daughter started new high school - help!

amother

Tue, Sep 06 2011, 11:22 pm

Hi all - my daughter started at a new high school this year due to our moving into a new neighborhood. She has a few camp acquaintances, but no good friends. She is in 10th grade.

My heart hurts for her! She is such a good kid, very open and friendly, she has no "schtick" to her, and she doesn't understand it. She came home and said the class seems very "cliquey", not like her old school at all. She doesn't understand the stares, she doesn't understand why when she waves at a girl she knows, the girl doesn't respond.

On the plus side, she did get invited to sit at a friend's table for lunch, and my daughter understands it's a new school, it will take time.

But I wish I had some words to help her when despite the positives, she says she feels so alone at school. Any ideas of how to make this an easier transition for her? For example tonight when she said she knows some of the kids are open to her, but still during the times in class when everyone is talking while waiting for the teacher, she just sits alone. What would you suggest to your daughter? I suggested she call one of the girls she sat with at lunch. Make up a pretense, such as asking for help with homework, and then just chat. Then she'll feel closer to her at school the next day. My daughter thought that was a dumb idea.

What would you suggest? What words would you use to help your daughter get through this? Thanks!

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Sep 07 2011, 12:30 am

Buy her very nice clothes, the right jewelry or watch, the things that are in now. Spend what it takes. Make sure her hair is nice.

Make sure she eats well at breakfast, proteins and fats, not sugars. Get up, and make her breakfast, and sit with her as she eats, and also see her off. And make sure she gets enough sleep.

Be very accepting of her in other ways. This is not a problem. This is just a transition. Don't say anything more about it, IMHO.

Shower love, food and money, and mind your business.

MaBelleVie

Wed, Sep 07 2011, 12:38 am

Your idea was good, but of course a teen thought it was dumb Wink

She actually seems to be doing pretty well considering. Yes, its an adjustment, and it won't happen overnight. Most classes seem cliquey to an outsider, once she is part of them she probably won't think so anymore. How does she get to school? It might be easier to make small talk with classmates on the bus than in a full classroom. A good opening line is a genuine compliment: "I love your sweater/shoes/watch. Where did you get it?" Or seeing a picture on someone's notebook and asking "what camp did you go to?"

Good luck!

amother

Wed, Sep 07 2011, 9:45 pm

Thanks so much for your replies and comments. I do get up with her every morning for breakfast, which is nice bonding time. Sometimes, though, I'm making the lunches, so I'll try to make certain I am focusing on her. They wear uniforms to school, so I can make sure she has the right shoes and jewelry. I think she's OK in that department, but I can make certain.

Maybe the larger question, is how do we build confidence in our kids? She did meet one other new girl, who, according to dd, is just gliding through school, with all sorts of friends. My dd is quiet, shy, and trying very hard to step up and introduce herself. She is doing well, girls seem to be friendly and inviting her to sit with them, but she still feels alone.

How do I help her banish, or at least cope with, that gnawing feeling of just not belonging?

ellie23

Wed, Sep 07 2011, 11:36 pm

I just had to reply to this one as my high school experience was similar in that I came with no friends at all and in 9th grade and had a very hard time...it will take time for her to find some true friends and one of the worst things she can do is to try and pretend to be like "the cool girls" in order to join thembecause even if she is invited to join them, she will never be able to stop pretending and be herself because they will dump her for that! instead encourage her to be true to herself and the right friends for her will naturally join her...also, it may be a good idea for you to spend time having fun with her when you can and making her home life very positive and happy..give her space to experiment with who she is and also be there to guide her as a parent hwen she needs you...other than that there is not much you can do! adolescence is an exciting and challenging time for everyone!

ChaniH

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 1:31 am

Dolly Welsh wrote:

you don't need to buy her new things to help her oi think that's a terrible idea, why pretend to be someone your not. I do know that when I was in high school one of my teachers came up to me and asked me to invite one of our new girls over for shabbos, we ended up becoming really good friends, why not talk to her main teacher ans see what she can do, but yo have to make sure its done in a sensitive way, you don't want to embarrass her, teens can be very sensitive