presents for teens

amother

Mon, Oct 24 2011, 10:40 pm

I got my daughter a few presents for her birthday. I thought they were nice presents. I also made a family birthday party and invited the fanily over for supper that she picked out. I tried my best with balloons and birthday plates.Have I raised a spoiled brat...like she was so upset it wasent what she expected. Finally in the evening she said she thought she was getting a different present that cost alot more money something she really wanted...she thought she was going to have a better party I picked up a cake but it wasent decorated I forgot to order one so I got what they had. My husband worked all day I worked all day I tried but it wasent good enough. I feel so bad.....I also feel really guilty she is my youngest and never never would I have even bought my older kids half of what I got her and a cake I would have made one myself ...so I created a monster...

Fox

Tue, Oct 25 2011, 12:08 am

Don't beat yourself up -- either for not providing the kind of birthday hoopla your DD expected or for creating a monster!

It's not abnormal for teenage girls to have inflated expectations surrounding their birthdays or other life cycle events. If you had engaged a troupe of dancing bears to perform, she would probably have wanted dancing bears plus prancing horses. It does, though, provide an excellent opportunity for you to teach your DD that she is responsible for her own happiness.

You can tell her, honestly, that you are sorry she was disappointed. State that you did your best, and that this is how your family observes birthdays. Tell her that next year she may help plan her own festivities.

Follow through next year: about a month before her birthday, sit down with her to make plans. Discuss the budget, including what you plan to spend on a gift, etc. Let her come up with a plan that will make her as happy as possible -- short of a national day declared in her honor. If she claims that birthday celebrations are supposed to be a surprise, counter by explaining that "surprises" require the recipient to be pleased with whatever she is offered. If she wants a surprise, then she'll have to be gracious about the outcome!

Some people care enormously about birthdays, etc.; other people couldn't care less. If your DD is one of the former, then she needs to learn how to create her own celebrations and do so in a way that is not extravagant. Otherwise, she will be perpetually disappointed that her parents, siblings, spouse, children, grandchildren . . . don't fete her in the manner to which she wishes to become accustomed.

grin

Thu, Oct 27 2011, 12:02 pm

amother wrote:

I'm not sure what you feel guilty about - you can (almost) never meet a teen's expectations. I rarely buy them gifts and if I actually get it right, I'm amazed.

But, if you feel guilty often, she most probably picks up on this and it can make her insecure on the inside and even more demanding on the outside.

Barbara

Thu, Oct 27 2011, 1:00 pm

amother wrote:

She's not a monster. She's a teen.

When one builds up expectations in their heads, its easy to be disappointed, and that sounds like what happened. She knew you were getting her fabulous gifts, so she thought it would be something else. Etc etc. She does need to learn to put on a good face, but she's still a kid. She's learning. And don't forget that teens like to play on parental guilt.

As to the cake, back in the dark ages when I was dating DH, he used to talk about things I did, or didn't do, to make him feel special. A cake baked by mom, just for birthday kid, makes a kid feel special, even if its not gorgeous or perfect. A cake ordered in advance, just the way you like it, makes you feel special. Running into the store at the last minute, picking up what they have on the run, doesn't make you feel special. I'm not justifying her, just explaining how she may have felt.

I hesitate to add this, and in fact didn't send an earlier post. How old is she, exactly? I don't have a teenaged girl, but I do have a teenaged son, and was once a teenaged girl myself. If I were to use party plates and balloons at a gathering for my son, he would be mortified, considering them to be very babyish. The teen girls I see at shul look about as far from party plates and balloons as they are from diapers and pacis. Is there any chance that she was anticipating more of a grown-up atmosphere, and you gave her little kid? Without knowing the gifts, is there any chance that they were not what she would deem suitable for a teen?