is gonna love it there, she has lots of friends there. Its only at night that she gets homesick so I was trying to tell her to focus on the fun part.

I did leave it to her to decide and she chose not to.

I just feel bad for her coz I know she would love it...

amother

Thu, Aug 11 2011, 9:56 am

morah wrote:

Can she go when it's not Shabbos so that you can come and get her if need be?

Its not an option coz its 3 hour drive.

Last year I went for a week till thursday adn she stayed over shabbos. she loved it till going to sleep and then started crying coz she cudnt fall asleep. thats what shes afraid of going now again.

Anyway, I hope she grows out of this soon. Will she never go to camp? thats my worry

ElTam

Thu, Aug 11 2011, 12:10 pm

I would not send my child to a place where she "has" to be happy and not cry if she feels sad/homesick. End of discussion.

When my kids are with their grandparents, they know to be on their best behavior (with consequences for fighting, bad manners, etc.), so that's not what I am saying.

She will get over it in time, but she will have a lot easier time getting over it if there are people who say, "I know you feel a little sad, bubbeleh. It's totally normal to miss your Ima and Abba, especially on Shabbos. Why don't we read a story together to help you take your mind off of it."

To be told in advance that she's only welcome if she's happy in and doesn't cry pretty much guarantees that she won't feel safe, that she won't feel happy and that she will cry. Sorry to be harsh, but that's how I see it.