What to do with s/o who REALLY STINKS?

amother

Sun, Oct 23 2011, 5:45 pm

There is a lady who started coming to our shul most shabbos who really smells awful. It doesn't help we're in a small building with limited air circulation so there's no way avoiding her even if you try to sit furtherest away from her. I'm not the only one complaining, in fact most women have the same complaint, you can barely concentrate on daavening because of the smell but noone has the guts to ask her directly. She's fairly cohesive so I don't think she has a mental health issue, I don't know if there's medical condition that emits such strong BO but even then it's definitely not nice.

Now, how can I go around asking her to do something tactfully without offending?

amother

Sun, Oct 23 2011, 8:55 pm

I actually used to have this problem. Not that someone in shul stank and I had to talk to her, I was the one who stank and someone had to talk to me. My very best friend came over one day and said that she had to talk to me about something very sensitive. She told me flat out but with very gentle language that people had noticed that I had a strong body odour. She offerred a few practical suggestions, showering more often when I have my period, wearing clothes only once etc.. It worked. It was of course very hard to hear, but the fact that it was my best best friend who told me, I could hear it. I am so glad she talked to me. This was many years ago and I have never had this problem since B"H.

I suggest that you have a very close friend do it and have her offer practical suggestions. It's important to realize also, that if this woman is very overweight, there are folds of skin that very overweight people have that not everyone has. (example: a very fat belly hangs over the pu*bic area and causes a terrible smell after just a few hours. heavy people sweat more which causes more odour, and if she is short and very overweight, it may be hard for her to wash her feet for example.) If she's poor, she may not be able to afford so many outfits to change over yom tov. If she's VERY poor, she may not be able to afford to laundry more than once a week. Try to do some research and figure out the source of the problem and offer her concrete suggestions.

I hope this helps.

amother

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 1:13 pm

I'm the OP. Thank you very much the above amother for very candid and sensitive comments, I so much appreciate it.

So in the end, I ended up speaking with the lady and her husband last shabbat. I'm the rebetzen, we got so many complaints recently and we can't afford to lose more members on behalf of one person... I have much compassion on her. Noone wants to sit near her or speaks with her during kiddush, how frustrating it must be. But eventually I did bring up the topic, mentioning to her that many people have noticed she emits rather strong odor which makes it difficult for some people to come to the shul.

Unfortunately, she took offense immediately. But at the same time, it doesn't look like she was surprised, because she turned to her husband and said "Oh, darling. Someone's complaining about my BO again..." Her immediate response was "well, I wash before shabbat, so it must be my perfume". I know for sure this lady does not wear any perfume, unless it's something called Eaux du Poison Rotten or Elixir du Fromage Vert.

As it turned out, her husband has absolutely no sense of smell so was rather clueless on that. He himself is well groomed so I don't think it's not like they have problem with plumbing or clothing. I offered if there's anything I can help, and offered I can bring different perfume or deodorizer but not sure if she'd be keen to it, especially how defensive she took.

What do you think I could have done, or I can do? If things don't improve, DH is thinking of literally banning her from coming to the shul or at least telling her plainly she's not welcome.

chanasmom

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 1:32 pm

As painful as it must be for the woman and her husband to hear, it seems that you may be doing her a service by approaching her in a kind and tactful fashion. From what you say, I would assume this is something which is not just affecting her at shul, but probably everywhere she goes-affecting her professional and social life across the board. And, if she hears it from enough people, and sees directly how it negatively affects her life in so many ways, hopefully,she will probably be motivated to make changes on her own.
A close relative of mine has a strong BO problem-and we struggle with how to discuss it with her all of the time-since she does tend to get defensive(as we all do when confronted about our weaknesses, I suppose, and about personal hygeine in particular).
Good luck with this.