How do I explain away to DD why DH had cologne?

leah66

Mon, Jan 30 2012, 4:59 pm

Cologne/body spray can be used as air freshener.
I sometimes use it for that, and if you walk into an Abercrombie store, you'll smell that they do.

I also once bought a (cheapish) perfume just because I liked the bottle.

bandcm

Mon, Jan 30 2012, 6:27 pm

I think there is something wrong with the boundaries between you and your daughter.
If she is 15 and knows the facts of life and has been in your bedroom (why was she in your bedroom?) and found something unusual there, she should have the sechel to shut up about it. She should realize that it is not something to bring up. Fifteen year olds are canny enough for that.
If she doesn't have the sechel, you need to be the mother, not the cowering accused! Daughter, why were you in my bedroom? I don't go into your bedroom without permission (you shouldn't), please extend me the same courtesy. It is not polite to question something you find in someone's personal space! And last of all, why does Tatty have it? I don't know, but it is not our business.

amother

Mon, Jan 30 2012, 8:11 pm

interestedbrooklyn wrote:

She is trying to see how you will treat her but there is nothing wrong with saying I already explained it to you, there is not much to get and it is rude to keep asking me about it. Throw in an example of something she has bought that doesn't wear - generally teenagers will have half of a closet full of examples. You are teaching her that you respect her but that she needs to respect you as well - sometimes that means accepting an answer and not giving someone the third degree about it.

OP here,
Yes I think you are right and I'm going to respond that way. She has to learn to let go of things in general anyway.

Ruchel wrote:

If it's not acceptable by you to wear it (I have Chabad friends whose husbands wear perfume so I don't know) indeed why is it ok in private? unless it is a tznius issue, which I have never heard for men?

because he isn't doing it for the same reasons. it's the spirit of why he is wearing it. When in private he is doing it for me, not for vanity. There is a huge difference.

MamaBear wrote:

Well I guess now he is the type to sometimes wear cologne, right? So tell her he decided he likes the smell and wants to wear it on occasion. End of story. And he should randomly put it on in front of her to show that there's nothing secretive about it and it's not a bit deal.

And if it continues to be a big deal to you, just get rid of the cologne.

if you were responding the poster before you who said her husband wears on shabbos sometimes, that wasn't me, it was a different amother.

friedasima, I like your suggestions too

Strawberry2 wrote:

I said he wears it occassionaly to business meetings.

and that one too except now it's too late since I didn't say that to begin with and I should have.
I'm assuming from your post that you had the same situation?

bandcm wrote:

I've tried so hard to make our bedroom our personal private space but with the setup in our home it doesn't work.
If she needs something from the bathroom and someone is in the other one then she comes to mine instead. They all do. It's a huge pain in the neck and I'm always chasing them out but it's hard to do so when someone has been waiting for the bathroom for ages and it's being used by others taking their showers and whatever for too long.
I do intend on cracking down and only letting them in only when they really have to but on condition they don't check out my stuff.

celestial wrote:

Just tell her it is tatty's private property, she shouldn't be snooping, and you don't have to explain to her why he has it.

she wasn't snooping, she just came across it in my bathroom. Read what I wrote above your quote.

chocolate chips

Mon, Jan 30 2012, 8:59 pm

Maybe just tell her that dh wants to try it to see if he likes wearing it every day?
big deal.

also tell her once you give her an answer, its an answer and she shouldn't pester.

Ruchel

Tue, Jan 31 2012, 6:59 am

Perfume can be about smelling good (like deo), or liking the smell and wanting to enjoy it on oneself, or smelling goof for one's spouse also outside the house. Vanity can be true, or totally not.

amother

Tue, Jan 31 2012, 6:34 pm

Ruchel wrote:

Perfume can be about smelling good (like deo), or liking the smell and wanting to enjoy it on oneself, or smelling goof for one's spouse also outside the house. Vanity can be true, or totally not.

I asked in my first post that we not debate the issue.
You don't have to accept or understand it as I'm not imposing it on your husband.

tsiggelle

Tue, Jan 31 2012, 6:56 pm

amother wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

Perfume can be about smelling good (like deo), or liking the smell and wanting to enjoy it on oneself, or smelling goof for one's spouse also outside the house. Vanity can be true, or totally not.

I asked in my first post that we not debate the issue.
You don't have to accept or understand it as I'm not imposing it on your husband.

I thought she was giving you reasons you could use for your daughter

amother

Tue, Jan 31 2012, 7:00 pm

tsiggelle wrote:

amother wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

Perfume can be about smelling good (like deo), or liking the smell and wanting to enjoy it on oneself, or smelling goof for one's spouse also outside the house. Vanity can be true, or totally not.

I asked in my first post that we not debate the issue.
You don't have to accept or understand it as I'm not imposing it on your husband.

I thought she was giving you reasons you could use for your daughter

If that is the case then I apologize but it sounded like she was challenging me on the vanity point in my answer to her question as to why it is unacceptable in our circles.

marina

Tue, Jan 31 2012, 10:03 pm

It's not acceptable in chabad b/c it is considered something that women do, kind of like beged isha, etc. There's apparently a whole section in the shulchan aruch about all the stuff guys aren't supposed to do b/c girls do it- like look in the mirror, etc.

amother

Tue, Jan 31 2012, 11:14 pm

marina wrote:

OP here.
I don't think that means not to look in the mirror at all. I mean my husband stands in front of the mirror when he brushes his teeth, tidies his beard etc or to check that his clothes are neat and decent. You know, just basic stuff but he doesn't preen with a brush trying to get his hair just so or check out the way he is dressed beyond basic decent.