When my 9 y.o. is caught lying, she attacks or runs away

amother

Mon, Aug 29 2011, 8:04 pm

This has happened more than once over the past few years. DD has honesty issues. When she was 6, she even took things from stores and from her teacher a few times, until I found out and laid down the law. B"H, she doesn't do that any more, but she still can be very deceptive.

Here's what happened today, which is fairly typical when she gets caught. (Background info -- I'm not a tyrant with my kids when it comes to davening, because I want it to be a positive experience. Perhaps as a result, all my kids, including this one, are frequently complimented for their kavana. So if any one of them has a bad day and tells me that they aren't up to doing their usual job, I'd just have them say a minimum and praise them for doing so.)

Me: "You need to finish your "must-do's". If you get them all done by 10:00, we can do something special today."

DD: Doesn't say anything, but starts getting dressed quickly.

I go to help younger brother get dressed and daven, stopping to help brush DD's hair when she is ready. Afterwards, I remind her she has to daven.

I go down to start make breakfast for other kids. DD is reading. I remind her that she has to finish her jobs on time. No response. I tell her that she must put the book down and get to her jobs. After a few minutes, she comes downstairs, holding her book.

Me: "Did you daven?"

DD: "Yes."

I remember that I saw her siddur in a different room from where she had been.

Me: If you davened, then can you tell me where your siddur is?

DD: It's on my table.

Me: Care to come upstairs with me and show me?

We go upstairs. Siddur is not there.

Me: So, let me ask you again -- did you daven?

DD: It's not fair! Someone took my siddur; of course I couldn't daven. Who would do a mean thing like that?

Me: Right now, I'm more concerned about the truth. I will get you your siddur, and I want you to really daven. But even more important, I'd like you to tell the truth about what happened.

DD has a major blowup, is insulting and rude. I put her in a time-out. At the end, I tell her that she still needs to complete her jobs. She continues attacking everyone else ("How come you always yell at me when you lie because not putting my siddur back in my room for me was a kind of lying, too, you know"), and not acknowledging her lie. I tell her that everyone makes mistakes, but what I am looking for from her is the owning up, so that she can do teshuva and move on. I tell her that it's like a splinter or a sore that gets infected when you don't wash it -- you have to clean your wrongdoing by admitting it, that's the first part of teshuva. She rolls her eyes and tells me that she hates lectures and won't be paying attention to a word I say.

At the end of it all, we are both furious, and I feel like I didn't get through in the least.

Obviously, I'm doing something wrong. Yes, she has a therapist (she has ADHD), who is on vacation at the moment, but hasn't been particularly helpful about this kind of thing up till now.

Anyone here have any ideas?