How do you confront people politely and pleasantly?

amother

Fri, Dec 09 2011, 6:46 am

I tend to avoid telling people when they are doing something that bothers me, because I have a harsh way of saying things. I'm trying to work on myself in this area. I'm looking for advice on how to say things so they don't sound so harsh. Any ideas?

justcallmeima

Fri, Dec 09 2011, 6:58 am

There are a lot of good articles about this online. Google "Having difficult conversations" and you will find some excellent short articles with concrete steps you can take. Bear in mind that most communication is non-verbal. You have to be as concerned with your body language, your tone of voice, your proximity, and your facial expressions as you do about the actual words that you choose. Yashar kochech for trying to work on this midah. Being aware is the first step to changing your behaviour. I am impressed!!

zaq

Fri, Dec 09 2011, 7:35 am

You can start by using a word other than "confront," which has adversarial connotations. The minute you use that word, your mindset is already "battle stations" rather than "negotiation."

shlomitsmum

Fri, Dec 09 2011, 7:36 am

The key is learning to be assertive without being aggressive. People often think they are being assertive when in fact they are being rude abrasive and aggressive.....

Using I language, doing your best to clarify miscommunication, focusing on facts and not perceptions , and having respect for others feelings helps a great deal.

The goal is to handle conflict in the most respectful and dignified way. The central focus should be to be understood not to slay your opponent emotionally. This are feelings not cerebral chess ,when people get hurt there are no winners Very Happy

I actually took an interpersonal communications class because I was used to "take" the most outrageous nastiness laying down and letting people walk all over me. I still struggle with this , a lot is childhood baggage. Bullies or aggressive people are in 99% of cases suffering themselves and act nasty to "even out the scales" and feel in control of something or someone..

Just my 2 cents...

freidasima

Sat, Dec 10 2011, 10:50 am

I've found that a good way to begin is to ask people why they are doing what they are doing. You can see from their response if there is anything one can say to them which might make them change their mind. If not = and in most cases there is not - just keep your distance.