What is expected of me - long term guest

amother

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 8:32 am

So I'm going to have a guest stay here every Shabbos for about 4 months.

I had offered her a place to sleep. Now I find out she's expecting all her meals as well. It's just dh and I, and generally I don't make a whole fancy meal when it's just the two of us, but now with a third person am I expected to make a full Shabbos dinner and lunch? (FYI she's single and doesn't really realize how much work goes into making a Shabbos meal.) - I don't buy things at the store - challah, desserts etc b/c of the price. It's much cheaper for me to make at home, but now I'll have to make them. (B/c when it's just dh and I we'll just pull some challah buns out of the freezer, but I wouldn't serve them to guests.)

DH says to just realize that I've been given an option to do a mitzvah and I should grin and bear it, but I'm not happy and am really dreading all this work! WWYD?

suzyq

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 9:01 am

I totally hear you on that - we have singles over a lot and they will let us know last minute or ask to bring extra friends (or just show up with them) and they seem to have no clue that it actually takes a lot of work to pull it all together (especially since I work a full day on Friday so I need to have everything done by Thursday night). In this situation, though, is there any way to try to introduce this person to other people in the community who would host her for meals? Or does she know anyone else in the area who she can go to for meals? You can be very honest with her and tell her that you cook very simply for just you and DH and while you are ok having her for some meals (if you are), you aren't really up for all the work of getting elaborate meals together every week.

If you are really not comfortable with all that, I don't think it needs to be super elaborate for one extra person. Make one-dish meals, use your crock pot, ask her to bring dessert or challah. You can make a very nice seudah without it being super labor-intensive. Good luck!

SplitPea

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 9:26 am

I would be honest with her or you might have resentment. Let her know you are happy to have her for a meal X times a month but more than that would really be more than you can do. Maybe offer to help her find people to eat out by (shabbat.com?) Ask around at shul etc. If yiou host her and have her for meals because you HAVE to you are likely to dread her coming and really harbor ill feelings and thats not good. giving her a place to stay is a LOT. Maybe offer to be meals for her in the weeks where she cannot find where to go.

we had a family living in our basement full time for a week,. they were going to be living with another family in their guest room but we thought that sleeping here would give them their own space. what we DID NOT know is that the other family had offered to have them join them for all the meals that week (I offered my kitchen so they could cook) we are low on money etc and could not have a family of 4 join us for meals for a week. In the end the slept here and ate by the other family it worked out. I know it might have been NICE for me to have them for all meals but that was more than I could have done... I was sooo happy we talked about it before and saved hard feelings.

grace413

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 9:38 am

Just serve her the same thing you would be eating anyway. Pull out 3 challah buns instead of two. Make a little more of whatever you usually make.

You are doing her a favor. You don't need to offer gourmet meals.

I also like the suggestion of trying to find meals for her other places now and then. It will be good for both of you.

amother

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 9:40 am

When I was single I relied on invitations most weeks for Shabbat.

Many of the people in my community would invite guests, say, one a month and make a huge fancy seuda and occasionally would invite me to that meal.

There was one couple though who I got on really well with and they invited me many times, often when they had no other guests. Sometimes we would have no more than soup and challah but it didn't matter. I really appreciated the relaxed atmoshpere and after I got married it helped me to realise that I didn't need to stress myself out making a fancy 4 course meal every week. If I had never experienced Shabbat with this family I would have thought that a fancy spread was expected of me every week and in fact, I enjoyed the meals with that family far more than any others.

So in answer to your question, I would do exactly what you usually do for Shabbat. I am sure it will be wonderful anyway!

Definitely introduce your guest to a few people in the community though and try to get her invited out a few times just to give yourself some breathing space.

CatLady

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 9:52 am

Since she's going to be your guest for the next four months, she gets "bumped" to the level of quasi-member-of-the-family IMHO. Therefore, no need to get any more elaborate than you normally would. This is an excellent chance for her to see that not all Shabbat dinners are catered as if Will and Kate were going to attend, and that who's around the table is more important than what's on the table. By making her feel truly welcome, instead of conveying the notion that having her is an imposition, it will be a real kiddush Hashem. Over the next few months, you'll get used to each other and hopefully bond.

farm

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 1:29 pm

amother wrote:

What a fabulous post! There are times when I really have to push myself to invite singles because it is so much extra work and not time-effective since I am spending the same amount of time cooking a more elaborate meal but only have one extra person enjoy it instead of a whole family. It is really very enlightening to hear from a former single guest's perspective that the company and conversation is the important part and a simple meal is fine. Now that she wrote it, it is so obvious, but somehow I feel too self-conscious to have a guest and keep the meal as simple as I keep it when it's just us. I will really keep this in mind for the future.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 1:57 pm

Right. She is a family member, for the time being. She will like it much better that way! Have you considered what she must be thinking? The awkwardness of being a longterm guest, with everybody tiptoeing around? Much better to be a temporary family member; she won't feel so much like an intruder.

