College age DD complains about never having food

amother

Sun, Oct 02 2011, 8:23 pm

My daughter is college age, so this seemed the closest place to post this. Let me know if there is a more appropriate place.

DD is in college in a city which is not near where we live. She transferred there from another college which is nearer and in which she was living in the dorms. Now she is living off campus (they didn't have available on campus housing). We had agreed on a budget before she went there, which we feel pretty confident should be enough for food & misc. and I did go down there with her. Prices there are NOT higher than what they are where we live. (We pay her living expenses, like rent, electricity directly).

Now that she's down there, she is complaining every week that she doesn't have enough money for food. She calls DH and complains she has nothing to eat but potatoes and tuna. I talked to her about what she's spending and the figures that she gave for gas money just don't add up. (She lives 4 miles from campus, but she's spending 40 a week on gas).

We gave her for two weeks a temporary boost in $$ so she could stock up her pantry, but today she called again to say she has no food. I think we should just tell her that she has to live within the budget as planned and I'd like to put money on a food store purchase card instead of giving her cash. DH disagrees and thinks we should just keep giving her more money. I don't think that that will solve the problem --I think she just doesn't know how to budget. Suggestions?

Fabulous

Sun, Oct 02 2011, 8:42 pm

Several points:

Either you can give her a food card as you suggested, but she may think you don't trust her (which you don't, but I hear ya)

Or you can tell her that the math is right and if she needs more $$ she should get a part time JOB!! SHOCKER! I know! I went to sem, full time college, and worked 16 hours a week. Plus I occasionally made supper and helped out at home. If I could manage to do it with such a crazy schedule, I'm sure she could fit in a few hours a week of work.

amother

Sun, Oct 02 2011, 9:43 pm

I would suggest that you tell her you are open to revising the budget as you dont want her to go hungry but you would like to help her put together a budget and see where she may need more money for things. Tell her to save every single receipt and write down every purchase for two weeks. then you can sit down and review with her. explain that you are willing to re-evaluate the budget but you just want to help your put her budget together. As another poster said perhaps there could eve be a problem like a leaking gas tank or high utilities.If DD doesn't do as you've asked then you know she has something she isn't telling you or she's decided it's not important enough to her to reevaluate the budget. If you keep giving more money without figuring out with her where it's going she will never learn how to budget.

Perhaps she needs help cutting costs? any chance she is eating out? maybe she needs to learn how to cook cost effective foods? some recipe books?

On another note, I think it's wonderful you do so much for your daughter. My parents are also very generous and give me plenty of money each month on top of paying my tuition. Between health insurance, exorbitant utility costs and sky-high gas prices I was running out half-way through the month....so I got a job working 30 hours per week rather than ask them for more money. My parents are quite wealthy and I know they can afford it, but it just didn't seem right.

Do you mind me asking how much you give her? and what her costs are?

amother

Sun, Oct 02 2011, 11:05 pm

We are paying for all her college and related bills (including books, parking fees, rent and utilities). She is supposed to pay for gas for the car, food and incidentals (like cosmetics, and so forth) out of the budget that we give her. She resists having me take a close look at how she's spending her money, and won't give details. We are a family of 4 and her budget is 1/4 of the family budget for those items. So we are giving her proportionally the same amount we are living off of.

Raisin

Mon, Oct 03 2011, 5:08 am

I think it really depends on what you can afford. I also paid for a lot of that stuff myself when I was that age.

Is she buying a lot of takeout or ready made food? She might be used to that, and the thought of cooking a pot of pasta may be beyond her.

How about figuring a way to get cheaper groceries, maybe from amazon? So you can pay for that directly. she might be buying all her food from expensive convenience stores.

shanie5

Mon, Oct 03 2011, 12:34 pm

If she wont give details or let you see her receipts, I would suspect that the money is not being spent where it should be. Or that she is feeding others besides herself. Or living on take out which is much more expensive than cooking for herself.

If this were my child, I would not give any extra money until I saw the receipts to explain the need.

suzyq

Mon, Oct 03 2011, 1:01 pm

I agree with others who suggest that if she won't show you her receipts and exactly where the money is going, then the next step is to tell her that she will have to buy extra food with her own money. You have mentioned that she already has a job, but you haven't said what she is doing with that money. For someone who is college age, it is appropriate to tell her that if she can't live off of what you are giving her (and it sounds like you are more than generous), that she will have to make up the difference.

Tamiri

Tue, Oct 04 2011, 1:25 am

She has a CAR? Who is paying maint, insurance, registration etc?
OP it seems as though you have been over indulgent (not criticism, just stating a fact) and it may be time for her to start learning what life is all about. You are giving her 1/4 of the family budget? That seems over the top to me. In general, I think she's spoiled and doing what spoiled kids do. It's time to set her straight. You never mentioned a cookbook or pots and pans. Cans of beans were 3/$1 when I left the U.S. Can she still get that? Teach her bean tricks! Does she have a clue?
Good luck!

GreenEyes26

Tue, Oct 04 2011, 7:15 am

Tamiri wrote:

As has been said before, amother, get the receipts or have her keep a log for one month on whatever she spends, so you can see where the money is going. 1/4 of your home budget is outrageous for 1 single girl - who you pay her rent, books, and utilities.

However, I have to pipe up for Tamiri here. Really? A single 20-something NY-Flatbush girl (or wherever the daughter is) eating beans?? You can't expect that. Clearly this girl grew up in a comfortable home. She's not going to all of a sudden be Ms. Frugality and eat beans and rice for dinner. There is a big difference between being responsible with your money and eating food that embarrasses you in front of your friends. She doesn't have to go out with them every night (what I suspect might be the biggest expense right now), but eating beans? Learning bean tricks? Please. That's kollel-family-stretching-the-food-budget tricks, NOT a realistic expectation for a 20-something college kid from a middle-class Jewish family.

finprof

Tue, Oct 04 2011, 8:44 pm

I know that when I was first living alone I didn't realize how much I spent on little things like soda, coffee of vending machines, it really adds up fast! I remember trying to track all of my receipts but that didn't fix it because I often wouldn't get the receipt on a $5 starbucks trip etc.

I would suggest that you could ask about the receipts but more importantly get the supermarket prepaid card and a possibly a prepaid gas card ( or a prepaid visa to be used only for gas)as well. That way its easier to track spending. If you explain that you trust her but you understand the situation and you want to assist her to track her spending pattern in this way I think it will help and not seem overly "momish"....BTW- I teach finance in college and often suggest this to my students who come to me with budgeting concerns.

ElTam

Tue, Oct 04 2011, 9:41 pm

Quote:

Learning bean tricks? Please. That's kollel-family-stretching-the-food-budget tricks, NOT a realistic expectation for a 20-something college kid from a middle-class Jewish family.

Oh, chas v'shalom she should learn a lesson about living within her budget. That would be horrible! That might actually prepare her for real life when she's on her own cheshbon. Don't do that!

I grew up upper-middle class. The money tap turned off for all of us when we graduated high school. B"H, we all learned how to manage, how to make do, etc. That's one of the most valuable lessons anyone can learn. Better she learn it now than when she's out of college and gets into trouble running up credit card debt because oh my goodness buying used furniture off of craig'slist is kollel-family tricks, not a college-educated person's expectation, so she has to go out and buy new leather sofas. Should OP be paying for her to live beyond her means for the rest of her life? When does it stop?

OP, you are being more than generous. She needs to live within the budget. Ask her if she wants help figuring out how to do so, but do not give her more money. You are already doing enough.

Raizle

Wed, Oct 05 2011, 11:34 pm

ElTam wrote:

Quote:

Learning bean tricks? Please. That's kollel-family-stretching-the-food-budget tricks, NOT a realistic expectation for a 20-something college kid from a middle-class Jewish family.

you want to teach her to live within her bugdget you teach her like someone mentioned not to buy coffee from the cafe, certain nosh to do without, drink water or other healthy drinks other then soda, make soup from scratch rather then use instant. Why jump the gun and say she should radically change her diet and live on beans instead of other products.
I'd suggest eating beans anyway, they are healthy, but you get my drift.

ElTam

Thu, Oct 06 2011, 11:56 am

Quote:

My point is, why is one kind of frugality okay for one person but not another? Maybe OP's DD would rather eat beans in the privacy of her dorm and still have money to go out for coffee with her friends. Give her the tools and the options and let her make the choice.

Warren Buffett lives in the same modest home he's lived in since the 1970s.
Sam Walton (founder of Wal*Mart) drove a beat-up pickup truck that was basically held together by duct tape and baling wire.
Maybe someone should tell Warren Buffett that living in a modest home isn't right for someone of his financial stature.

Merrymom

Mon, Oct 17 2011, 1:31 am

My big question is where is she driving? I think I'd put a gps unit on the car. Do you have any reason not to trust her? Is she secretive, has some hidden relationship, addiction, etc.?

I hate to sound so suspicious but I think if everything was fine she'd be happy to show you her receipts to prove to you that she doesn't have enough money.