Right, we pray to G-d, not to Martha Stewart. Simple is ok too.

Let this new daughter HELP with the cooking and the work. Get flour on her hands. Shop, chop and stir. Shlep stuff from the kitchen, and light with you. Help clear. But not wash.

By physically helping, she will learn skills for her future as a Shabbat hostess - and, her mitzvah of keeping Shabbat will go up many points, Above.

naomi2

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 7:09 pm

firstly, thats really nice of you to take her in. I think she really just needs a place to be and general support from you. she wont be depressed if there aren't many dishes at your table. when its just me and my husband we have defrosted challa rolls, chicken, and two veggie sides. sometimes dessert. its happened a few times that my husband brought home a single unexpected guest for the meal and it turned out just fine. in fact, it was better than fine because is could have been really long and awkward with so many courses. embarrassed

just as long as there is enough of whatever dish you are making, keep your meals as you would.
another thing to consider is, if it becomes a burden to you to cook more food to 'impress' the guest, you could come to resent the guest and the mitzva won't be as beautiful.

tsiggelle

Sat, Sep 10 2011, 6:40 pm

yes, if you freeze the challos when they cool down they usually taste quite fresh right after defrosting.

my usual rule when having guests for meals is same quality-bigger quantity. I know there are people who dont agree, but in this way I end up saying no only if I need my family for myself or if I am not feeling up to hosting at the moment. but whether I have the strength/will to cook for guests doesnt come into question , as I usually only increase the quantity.

I have seen that a calm hostess is all it takes to make that difference. (yes, you do need to be hygienic as well!)

amother

Sat, Sep 10 2011, 9:32 pm

OP, I know exactly how you feel! I also make far more elaborate meals when we have guests - even extended family members - anyone besides me and DH warrants a much fancier meal.

Anyway, these days I blame it on the baby and because of his schedule, we're not hosting Friday nights. After licht bentching, I spend an hour with him / putting him to bed etc. and we never know when we're going to eat.

Since she's sleeping by you, I think you have some responsibility towards her - I'd find a place to send her each week Friday night for the meal and invite her to stay each week Shabbos day. I'd also be upfront and have an honest conversation with her about why I'm busy with the baby and just not up to hosting - also since we never know when we're going to eat, I feel it would be unfair to guests to make them wait...

G'luck!

allgood

Sat, Sep 10 2011, 9:49 pm

I agree with a lot of previous posters who said you can hav ethe same kind of meal you usually have, just make sure you have a bit more. I would suggest also helping her meet others in your community and then if she did want something more for her shabbos meals she could always go out to someone else.
I really think that the company and a bit of food is the most important part and she will be happy with what you are offering.

amother

Sat, Sep 10 2011, 10:36 pm

OP Here:

Thanks for everyone's replies, especially to the amother who posted about her experience as a single woman. I didn't make such an elaborate meal. Yes, it was more than I usually do, but I think I'll find a good balance.

First of all I just want to say that I'm happy to have her stay with us. She's a friend and I know that due to the situation that no one else can actually have her for such an extended time.

I just get overwhelmed with the cooking and cleaning. When it's just dh and I (and the babies) I don't feel like I need to clean or cook so much. Perhaps this is a chance for me to get more organized and clean and cook more during the week!

I definitely struggle with always remembering that I'm doing good for other people instead of thinking of myself. It's something I'm always working on!

Thanks again!

Chana Miriam S

Sat, Sep 10 2011, 11:31 pm

is there a reason she cannot provide dinner every three weeks? this is how we do it with my parents. we always eat here and periodically they buy a meal at the kosher place and we don't cook. they always bring a bottle of wine or something as well. I don't think that it is unreasonable to tell people that they are welcome but that it is expensive to have guests and that you expect them to contribute when they join you for a meal. it does not have to be real food. when we have students, I ask them to bring a $3 buck thing of grape juice. you know? its the principle of the thing.

I have guests almost every single week. I also work like crazy and have my husband commute. this week I catered shabbat dinner for 30 and lunch for over 300 at shul and still had guests. of course, we ate what the catering order was, but our guests brought a bottle of wine.

I also tell people that because I get crazy busy (and swim team doesn't even start till next week) that should they want to join us and are ok for eating peanut butter sandwiches (well, really, make your own hand roll sushi is sort of like pb and j in our house) then they are always welcome. sometimes ppl just dont' want to be along.

and sometimes you might want to be alone, so feel free to say that too.